Out damn A/n: I was watching Honor Code when I got insperation for something like this. Originally it had nothing to do with Macbeth but hey, I blaim the fact I was in Macbeth not too many years ago for that. There are some really good movie versions (to explain why Tony would know it) and it's such a well known play I figure Ziva's probably at least seen it once (and with her memory remembered much of it).
Out I A/n: The lines referenced are said by Lady Macbeth when she's dreaming of the blood she had on her hands after Duncan was murdered. "out damn spot" refers to the blood and Ziva's mention of the "perfumes in Arabia" is a reference to "All the perfumes in Arabia wouldn't sweeten this little hand".
Dedicated to a Certain male friend of mine who's "not" gone into the girl's bathroom to ask me what was wrong before. It was touching, if a little creepy.
Out Damn Spot
The first thing Ziva did once Tanner had been rescued, all the accomplices taken into custody, and she was sure no one would notice her absence for a few minutes was head to the bathroom. NCIS was more or less closed for the night which meant it was likely to be empty and no one would disturb her, a small godsend.
It had been a long time since training had drummed in a lot of things that made many consider her just another killer. The fact she had so casually spoken of her ability to torture and then done so with ease probably was another mark against her in her new teams books, though it was the only way they'd saved Tanners life.
She had learned there were times you had to ice over your heart, stop the feeling and do what you must. It had been a hard learned lesson and many of those she had trained with had been unable to learn it.
The lucky ones had had their training terminated. The less fortunate ones were missing, insane, or dead.
Though in the quiet moments like tonight, when the "bad guys" were all in custody and the innocents were safe in bed and she let the ice melt back so she could go through life like a human is supposed to her actions while her heart was frozen sometimes snuck up on her.
She didn't remember what caused it the first time, though she suspected it might have been the first time she had killed. That ice had melted and instead of feeling human she just felt tainted. Like the blood that had splattered across her face lingered there still.
It was Tali that had told her "if you are dirty then wash yourself of the taint" as if it was the simplest thing you would think of.
It had started out as a ritualistic thing, a shower after a kill, taking Tali's words to heart and letting the water wash her soul clean and purify the water so when she froze her heart again there would be no taint in the ice.
But as she was drawn deeper and deeper into the world of Mussad her kills began to come to frequently for her to be able to be less than at her top performance until she took a shower after each one. She began to improvise and eventually she'd began washing her hands and face, a quicker if a bit more symbolic one but it kept her clean.
She wasn't sure how old she was when it stopped working, though the face of a little girl she'd shot on accident in a firefight on one mission was just one of the steins nothing washed away. She learned to bear those one, and not dwell on them. It was a necessity.
The first time she had tortured someone for information there was no time to stop to think. She tortured the mole she had caught, got the information, and put a bullet through his head. She had warned her people of the trap and had continued with the mission.
It wasn't until her controller had told her to clean up that she'd realized she had the moles blood all over her hands, clothes, and smeared across her cheek.
She didn't remember ever taking a longer shower. Part of it was to get the blood, dust, and dirt off of her but mostly it was trying to scrub away that taint and the memories of his screams.
She knew she had saved five of her fellow agents and who knew how many civilians through her actions but it wouldn't help her sleep easier.
Today had been different. There was no blood, no burns, no fluids of other sorts. There had been a woman scared half out of her mind by physiological torture but Ziva had done much worse before.
Still, here she was in the bathroom meticulously scrubbing her hands raw like she had been for the past five minutes. America was making her soft already and she'd only been here a month.
Maybe another minute would make her feel better.
"Out damn spot out I say" Tony said from the door way causing Ziva to turn around sharply, soapy hands spraying a streak of suds across the mirror. "Lady Macbeth, in the good old Scottish play. She killed some king and was hallucinating that his blood was still on her hands."
"Dream." Ziva said turning back and rinsing off her hands. "She was dreaming not hallucinating."
"I see someone knows her Shakespeare." He commented.
"What are you doing in the women's bathroom Tony?"
"I'm not in the women's bathroom" He said offhandedly gesturing to his feet which were just outside the line where the tile of the bathroom turned into the hallway. "Why are you acting like a murderess Scottish queen?"
"I have not gotten a chance to thoroughly clean my hands and I do not know what diseases your girlfriend had." She said, letting her small teasingly wicked smile play across her face.
"You see that doesn't work on me. Didn't with the lesbian lover thing that first night though" He closed his eyes grinning. "I did love the picture it painted."
"You are a…I think the word is "convert" " She said drying her hands.
"I think your looking for pervert, and no." His joking smile faded. "Seriously, Ziva. You okay? I took you for the steely eyed killer but I've never seen anyone leave a room faster than you did earlier."
She could of brushed it off, insulted him, or threatened him. The last was a very tempting choice but…
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't completely terrifying to her new team. "I am okay." She said simply as she finished drying her hands. "I do not need all the perfumes in Arabia, just a chance to wash away the taint when I feel dirty." She gave a confident nod, squaring her shoulders. "If you will stop "not" being in the women's bathroom I would like to go see if Tanner is here yet."
Tony watched her for half a moment the nodded stepping out of the doorway. "After you my lady."