Once upon a time there was a boy who loved Christmas. No, that's a lie, Wade always hated it. Well, at least ever since his mom died; without her, it wasn't the same, even before his dad walked out on him and Wade was completely alone. But either way, it's not like Wade even remembered those nice Christmases anyway so let's just go with that: Wade always hated Christmas.

All this jolly merrymaking made him sick. The food looked (and tasted) like plastic, and even though ladies in skimpy Santa outfits were a gift from the gods of commercial industry, the rest was just a blindingly disgusting, red-and-green opportunity for pedophiles to put small boys on their lap. Also, midgets in tights – what the actual fuck.

So it wasn't about the crushing feeling of loneliness that overwhelmed him even more than every single day when he saw couples and families being all festive and happy, like, at all. Wade was used to being alone and he preferred it that way. The drunk Santa that Wade beat up in an alley for looking at him funny would swear on his life that it was true.

Anyway, Wade wasn't particularly depressed this Christmas, not any more than the last year, or the year before, or- You get the point. Sure, Blind Al hang up on him, and so did Weasel, but Bob was nice about turning him down (he was driving to his parents' house, but at least they must have had a TV in their car because Wade could swear he heard Macaulay Culkinscreaming).

With nothing better to do, he went out to get a hot dog, but by the time he found a guy without a Santa hat on, he totally lost his appetite. No harm done, for the record, to anyone – don't say Deadpool doesn't have in him to get on with the holiday spirit. The guy he accidentally tripped looked like a douchebag anyway so he didn't count.

When Wade was ready to give up and go home to watchStar Wars Christmas Special to fuel his hatred for this holiday while basking in the glory of Bea Arthur, he saw something that could actually count as Christmas miracle. There he was, in a dorky beanie and a matching scarf, eating a hot dog on a rooftop – Wade's favorite masked vigilante!

"Yo, Spidey!" he yelled and waved until Spider-Man's bug eyes finally found him. He grinned at the facepalm and rushed over. When he got on the rooftop, Spider-Man was waiting with his arms crossed on his chest and didn't that warm Wade's heart. "What are you doing here all alone and cliché?"

"Criminals don't have holidays," Spidey deadpanned. "I mean, they do, probably, but they… work on holidays? I mean- You get what I mean. What are you doing here?"

Wade laughed at the pout that formed under the mask and shrugged. "Just- Killing time, I guess."

"You? Killing? No way."

Wade was about to mouth off because, rude, but then he noticed the barely visible smirk and huffed in mock offence. "I'm the funny one here, so beat it, web-head."

"You wouldn't know funny if it bit your head off and pooped in your neck." Wade opened his mouth to return the insult in some gloriously witty way, but Spidey didn't let him. "Look, I don't know you or anything, but don't you have anyone to spend holidays with?"

"Don't you?" Wade didn't mean to sound so defensive but it just kind of came out like that. He was a poor lonely loser, true, but there was no need to rub it in his face, was there? Not only did Spider-Man try to take Wade's rightful title of The Funny Guy but also his No Tact Whatsoever one? The nerve!

"Touché. So what, you're gonna go home and watch tv, or what?" Spidey's tone was suspiciously sheepish and Wade couldn't help but tease; he might not get another chance.

"Why, are you asking me to spend-"

"No!" Spidey cut him off a bit too loudly with a panic-laced voice. "I'm not that desperate. But I could use some help patrolling. You once said you wanted to be a hero; consider it my Christmas gift for you."

Wade's chuckle turned into full belly laughter. "You're so adorable I'm not even going to tell you to stuff your self-righteousness in a reindeer's ass."

Spider-Man shrugged nonchalantly but Wade didn't miss his side-eye glance while he waited for Wade's answer. It filled Wade with a warm fuzzy feeling that didn't even make him too sick. It was nice to be needed. Well, kind of. Welcome, at least? And it was nice to… not be alone for once, when everyone around him herded for warmth like overfed cattle.

Fine, so Christmas did make Wade feel more lonely than usual, big deal. The point was, he didn't have to spend it by himself this year. Better yet, he got to spend it with his two favorite entities in all the universes – Spider-Man's left and right buttcheek! Who wouldn'timmediately get into the holiday spirit? "Well then, consider this my gift to you – I won't kill anyone tonight."

"Well, isn't that a real Christmas miracle," said Spider-Man with a snort, to which Wade grinned and clasped his hands.

"Let me just get my skimpy Santa dress and we can get down to business."

Spidey gaped and Wade burst out laughing.

"Please, I'm kidding," he said and heard a sigh of relief. Wade knocked their shoulders together playfully and wiggled his eyebrows. "It's way too cold to fight crime in that. But we can dress up after."

Spider-Man spluttered and Wade decided it was going to be a really nice evening. Ho, ho, ho!