I remember the day we first met. The moment I laid eyes on you I knew I could totally fall for you. And if by some kind of miracle a nerd like me ever got a chance with a girl like you… Well, things like that just don't happen…

But they do happen, just not the way you expect.

.

I walked in our apartment, dropped my keys on the counter and walked in our bedroom. The place always looks immaculate. And every time my feet cross the border between the hall and our room I get the most sickening feeling. Every time my feet steps in I realize just how sad of a person I really am.

I'm so tired of this. Our fights always end up the same way, you walking out of our house and me crawling in our bed holding my knees to my chest and sobbing until I fall sleep. I know, is pathetic.

Heaven knows how much I love this woman, how much I've been unwilling to give up on us. Because I just hope that someday when she wakes by my side, she will be the girl I met four years ago,

My Vicky Vale.

My leggy Valkirie,

My Sarah…

The girl that was never really mine.

I sat on our bed, took of my shoes, stripped to my underwear and laid my head on the pillow. I closed my eyes but before I could sleep I heard the door being opened.

"You're home early." Sarah didn't respond, she was probably rolling her eyes or ignoring me.

"I'm not staying, I have a new mission." When I opened my eyes I saw her grabbing some bag from our closed and making her way out of our room. "Don't wait up."

She always says that, never offering any kind of explanation. Sometimes she leaves and takes a week to come back. I used to get worried, wondering when she would get back, wondering if she would get back. I fear that someday she will just leave without a goodbye.

I turn my head to see the empty side of the bed, the cold pillow, the clean sheets. And I quietly say to myself:

"I won't."

"How is your dinner?" I ask her expectedly.

"Uh… It's really good Chuck. You know you don't have to cook dinner for me right?" She answers and I get the courage to look at her face. She looks so different. Her hair is shorter; she has a small scar on her inferior lip, even the blue of her eyes look darker. I didn't realize I was staring until she shifts uncomfortably on her sit.

"I want to."

We finish dinner quietly. It's like we don't have anything to talk about. Her work is classified and my work… Well I'm pretty sure she's not interested in what I do. I go do the dishes while she's takes her shower, when I'm done I sit on the couch to watch TV, but her phone rings.

"Sarah, your phone is ringing!" But the shower prevents her from hearing me, so I look at the caller I.D. which says Richard and answer it for her. "Sarah Bartowski's phone."

"Who is this?"

"It's Chuck Bartowski, her husband; Sarah can't talk right now, wanna leave a message?"

"Husband? What the hell? I… I'll call later…" I frown as the call finishes.

"Is that my phone?" I turn around to see my wife draped in a short towel looking at me.

"Yeah. Some guy named Richard called you. Who is he?"

"No! No… No… Chuck! I can't believe you did this. You told him I was married?"

"Why? Who is this guy, Sarah?" I can't believe this. This ain't happening…

"I… It's… just a mission." Her pleading eyes were almost begging me to drop the subject.

"Oh my God, oh my god…" I started walking backwards until I tripped and fell. I was feeling like the most ridiculous human in the world, it felt like someone had just twisted a knife in my chest. "What am I to you, Sarah? Who am I to you?" My vision was blurred by my own tears but I could tell by the trembling of her body she was sobbing too.

"Chuck, please…" She was walking toward me now, and when she touched me I had no strength to push her away. And as she kissed me I could taste the salt from our tears. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…" She repeated that, but I couldn't forgive her, because as much as I want to my mind drifts back to all the things she made me go through, while she was lying, killing and fucking for the greater good. I couldn't take it anymore.

I tried to escape her grasp, to run as far as I could but my desire to do that was replaced by anger, disappointment and frustration. So instead of pushing her away I rolled over her and put my tongue down her throat as far as I could and she let out a loud moan. I tore the towel from her body, and while one of my hands scraped its nails from her shoulders to her breasts the other pulled her hair hard.

I never acted this way, even the last two years when all they have been doing was mechanical sex, I was never this violent. But the way she was responding, she was enjoying it.

It was intense. But nothing compared to how it felt before… before their marriage went to hell. But he can take what he could get, and he was ready to succumb.

But that damn phone rang again.

And like always she answered it.

And he cried. He cried because it wasn't fair. Because he was miserable and because the woman he loves is not really his. And he is stupid to think otherwise.

He got dressed and numbly fell on the couch.

"Chuck, I need to go…" And suddenly she stopped when she saw the tears again. "You're still crying…"

"Take a good look. This is the last time I'll cry for you."

"What do you m-"

"I'm done Sarah. I'm done fighting… I'm done trying for the both of us."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying don't bother to come back this time. Our marriage is over." He couldn't look at her now, so he just closed his eyes, and what felt to be an eternity later he opened them again.

She wasn't there…

I hate you so much that I hope I never see you again,

But I love you so much that my biggest desire is that someone gives you the happiness I couldn't give to you.

Chuck.

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