Capers on the Express
by: Confuzzled, Yellow, and Geegee
Ron: (walks onto the Hogwarts Express) Hey guys, my mum packed snacks!
Hermione: Ooh, I like snacks!
Ron: I know..
(Ron and Hermione share a secret look)
Harry: What?
Hermione: Oh..nothing.
Harry: No, really! Tell me!
Ron: Never mind, Harry. Just never mind.
Harry: Okay
Ron: Well anywho, let's eat!
Hermione: Wheee! (waves hands) FOOD!
Ginny: God! You cow!
Ron: (interjects) Anywho..
Hermione: I'm not a cow!
Ginny: You so are!
Hermione: Well at least I'm not a -
Ron: ANYwho -
Hermione: - skank-arsed whore!
Ginny: Oh yah?
Ron: ANY-FREAKING-WHO!
(everyone stares)
Ron: (cute girly voice) Let's eat! (pulls lunch out of bag, everyone gasps)
Harry: Well, that's interesting..
Hermione: (strokes ching) A brown paper bag..suspicious.
Ginny: (lights up a fag) Dun, dun dun..(inhales)
Ron: I wonder what's in it (pokes bag)
Harry: (strokes bag) I wonder..
Hermione: Maybe it's a cantaloupe!
(everyone stares)
Hermione: What? I like cantaloupe..
Ron: (shakes head) Whatever..
Harry: Hey, do you know what a cantaloupe reminds me of?
(everyone looks suspiciously at Harry)
Harry: An antelope!
All: Ahahahaha!!
Harry: (sing song) And I bet you can't guess what an antelope reminds me of..
Ron: Bridges!
Ginny: Very small rocks!
Ron: Churches!
Hermione: A DUCK!
All: (silently ponder whilst stroking imaginary beards)
Harry: No, you platitudinous FOOLS!
All: (stare)
Harry: (deep calming breath) A gazelle.
All: (blink)
Harry: And that reminds me of Geegee!
Geegee: (just kind of appears) Hey! How'd I get here?
Narrator: And suddenly, in a cloud of eraser dust, Geegee was gone!
Ron: Much better!
Ginny: But what about..?
Harry: Don't ask..no one knows..we've given up.
Narrator: On with the story then..
Harry: Hold the phone, where'd the narrator come from?
(Ron and Hermione blink and poke lunch bag)
Harry: Where'd the narrator come from? Guys?
(Ron and Hermione continue to poke lunch bag)
Harry: Where'd the bloody narrator come from?!
Ginny: Who knows, who cares, peace man. (takes another drag)
Harry: Yes, but..
Ron: Oh pipe down, ya nancy.
Hermione: Ron, open the lunch bag!
(Ron opens and pulls out..dun dun dun..oysters!)
(Draco enters)
Draco: Give me your food, Weasley!
(Ron reluctantly hands bag to Draco, who is coincidently wearing tight leather pants)
(Draco eats oysters, sees Harry, and the cheesy music starts)
(Draco and Harry exit)
Hermione: Now we have no lunch bag!
Ron: Oh yes we do! (pulls out lunch bag)
Hermione: But how? It's a miracle! (heavenly music plays)
Ron: You know my mum.
(Draco pops out of closet)
Draco: I do (licks lips)
(Harry's hand pulls Draco back)
Ginny: Whoa, I'm not getting any snog actions in this story! What a nice break.
Confuzzled: You just wait (steeples fingers)
Hermione: So what's in this lunch bag?
Ron: Hm, I dunno..(begins to ponder, stroking chin and glancing off into the distance)
(pause)
(pause)
(pause)
Hermione: What in the name of schist are you doing?!
(no response)
Hermione: (turns to Ginny) What the hell is wrong with him?
Ginny: (looks up and glances into Ron's eyes) He's stonded.
Hermione: Oh for God's sake, he is not! Not EVERYTHING revolves around drugs, Ginny!
Ginny: (shrugs) All right, but I warned you..(disappears, yet again, into a cloud of smoke)
Hermione: You do know about lung cancer, right?
(only response is loud, hacking coughs and a suspicious thud)
Hermione: I've got some lovely D.A.R.E. packets here, if you're interested!
(no response)
Hermione: Fine then..(walks over to closet and opens the door) Out, you two!
(girlish screams emit from closet)
Hermione: Whoa..that was WAY more of Harry Potter than I'd EVER hoped to see!
Harry: (scrambling to pick up clothes) Yes, well, no one TOLD you to open the door!
Hermione: No, I did that for my own amusement (leers suggestively at Draco)
Draco: (whimpers and runs out of compartment - still only half dressed)
(wolf whistles and inappropriate comments echo through the train - and only eighty percent are female in origin)
Hermione: (sighs) Why does that always happen to me?
U.R.G. (Unidentified Ravenclaw Girl): (runs in, snatches Draco's leather pants away, runs out giggling insanely)
Draco: (noticing everyone's horrified/amused looks) Have no fear! (brief super hero pose) (reaches into his "messenger bag" a.k.a. purse..and pulls out - ) SPARE LEATHER PANTS!
Harry, Hermione, and Ginny: (sighs of relief)
Ron: (looking confused)
Draco: What?
Ron: I never knew you wore boxer-briefs!
Harry: Heehee..I did!
Ginny: He also has an orange pair..
Hermione: My favourite are the bright pink ones with the little white bunnies
Draco: No! No! The reindeer pair are by far the hottest!
Ron: And why haven't I ever seem any of your undergarments?
Ddraco: Well..um..
Harry: It's just that..
Hermione: We..er..
British Peasant Army: Get on with it!
Ginny: (coughs and then lights up yet another fag) You freaking moron! Can't you see nobody likes you?! We're just here for the snacks! Now open the damn lunch bag!
Ron: Oh..Well now that we've got that all cleared up..let's eat! (opens bag and out falls several smaller bags, each with a name on it)
Ginny: Ooo! (loud hacking coughs) This one's for me! (grabs bag and dumps out contents) Yess! Mum remembered to pack me some pot! Bong, anyone?
Draco: Here, you can borrow mine (winks and hands over bong) but you owe me (raises eyebrows suggestively)
Ginny: (from somewhere inside a rather thick cloud of smoke) Yah, sure, uh huh, whatever you say (cough and yet another suspicious thud) ow! Hahaha!
Hermione: But..but what about the D.A.R.E. packets I gave you all last week!? Did any of you even open them?!
Harry: Well..um..
Ginny: We were all too busy..um..
Draco: Shagging!
Hermione: Oh, okay then.
Ron: Wait, what? I wasn't shagging!
Draco: Of course you weren't
Ron: What's that supposed to mean?
Draco: (looks him up and down)
Ron: Oh yeah? I'll be by the end of this train ride I'll have shagged more people than you!
Draco: (grins) What does the winner get?
Harry: Pride? Respect?
Ron: A gopher and three lollies!
Draco: You're on! (walks out of compartment into hall) Excuse me! (a mob throws themselves at him)
Ron: (walks into hall, all doors shut) (walks back into the compartment) Right, well..Hermione?
Hermione: Yeah, right..
Ginny: I need more weed..
Ron: I need more sex.
Harry: I need more friends..
Neville: Hey everyone!
Ginny: Neville! Have you any drugs?
Ron: Want to shag?
Harry: Want to be my friend?
Hermione: Take a D.A.R.E. pamphlet!
Neville: Erm..I have to go! (flees)
All: No! Neville!
Hermione: I must give these out!
Ginny: Well I need weed! I could do with a lay too..
Ron: Well I need a shag!
Harry: I really, really, need new friends.
Hermione: Shall we visit another compartment then? We must complete our quests! (stands in a heroic pose)
Harry: Hermione, dear, that's my job.
Hermione: Right, sorry, I forgot.
Harry: I'll let it go, just don't let it happen again. (stands heroically) Let's go!
by: Confuzzled, Yellow, and Geegee
Ron: (walks onto the Hogwarts Express) Hey guys, my mum packed snacks!
Hermione: Ooh, I like snacks!
Ron: I know..
(Ron and Hermione share a secret look)
Harry: What?
Hermione: Oh..nothing.
Harry: No, really! Tell me!
Ron: Never mind, Harry. Just never mind.
Harry: Okay
Ron: Well anywho, let's eat!
Hermione: Wheee! (waves hands) FOOD!
Ginny: God! You cow!
Ron: (interjects) Anywho..
Hermione: I'm not a cow!
Ginny: You so are!
Hermione: Well at least I'm not a -
Ron: ANYwho -
Hermione: - skank-arsed whore!
Ginny: Oh yah?
Ron: ANY-FREAKING-WHO!
(everyone stares)
Ron: (cute girly voice) Let's eat! (pulls lunch out of bag, everyone gasps)
Harry: Well, that's interesting..
Hermione: (strokes ching) A brown paper bag..suspicious.
Ginny: (lights up a fag) Dun, dun dun..(inhales)
Ron: I wonder what's in it (pokes bag)
Harry: (strokes bag) I wonder..
Hermione: Maybe it's a cantaloupe!
(everyone stares)
Hermione: What? I like cantaloupe..
Ron: (shakes head) Whatever..
Harry: Hey, do you know what a cantaloupe reminds me of?
(everyone looks suspiciously at Harry)
Harry: An antelope!
All: Ahahahaha!!
Harry: (sing song) And I bet you can't guess what an antelope reminds me of..
Ron: Bridges!
Ginny: Very small rocks!
Ron: Churches!
Hermione: A DUCK!
All: (silently ponder whilst stroking imaginary beards)
Harry: No, you platitudinous FOOLS!
All: (stare)
Harry: (deep calming breath) A gazelle.
All: (blink)
Harry: And that reminds me of Geegee!
Geegee: (just kind of appears) Hey! How'd I get here?
Narrator: And suddenly, in a cloud of eraser dust, Geegee was gone!
Ron: Much better!
Ginny: But what about..?
Harry: Don't ask..no one knows..we've given up.
Narrator: On with the story then..
Harry: Hold the phone, where'd the narrator come from?
(Ron and Hermione blink and poke lunch bag)
Harry: Where'd the narrator come from? Guys?
(Ron and Hermione continue to poke lunch bag)
Harry: Where'd the bloody narrator come from?!
Ginny: Who knows, who cares, peace man. (takes another drag)
Harry: Yes, but..
Ron: Oh pipe down, ya nancy.
Hermione: Ron, open the lunch bag!
(Ron opens and pulls out..dun dun dun..oysters!)
(Draco enters)
Draco: Give me your food, Weasley!
(Ron reluctantly hands bag to Draco, who is coincidently wearing tight leather pants)
(Draco eats oysters, sees Harry, and the cheesy music starts)
(Draco and Harry exit)
Hermione: Now we have no lunch bag!
Ron: Oh yes we do! (pulls out lunch bag)
Hermione: But how? It's a miracle! (heavenly music plays)
Ron: You know my mum.
(Draco pops out of closet)
Draco: I do (licks lips)
(Harry's hand pulls Draco back)
Ginny: Whoa, I'm not getting any snog actions in this story! What a nice break.
Confuzzled: You just wait (steeples fingers)
Hermione: So what's in this lunch bag?
Ron: Hm, I dunno..(begins to ponder, stroking chin and glancing off into the distance)
(pause)
(pause)
(pause)
Hermione: What in the name of schist are you doing?!
(no response)
Hermione: (turns to Ginny) What the hell is wrong with him?
Ginny: (looks up and glances into Ron's eyes) He's stonded.
Hermione: Oh for God's sake, he is not! Not EVERYTHING revolves around drugs, Ginny!
Ginny: (shrugs) All right, but I warned you..(disappears, yet again, into a cloud of smoke)
Hermione: You do know about lung cancer, right?
(only response is loud, hacking coughs and a suspicious thud)
Hermione: I've got some lovely D.A.R.E. packets here, if you're interested!
(no response)
Hermione: Fine then..(walks over to closet and opens the door) Out, you two!
(girlish screams emit from closet)
Hermione: Whoa..that was WAY more of Harry Potter than I'd EVER hoped to see!
Harry: (scrambling to pick up clothes) Yes, well, no one TOLD you to open the door!
Hermione: No, I did that for my own amusement (leers suggestively at Draco)
Draco: (whimpers and runs out of compartment - still only half dressed)
(wolf whistles and inappropriate comments echo through the train - and only eighty percent are female in origin)
Hermione: (sighs) Why does that always happen to me?
U.R.G. (Unidentified Ravenclaw Girl): (runs in, snatches Draco's leather pants away, runs out giggling insanely)
Draco: (noticing everyone's horrified/amused looks) Have no fear! (brief super hero pose) (reaches into his "messenger bag" a.k.a. purse..and pulls out - ) SPARE LEATHER PANTS!
Harry, Hermione, and Ginny: (sighs of relief)
Ron: (looking confused)
Draco: What?
Ron: I never knew you wore boxer-briefs!
Harry: Heehee..I did!
Ginny: He also has an orange pair..
Hermione: My favourite are the bright pink ones with the little white bunnies
Draco: No! No! The reindeer pair are by far the hottest!
Ron: And why haven't I ever seem any of your undergarments?
Ddraco: Well..um..
Harry: It's just that..
Hermione: We..er..
British Peasant Army: Get on with it!
Ginny: (coughs and then lights up yet another fag) You freaking moron! Can't you see nobody likes you?! We're just here for the snacks! Now open the damn lunch bag!
Ron: Oh..Well now that we've got that all cleared up..let's eat! (opens bag and out falls several smaller bags, each with a name on it)
Ginny: Ooo! (loud hacking coughs) This one's for me! (grabs bag and dumps out contents) Yess! Mum remembered to pack me some pot! Bong, anyone?
Draco: Here, you can borrow mine (winks and hands over bong) but you owe me (raises eyebrows suggestively)
Ginny: (from somewhere inside a rather thick cloud of smoke) Yah, sure, uh huh, whatever you say (cough and yet another suspicious thud) ow! Hahaha!
Hermione: But..but what about the D.A.R.E. packets I gave you all last week!? Did any of you even open them?!
Harry: Well..um..
Ginny: We were all too busy..um..
Draco: Shagging!
Hermione: Oh, okay then.
Ron: Wait, what? I wasn't shagging!
Draco: Of course you weren't
Ron: What's that supposed to mean?
Draco: (looks him up and down)
Ron: Oh yeah? I'll be by the end of this train ride I'll have shagged more people than you!
Draco: (grins) What does the winner get?
Harry: Pride? Respect?
Ron: A gopher and three lollies!
Draco: You're on! (walks out of compartment into hall) Excuse me! (a mob throws themselves at him)
Ron: (walks into hall, all doors shut) (walks back into the compartment) Right, well..Hermione?
Hermione: Yeah, right..
Ginny: I need more weed..
Ron: I need more sex.
Harry: I need more friends..
Neville: Hey everyone!
Ginny: Neville! Have you any drugs?
Ron: Want to shag?
Harry: Want to be my friend?
Hermione: Take a D.A.R.E. pamphlet!
Neville: Erm..I have to go! (flees)
All: No! Neville!
Hermione: I must give these out!
Ginny: Well I need weed! I could do with a lay too..
Ron: Well I need a shag!
Harry: I really, really, need new friends.
Hermione: Shall we visit another compartment then? We must complete our quests! (stands in a heroic pose)
Harry: Hermione, dear, that's my job.
Hermione: Right, sorry, I forgot.
Harry: I'll let it go, just don't let it happen again. (stands heroically) Let's go!