A/N: I 3 Artemis! Decided to write a one-shot for AF as I was bored.
Arty gets outsmarted by April Fool's jokes! How will he react? Rated K+ cause Arty says a bad word, but in gnommish.
0o0o0o0
"Hey, Foaly," Captain Holly Short tapped the centaur on the shoulder, 'What say you on playing a trick on our favorite Mud Boy?"
The LEP technical consultant turned to face his best friend and raised a bushy eyebrow. "For April Fools? What are you planning?"
After several minutes of whispering, Foaly's grin matched the elf's. "You do know that when he figured this out, he would probably take revenge on us…?"
Holly shrugged. "I'm willing to take my chances. It'll probably be too late by then anyway. Now, are you in or not?"
Foaly chuckled. "Sure. I'm not letting this chance of outwitting the great Artemis Fowl pass by me."
"Good." The female LEPrecon Captain activated her fairy telecommunicater. "Let's see if our Mud Man Butler would help us."
0o0o0o0
Artemis Fowl the Second woke, feeling a weight on his stomach.
His first thought was, 'An intruder! Why did he leave this object on me? How did he get past Fowl Manor's alarm system? Why didn't Butler-'
"Arty!"
The said teenage genius let out a breath of relief, opening his eyes. Beckett sat on his duvet, laughing and clapping his small chubby hands together.
"Arty is alive!" the toddler announced in glee.
Artemis forced a smile at the badly formed joke. He had just returned from his trip to Hybras and had momentarily forgotten about his new younger brothers. Speaking of his brothers…
"Beckett, where's Myles?" he asked.
The two-year-old shook his head. "No, Beckett cannot say," he proclaimed, "Myles make April Fools joke for Arty. Oops, Beckett not supposed to say." With that, he proceeded to punish himself by smacking himself on the forehead.
His eldest brother glanced to the calendar on his bedside table. Indeed, it was April the first. April Fools Day.
"Oops," little Beckett repeated, his face twisted into a weird expression, "Beckett poopie. Mummy say when poopie, Beckett must have nappy. But Beckett no like nappy. Hate nappy. Yucky nappy." He waved a clean diaper in his eldest brother's face, as if to make his point.
"Poopie?" Artemis took a second to comprehend the baby word before realizing what his younger brother did. Alarmed and suddenly fully awake, he scrambled out of his warm bed, gingerly holding his brother by the armpits.
He blinked in disbelief. The expected brown goop on his sheets and around his brother's legs wasn't there. He didn't have to dwell on that fact any longer, though.
Beckett laughed aloud in his brother's face. "April Fools, Arty!" he giggled, clapping his hands in glee, the diaper which was still in his hands whacking him in the face.
Artemis Fowl the second scowled. He, one of the most brilliant teenage criminal genii in the twenty-first century and a renowned child prodigy with one of the highest IQ in Europe, is outsmarted by his two-year-old brother?
He shook it off. It's just a harmless joke, he reasoned with himself as he gently put the culprit down, he got me with luck. And surprise with the unexpected.
0o0o0o0
Hundreds of feet below ground, the fairies burst out in laughter as they watch the event unfold on the wide plasma screen.
"I should've thought of that first," Holly said, her sides slightly pinched, "and mesmerized Beckett to do it."
"It's too late now," Foaly said, his eyes trained on the screen. "Come on, Artemis, take the bait."
0o0o0o0
Back in Fowl Manor, Artemis took the bait. Of course, during that time, he didn't know that.
A typewritten note caught his eye as he walked past his desk. A single word was printed on the front.
Artemis.
Curious, he picked up the folded piece of paper, unfolded it and began reading.
Hello, Master Fowl, it said.
First of all, happy April Fools' Day. What a silly day to celebrate about, isn't it not?
I'm just warning you that there are places and objects around Fowl Manor covered in superglue. Watch your step.
Superglue? Artemis thought, is this Holly's idea of a joke? Or Butler's?
Another thought struck him. Where is Butler?
Before he could think about it any further, the French double doors leading to the common corridor opened and Myles skipped into the room. Artemis stuck the note into his pocket as Myles tugged at his shirt.
"Arty!" he said, "come here."
"Alright, Myles," he replied, humoring his younger brother and allowing himself to be towed out of his bedroom, aware of a probable upcoming April Fools' trick.
Myles lead his elder brother down the corridor, his twin following behind the pair. They stopped at a t-junction.
He pointed to the left corridor. "Don't go there," he announced, "go there." He pointed to the right.
Artemis smiled and squat down so his eyes were level with his brothers'. "You don't fool me, Myles," he said, a hint of smugness woven in his voice, "I know you have laid a trap somewhere in the right corridor. There may be a trap in the left corridor too, in case I have figured your scheme out. No, brother, you tell me where you want me to go and why, and I will take my own alternative route."
Myles frowned. "Beckett told you?" he asked.
"Unfortunately, yes," he replied, "but don't blame him. It's accidental, according to him."
"Simple-toon," Myles muttered under his breath and sulked. "The kitchen," he said after a moment, "Butler is calling you."
Artemis spun on the balls of his feet and walked back down the corridor. As he passed by his bedroom, he wondered again about the note. He was so absorbed about the note that he didn't hear his twin brothers giggling softly, or the soft chink of metal against metal, or the sight thump of plastic hitting concrete until-
Splash!
The now soaking wet Artemis looked in dismay at the empty red bucket swinging from a rope on the ceiling. He followed the rope's length through two fixed simple pulleys, along the ceiling and down to…
"Myles!"
"April Fools, Arty!" the said brother laughed and made his quick escape with Beckett hot on his heels, still waving the diaper like a surrender flag.
Artemis considered going after them, but decided to take a quick shower first. Who knows what was in that bucket of water? Itching powder?
He spoke, or rather thought, too soon. Scratching his body like a monkey with fleas, he dashed down the corridor.
0o0o0o0
Down below, Holly and Foaly laughed so hard, their sides hurt and tears streamed down their faces.
"Oh, poor little Arty was so powned! Twice!" Holly cried out in amazement before laughter took over her control of her nervous system.
"By his own younger brothers too!" Foaly added, "Oh, I have to keep this video disk and rub it in his face sometime."
"Imagine," Holly chuckled, "At two years of age, Myles and Beckett have already outsmarted the great so-called 'legendary' Artemis Fowl!"
An awkward silence filled the Ops room as Holly's words sank in.
"I'd better start upgrading the LEP and Haven's defense system," Foaly muttered, opening a file with his v-goggles.
"And I have to start training harder and preparing the new LEP recruits against possible future invasions," Holly murmured.
0o0o0o0
All throughout the day, Artemis became paranoid about the whole 'superglue' incident the note had mentioned once he found Myles and Beckett stuck to the floor outside the library. The first thing is to find out who was the one who had left the note, and for what purpose. Was it meant to be a simple April Fools' joke, or something more?
Butler denied everything his young master had asked him regarding the note.
"But who else could have sent me the note?" Artemis wondered.
Butler decided to test his luck. "The LEP?" he suggested.
His principal shook his head. "I have checked the video footage of my room for last night. It seems that it was Myles who had placed the note on my table, but I know he couldn't have known its contents, for he has already played his prank on me. What's more, I have taught neither him nor his brother how to use the computer properly yet, let alone the printer. I have checked Myles' eyes for signs of the mesmer and slowed the video footage of my room down, scrutinizing it frame by frame, in case the fairies shielded themselves." He didn't add that he had checked the video footage of the corridor outside the library and found that it was Butler himself who had supposedly applied the superglue on the floor.
"To put it simply," Artemis concluded, "Holly is not the culprit."
"Holly?" Butler asked innocently.
"Of course," the teenage genius replied, "if I have found evidence pointing to the underground folks, Captain Short would be my first suspect, followed by the centaur. Only they will dare try tricking me."
Butler nodded thoughtfully. If Artemis really knows how close he is to the truth… "Did you encounter any incidents with the superglue?" the manservant asked, tactfully changing the subject.
"Not yet," said Artemis, "but my twin brothers did. I have not released them yet, as I have came to ask for your opinion first before heading down to the lab to create some thinner for the superglue. I have pretended that I have gotten 'revenge' on them, but I want to find out the real mastermind behind this crafty plot."
"Who else do you suspect?" Butler asked as he finished chopping the various vegetables for the afternoon salad, expertly scooping them with the knife to the clear salad bowl.
Artemis sighed. "I do not know, Butler. There is no one else that I know who would dare pull such a childish prank on me, yet is not afraid of what I may do to him or her when I find them." Then he noticed his bodyguard's strange expression. "What is the matter, Butler?" he asked.
He raised a hand, the chopping knife still in it. "The superglue was on the handle," he said.
"D'arvit!" the young Fowl swore under his breath. Even the best bodyguard fell for the superglue trick. "That means Mother, Father and I are the ones left who has not fallen for the trick yet."
"Oh, I forgot to mention to you," Butler said, his voice straining a bit at the effort as he tried to pry the knife away from his hand. "Your parents have gone out to personally reactivating each and every one of your bank accounts. They had left this morning, heading for Switzerland."
Artemis nodded. He remembered mesmerizing them to do so the day before, so he would be left alone at home to catch up with the world and think of an excuse to explain his three year disappearance.
"So I am the last victim, then." Artemis Fowl the Second frowned. "I must be wary of my steps." He turned to his butler (A/N: no pun intended). "I will make a batch of thinner for the glue. Do you mind heading to the lab with me? I could use the test subject."
"Of course, but let me walk in front of you just in case there are any superglue traps," the manservant said, and without waiting for an answer, placed the salad bowl on the counter and proceeded to the laboratory, his young charge at his heels.
0o0o0o0
Artemis drummed his fingers on the table, his eyes on his wristwatch. He had stayed in his study for the whole day, working on his laptop, which was swabbed with the new thinner thoroughly. The whole study had been scrubbed with the thinner by Butler, and every single meal had been carefully tested for signs of superglue. Even the bathroom connected to the study had been doused with thinner and his clothes were pre-soaked with it. He was as paranoid with his thinner as Foaly with his tinfoil hat.
Finally, after a long day, his watch beeped twice, signaling the end of April the first and the start of April the second. Artemis sighed in relief as he shut down the laptop and got off the hard wooden seat, stretching the stiffness out of his body. The practical joke should be over by now, as the cursed April Fools' Day was over.
He walked out of the study with confidence, sure that the superglue should have disappeared by then, making a beeline for his bedroom to satisfy his need for rest.
As he entered through the double doors, however, a flash of white caught his eye. Artemis looked down at the second note, so similar to the first, the same word in the same font on the top. Cautiously, he picked up the note and unfolded it. In it were three sentences, which made the teenage genius more and more appalled as he read on.
Happy April Fools, Arty, it said.
Love, Holly and Foaly.
P.S. Check the other clocks in your house.
Startled by the sudden change in subject, he turned to the digital clock on his bedside table.
It read 2357, April the first.
He glanced at his wristwatch in disbelief, which read 0007, April the second.
Frantically, he tried to put the note down, but that just confirmed his suspicions. No wonder the sheet of paper looked like it was folded to hide something. They had sprung their trap on him just when he had let his guard down! Why, those sneaky little fairies…
"Butler!" He burst out of the bedroom, calling for his bodyguard. Conveniently, too conveniently, he was standing just beside the doors, a screen and speakers in his arms. Not surprisingly, Holly and Foaly were pulling silly faces on the screen.
"April Fools, Artemis Fowl!" they said together and laughed.
"Butler!" Artemis said in disbelief, "you were in on this… devious plot?"
"In my defense," Butler said quickly, trying to avoid whatever punishment his young charge is planning in his head, "they forced me to cooperate with them, saying that, and I quote, 'it will be a harmless joke, just for laughs'."
"Traitor!" Holly yelled through the speakers.
"You still agreed to help anyway," Foaly pointed out.
"Butler," Artemis said, interrupting whatever Holly was about to say. "How long do I have until the end of the day?"
"Too short for you to plan anything, Mud Boy!" Foaly said.
"How long?" Artemis asked again.
"Approximately fifty-six seconds," Butler replied, glancing down at his watch.
Artemis turned to the screen and sighed. "I was saving this for a better time, but I guess this time is as good as any other."
"You're bluffing," Holly said in a sing-song voice immediately.
"Look at me in the eyes while I say it, Holly, and tell me if I am bluffing or not." Artemis stared at the screen as he said in a very serious tone that left both fairies horrified.
"I have secretly prepared some files that contained footage of the fairies and their magic, and I can send them to every single being who owns an email account on and under the Earth in a click of a button. These footages are taken so that they look very real, too real to be faked or altered. I will send those files just as I can get my hands on my laptop, because you have gotten me so worked up over some stupid so-called 'harmless' prank, and this is my revenge. I will reveal the People to the whole world, and humans will start looking for them, for you, just because you have childishly pulled a prank on me. The People will hate you, despise you, but they cannot do anything to you as they would be too busy fleeing and hiding from humans. Believe me, I can do that, and I will do that, but just because it is April Fools' Day, I would not."
The corridor remained silent as the random grandfather clock struck twelve.
Artemis straightened up and walked away purposefully, the fairies still silent with shock.
"Oh, and Butler?"
Said manservant looked up to his principle. "Yes, Artemis?"
Artemis gave his most vampiric smile. "Just because April Fools is almost over, does not mean I have forgotten about you."
Butler gulped soundlessly.
At the end of the corridor, as the grandfather clock finished chiming, Artemis looked back and smiled sincerely. And somehow, that scared everyone more than the signature vampire smile.
"April Fools, Butler, Holly, Foaly. Everyone." As the last chime sounded, he raised the hand with the note stuck to it up, turned, and walked down to his lab to fetch the last of the thinner.
0o0o0o0
A/N: Haha! Arty pwned you people back! xD
Sorry about Artemis being slightly OOC, I'm not that good with my vocabulary, couldn't match with Artemis'.
This story was meant to go on much longer, with sim-lollipops, pretend 'mind-wipe', Artemis just dreaming of the People the whole time, a bit of fluff for Holly as Artemis got his revenge… but then I'd be going off-point. Damn, all that planning for nothing.
I didn't time the little speech at the end, so I'm sorry if the time given –fifty-six seconds- was too long or too short. Or don't you guys care? =D
Also, I couldn't think of a better 'revenge' for Holly and co. Sorry.
Please review, as this is the first fanfic I've done for Arty! Flames are welcome, but I'd rather you give me a proper review! Thanks a bunch!