Breakdown
Summary: Jeanne is dead, and Tony is all alone in his apartment after being released from the hospital. One-shot Angst.
Disclaimer: Surprisingly I don't own NCIS or the characters etc.
He'd been lying on the couch all day, drifting off to sleep occasionally, but mostly just staring at the ceiling or flipping through the daytime shows on the TV. He wondered if it was possible to see time float by if he just looked hard enough. Half awake and half asleep he thought he could spot it in the corner of his eyes and concluded that time always seized the moment to sneak past him when it thought he wasn't looking; this time disguised as a fly wandering across the white ceiling. He was convinced that it would disappear as soon he turned his head towards it.
The door bell rang.
He most have fallen asleep again, because he couldn't remember his last thoughts and he felt warm and sweaty. Groggily he located his crutches on the floor next to the couch, and sat up. He felt slightly insane and nauseous. The door bell rang again and someone called his name. He grasped his crutches and stood up, swaying. He had forgotten to take his pills. Never mind, he'd do it later.
He wasn't used to using crutches. It took a while to get to the door, but he got there eventually. He leant on his good leg as he reached to open the door. He felt somewhat happy to discover McGee standing outside. He invited him in. He welcomed distractions.
McGee seemed nervous. He was stuttering and failed to look him in the eyes. Tony realised he had forgotten to shave that morning. He couldn't remember if he shaved the morning before either. Gibbs obviously sent the younger agent to check on him. He wouldn't convince anyone he was doing alright when he was still wearing the same t-shirt and jeans he wore when they released him from the hospital.
McGee asked how he was doing. 'Just tired' he replied. He asked him if he wanted some coffee. McGee answered yes. They sat down at the table as the coffee machine started to brew. Tony asked about their current case and how it was going. Inside he wondered weather it would get any easier once he got back to work. He didn't think so. He bit his lip and tried not to sink into those thoughts again. He tried to focus on whatever it was McGee was talking about. It didn't work for very long and in his mind the memories came back to life to play. He felt sicker than ever and the whole world was swinging back and forth even though he was staring down at the table. He felt the overwhelming sadness he had tried to suppress rise in his throat. He covered his mouth and pretended to listen to McGee again, but his voice barely reached him as a far away echo. McGee must have noticed that something was wrong, because he began stuttering more than ever. He weren't used to this. He had never seen him cry before.
Tony got up. He didn't want to deal with this. The sadness and the weakness; it would all go away if he didn't think about it. He shook off McGee's awkward attempts to comfort him and limped to the bathroom and shut the door. He knew it was childish to lock himself inside like this, but it felt easier. He turned on the water in the washing bin and fell down to the floor sobbing, feeling worn and helpless. He closed his eyes and leant against the wall and fought for air. He didn't dare to open them. He could hear McGee outside. He sounded anxious and begged him to let him in. Tony knew the younger agent wouldn't have any trouble picking the lock, but he was grateful that he didn't. He wanted to tell him that, but he felt too paralysed to do anything but holding on to the floor, or wall, so he didn't fall.
He knew some time must have passed, because he could hear McGee talking to Gibbs on the phone. A while later there was a soft knock on the door and his boss asking to let him in. Tony dared to open his eyes, but the world was still making him seasick. He closed them again and reached for some paper to blow his nose. His arm trembled as he turned the door lock. He could hear someone entering. He got caught up in his senses for a moment, when the only thing he knew was the sound of soft fabric rubbing against fabric and the sound of quiet breathing as the older man sat down beside him. He wasn't crying anymore, just shivering and slightly swaying back and forth with his forehead pressed against his knee. He welcomed the warm arm placed firmly on his shoulders, pulling him into a strong embrace. He couldn't stop the tears which once again filled his eyes, but he didn't feel as nauseous now when Gibbs was there to stop him from falling. 'Schh, schh. It's going to be alright' the older man whispered in his ear, and for the first time for what seemed like an eternity, Tony thought it might actually be true. He felt exhausted but he finally found himself able to talk again. 'I think I scared McGee a little' he whispered back in a trembling voice. 'a little' replied Gibbs. Tony leant back against the wall and Gibbs handed him a paper napkin. 'Where is he now?' 'I sent him out to get us some pizza.' 'Pizza?' 'Pepperoni, sausage, extra cheese, right?' Tony let out a shaky laughter. Maybe things would be alright.