Kayneth Archibald remembered begging for his death.

He also remembered the red spark that flickered and dimmed from the back of his hand when he ordered the death of his own servant, Diarmuid O'Dyna. When the command seal faded, and Kiritsugu handed him Sola-Ui's frail body, he told himself that Lancer didn't matter—he was just a ghost, but Sola-Ui—she was real. She was real and she was alive.

He distanced himself from the knight's rage, avoiding to look at the flaming red spear that impaled him, right through the heart: a sure, fatal blow. How he roared, and screamed—of condemnation, his words fell heavy onto the ground, shattering into pieces. It didn't matter, Kayneth told himself. None of it mattered.

That was when the bullet came. Not one, but two. Was there a third one? Kayneth lost count, or could not bear to remember the number. He lost grip of Sola-Ui—she fell onto the ground with a thud. Dead. He crawled. The bullet inside his flesh ate him alive. He crawled towards Kiritsugu and begged for mercy. None of it mattered now. Nothing mattered. Nothing.

Then Saber's sword came. And then there was darkness. Sweet, sweet darkness.

And he drifted.

Kayneth was not one who pondered on the afterlife. He was a mage, the proud head of the Archibald family, the ninth of its name. When he was alive, he sought status, and glory—and then he sought the Grail, and oh, to have the King of Conquest stolen from him, to have the war stolen from him—suddenly, he felt a pang of anger. And then, there was Sola-Ui. That cruel woman who tortured him and broke his finger one by one without blinking.

But perhaps, the cruelest thing was that he could not stop loving her.

And he drifted.

He could no longer feel pain, no longer feel his body. It didn't matter—it's over now.

It didn't matter.

When he opened his eyes again, sinking into his weight, sinking into his body, he realized that he stood before the circle of summoning, and it shone red, and then he felt its power, and from memory, he expected to see Diarmuid once more, kneeling before him, pledging his loyalty and service.

But what emerged and greeted him from the summoning circle was not what he expected at all.

A soft hello. After an explosion of blinding light.

Then, gingerly, a panda with a red checkered scarf stepped forward, a whimsical circus waltz trailing behind its form. It crawled towards him, ever so slowly—the whole scene surreal and uncanny. One of its paws, Kayneth noticed, held onto a bowl of noodles. The noodles were thick, topped with diced vegetables, neatly shaped tofu and smelled of steamy soy sauce. It wasn't the kind of food that appealed to him. Kayneth lived the extravagant life of a noble, and preferred high dining, and when he was alive, he had never—

He died.

The words began ringing in his head. He rubbed his eyes, his fingers digging into his sockets, as if the pressure would help him make sense of it all. He died. Kiritsugu had killed him. He killed Sola-Ui.

An insurmountable anger rose, the heat clouding his vision.

Then the panda spoke with a dazzling voice.

"Hello there, Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald."

Kayneth stared at the panda as it continued.

"You, Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald, are charged with the heartless murder of the beloved, charming, wonderful, unprecedentedly handsome Diarmuid O'Dyna, and will remain in this karmic entrapment until you have transcended your foolish patterns and mended your ways. This Author has spoken."

Diarmuid O'Dyna—curse him. Unprecedentedly handsome? He stole Sola-Ui. He stole her from me.

"You will relive the night of the summoning, the night that started it all. You shall endure mesmerizing nonsense, picturesque ridicule, and delightful humiliation. You will learn from your mistakes and walk the Right Path, the True Path—and that is the path of humility."

The panda nodded with solemnity and finality. "This Author has spoken."

And then, there was a profoundly awkward, energetically charged silence that fattened like a ballooning elephant and clogged the room.

The words that Kayneth managed to squeeze through his gritted teeth were:

"What the actual fuck?"

The panda smiled. Then it started laughing uncontrollably—the soup in its noodle bowl swished about dangerously. It laughed. It laughed and laughed and laughed—until the room shook and melted away with its maniacal laughter.

And Kayneth found himself floating upwards, and he drifted once more.

Hi guys! So I decided to have a go at absurdist humour by putting Kayneth Archibald through a shitload of ridiculous nonsense-*evil laugh*. This will be a running "gag" or "crack" fiction mostly for the lol's + a deeper exploration of Kayneth's character. I will also be incorporating some "meta" elements in the storytelling, so expect to see more of my "cameos". Did you figure out who that panda was? Ahahaha

Anyways. This is mostly a story I'm going to be writing for fun, but I would love hear what you think! 3 Also, suggestions or requests for what he will summon next are welcomed. ;)

-PandaNoodles