Some friends and I were talking the other day about how all of the Doctor's deaths seem to be so impossible and unrealistic. What's wrong with him dying like a normal person for once? Then we all stopped and considered how truly awful that would be. This is what I came up with…
Disclaimer: I own nothing, especially not Twix. (Which I thought it would be best to clarify, as they're probably the most likely to sue… if any of the CEOs has a bad sense of humour and a penchant for reading fanfiction)
THE COOL PART OF HEAVEN:
(The Twelfth Doctor traverses the pearly gates…)
7th Doctor: Hello there! Welcome to Heaven, future version of myself! Come on over, the whole gang's here!
Jesus: Hi! Nice to meet you. I can't stay and chat for long, I'm afraid.
4th Doctor: Really? Why?
Jesus: Well, I've been here two and a half days already; I'm gonna have to resurrect myself soon.
Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, me too.
The League of Nations: Sherlock Holmes? What are you doing here?
Sherlock Holmes: Arthur Conan Doyle wanted to kill me, but I'm just so popular he's going to have to bring me back.
8th Doctor: (under breath) Ninety… lousy… minutes!
Harry Potter: I was killed by my archenemy, but he didn't realise that he was part of me, so by killing me, he was actually killing part of himself! I have to go and kill him now.
Caesar: But if he killed you, how can you go back and kill him?
Harry Potter: Because I'm also a part of him, so I can use that part of me to come back to life!
Einstein: But wouldn't you then just kill that part of yourself that's in him and then die again?
Harry Potter: Nah, that won't happen.
3rd Doctor: Who told you that?
Harry Potter: A magical talking painting which looks like my old headmaster.
Gandalf the Grey: I've only got an hour and a half before I have to reincarnate in a more impressive form, but I do know some stuff about wizardry and that's just a painting; it's not actually Dumbledore.
Harry Potter: Nope, I'm pretty sure it's really him.
King Arthur: Dear friends, I too must someday part from this our heavenly host, in order to re-join my beloved Britain in her time of need!
6th Doctor: Surely that time is now? I mean, the financial crisis has made it so that England has more debt than the rest of Europe put together.
King Arthur: Nonsense. I'm sure the British people could elect somebody responsible to take care of things.
Pablo Picasso: It's a hung vote…
Richard the Lion Hearted: Lord help us, David Cameron's in power…
George III: With Nick Clegg! Even I wasn't that incompetent!
King Arthur: Oh, I don't know, I thought one or two of his arguments were convincing…
Winston Churchill: WE JUST LOST 4 - 1 TO GERMANY!
King Arthur: I'M COMING, SWEET ALBION!
Mohandas K Gandhi: You guys suck at cricket, too! XP
Queen Elizabeth the First: Shut it, you!
Steve Irwin: Hey, don't go treating us colonies like that!
Gandhi: Thank you.
Steve Irwin: You're welcome. We've all got to stick together.
Mozart: Steve Irwin? Eep! I'm such a huge fan!
John Keats: Ah, Wolfgang, you've made it… The great die young, don't we?
Elvis: Hi guys, what have I missed?
Jesus: Nooo! I believed you were still alive!
Elvis: (rolls eyes) That was decades ago, Jay. I die eventually of old age.
1st Doctor: Finally! Somebody reasonable. I don't understand the need these young people have for flashy deaths.
Yossarian: Quite.
10th Doctor: Oy! Don't be knocking flashy deaths!
9th Doctor: Yeah! Those take effort, they do! I had to swallow the entire time vortex!
Jack Harkness: I got shot in the head.
Jack Harkness: And I got zapped by a Dalek!
Jack Harkness: And I got crushed to death.
Jack Harkness: Me too.
Jack Harkness: Me too!
Jack Harkness: Me too!
Jack Harkness: Oh yeah? Well I got sexed to death by having sex with a hot alien sex monster!
Jim Carrey's Self Respect: Niiiiiice!
11th Doctor: Honestly Nine, you should have just let that bomb explode, there are millions of him running around up here!
2nd Doctor: Come on people, we're being rude to our guest! So, Twelve, what did you do to get up here?
12th Doctor: Well… Umm… I…
Alexander the Great: Go on, out with it!
12th Doctor: Well, I was eating this Twix bar, you see, 'cause they haven't got any nuts in and I'm allergic, only I didn't see on the label where it said that Twix were made in a factory which also processed nuts…
DOWN ON EARTH:
The Ghost of Ron Grainer: Oh the horror… The horror…
Russell T. Davies: I'm so sorry… I tried to stop them… but I'm not in charge of the plots anymore!
The Ghost of Ron Grainer: That's alright Russell… I know you did your best… I just don't know how I'm going to break this to Sydney…
The Ghost of Sydney Newman: I heard! Oh, what in the name of W2XB have they done to my show?
Vince Tyler: (sobs) Such… a lame… death!
(The four of them cry quietly for a while...)