This is a little one shot I wrote completely on a whim, about a week ago. I was reading Playing With Fire again, and so swallowed my brain and er, posted this.
This is my first Skulduggery Pleasant story, so please enjoy and review!
DISCLAIMER: The Golden God, not me, not ever. Thank god.
Skulduggery Pleasant and The Dangers Of Taking Yourself Too Seriously
Valkyrie knew that her partner had taken himself too seriously on a number of occasions. Sometimes it was called for, and he often played it the other way around, but when faced with something stupid, Skulduggery couldn't see the point.
Man-Eating Cabbages being one of them.
"You're kidding me!" Valkyrie laughed, ducking a swipe from a cabbage and clicking her fingers to summon a flame. "Man-eating cabbages?"
Skulduggery would have rolled his eyes - if he had possessed eyes, and fired two shots into a cabbage, not waiting for them to reach their target before whirling gracefully and elbowing another in the mouth. "Kindly refrain from stating the obvious." He said smoothly, kicking and reloading.
"Man- eating cabbages though!" Valkyrie was nearly in hysterics - although what was so funny about cabbages she wasn't sure. Her reaction may have been down to a lack of proper food and only seeing dead people so far all day. "Come on, isn't it a little funny?"
The last cabbage disintegrated with a bang and a cloud of smoke, leaving behind a smell of wet dog and mouldy sprouts. Skulduggery looked around once more, in total surprise, before looking at Valkyrie, who was by now crying tears of mirth.
"Well." He murmured. "That was... Unexpected. What happened to the last cabbage?"
"Maybe it's like Harry Potter." Valkyrie hiccupped, wiping at her eyes. "Defeating it with laughter - hey! Are you scared of giant cabbages by any chance?" And she dissolved into helpless laughter once more.
All Skulduggery could do was scowl. "No..." He said quickly. "My dear Valkyrie, what makes you think that I, Skulduggery Pleasant, would be scared of a mere Man-eating Cabbage?"
It took a while to get Valkyrie on her feet again and, still giggling away, she managed to begin the long trek back to the Bentley, Skulduggery walking slightly behind, glancing behind him every so often as if a Man-eating Cabbage would be right behind him in his shadow.
"…You're scared of Cabbages?"
"No, I'm not!" Skulduggery protested, but Valkyrie didn't stop laughing. "Valkyrie, if You don't shit up now I will make you walk home. All two hundred miles."
Needless to say, Valkyrie shut up.
oOo
China was swanning it up in her library, delicately telling people to 'please pay their fines' (it worked especially effectively with the added enamours of China's new blood-red lipstick) and amusing herself by seducing the library's interns.
When Skulduggery and Valkyrie stomped in, China was not surprised, but she let out a sigh and turned around sharply. "And for what do I owe the pleasure?" She began to say, but Valkyrie jumped in front first.
"Skulduggery's scared of cabbages!" She blurted.
China raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "Is that so?" She asked, not seeming bothered one way or the other. "I always thought he would be scared of something like teddy bears, but this is even more stupid."
"I'M NOT SCARED OF TEDDY BEARS!" Skulduggery almost howled. "Not CABBAGES EITHER!"