Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, or any of the Bleach characters used in this fic. They all belong to Tite Kubo: the genius behind the captivating manga that started it all. I only own any of my original characters that I choose to include, as well as any of my own original plot ideas.

Fight Club

Prompt: I don't want to miss this moment...

A/N: For LJ.

"Oho!" came a laugh. "What's this? Talking to a girl with the doors closed, eh? That's not suspicious at all."

Ichigo growled, launching himself off the bed before his father could enter the room. "N-No!" he shouted, leaning into the door. "I mean, yes! W-We're just talking, dammit! Nothing suspicious about it!"

That foolish smile was now laid on the table, bringing Ichigo's eye to twitch. It was never simple with this idiot. Everything had to be some crude, sexual innuendo, or some massive secret. It couldn't just be a talk with his friends. Then again, it kind of was a secret, given what they were usually talking about. Hollows, Arrancars, the Soul Society... Were he to so much as let any of that slip, Ichigo was sure that he'd end up in the looney bin.

"If it's not suspicious, then you should open the door." The sound of clinking dishes came from Isshin's side. "I brought you all some ramen."

Still shoving his shoulder into the door, Ichigo turned, looking for approval from Rukia. Instead, he saw that the window was open, and that Kon was pretending to walk a tightrope. There was no way in hell he could let his dad in now.

How the hell would he explain a walking, talking, pervert of a stuffed lion?

"Not now, Dad," he sputtered, the stiffness in his joints settling in. "We're really not hungry."

Isshin grunted, pushing back with more force than Ichigo was prepared to deal with. As he fell to the floor, he pointed to Kon at the window, signaling to Rukia to grab him. She did so, slapping him onto the bed, eyes wide as she sat down on top of the plush figure before realizing what had happened.

It wasn't too audible, but anyone with a brain knew that Kon was very much enjoying his "view."

Contrary to Kon's muffled excitement, there was a loud cry of "Holy shit!" as the steaming broth flipped out of one of the bowls, landing squarely in Ichigo's face. He rolled around on the floor, trying to scrape the scalding liquid from his eyes. He reached around, looking for a t-shirt to wipe his face on, but ended up with someone suffocating him.

"Hang on, son!" Isshin howled, pressing something soft into his son's face. "I'll save you!"

As the pillow was shoved over his mouth and nose, Ichigo tried to swat his father away, hoping that he'd leave so that the object could later be used to silence Rukia's wild laughter.

Just as he managed to kick his "savior" away, Ichigo heard a click and saw a flash, turning to stare at the dark-haired girl who was still giggling like a maniac.

"The hell was that?"

Rukia smiled, backing towards the window, a digital camera in hand. "I'm sorry," she said through giggles, "but I couldn't help it. I mean, I'm not allowed to tease you, so I thought I'd record such a fine father-son moment for the future."

"G-Give me that!" he barked, lunging towards the bed. But it was too late. Rukia had slipped out the window, still laughing.

"Don't worry!" she called back. "I'll be sure to get everyone a copy!"

"You little bitch! Get your ass back here!" As Rukia skipped off down the street, Ichigo turned on his father. "What the hell, Dad? Now everyone at school's gonna know how insane you are! And who the hell do you think is gonna be the butt of all their jokes? Me!"

Isshin merely grinned, arms folded over his chest. "It's character-building, my boy. It's for your own good, Ichigo. Besides, Daddy knows best."

"'Daddy?'" he repeated, suddenly feeling sick. "I'm not six anymore, Dad! It was okay then, but now it's just weird!" There was a loud moan as Ichigo gave the man a good kick, sending him flying out the door. "I can't even have people over without you being a pervert and turning my room into some horrid rendition of Fight Club!" Ichigo turned, staring sourly out the window. "'Daddy knows best' my ass... You just ruin everything..."