A/N: Okay, so this was written in response to a challenge over on The P/C Fanfic Archive Forum. I'm not usually one for challenges because I am not so terribly great with deadlines but my muse was tempted with this challenge so I wrote it. Who am I to refuse my muse?
I was experimenting with a different style when I wrote this little guy so it's a little weird and abstract. My beta had to work with me A LOT to smooth the edges. She really deserves to be sainted for all the work she does for me. :) Anyway, I started writing this when I was half asleep (because that seems to be when I get inspired) so hopefully it will make as much sense to you as it did to me (and my beta).
Also, this from Jean-Luc's POV.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Star Trek related, I just borrow them from time to time so that they can get proper storylines and attention…oh and to make sure they get adequate exercise.
The Void You Leave…
When I close my eyes I see you.
Blue probes search my very soul for answers. Answers I cannot give because I don't know the questions. The questions only you know.
Your laugh haunts like a spring breeze in winter. Warm…teasing…inviting. I dream of it…search for it…long for it. But it's hidden like treasure. And I don't possess the map. Sometimes when I delve deep within my soul I find shadows of it. It is no more than a faint whisper in my ear, a buzzing that weaves into my thoughts when I allow dreams to invade reality.
I miss it and how you wore it, the glow of your flushed cheeks and the brilliance in your eyes. But time stole it away.
Time is cruel and heartless. It takes its prisoner swiftly and unwillingly just as tragic accidents claim with no rhyme or reason.
If I had to do it over…I would. If I could erase it all…I would. But I can't.
They say if you were aware, you'd forgive me. Absolutely.
But absolution is a myth. A concocted sentiment…made by men to explain away their unrealized regrettable actions. Made by men with no hearts.
I have a heart. Though it's mechanical, it still beats. It still lives. It still loves. It still remembers…everything.
And maybe that's the worst part.
I see you and I know. But you…when you look at me now, your eyes are vacant…hesitant…guarded. In them I don't see anything I recognize. I see nothing. No love, no recollection, no life.
They are unflinching and cold. Like stubborn icicles they grow from the smooth surface of a blank slate. They hold a life neither one of us are part of…aside from my forced vigil by your side.
They say this is as temporary as the winter snow. They say it will eventually thaw and you'll be you again. But the question isn't if, it's when.
My sighs go unheard. They float out into the dusty vacuum of space…sucked from galaxy to galaxy, searching desperately for an audience who cares. It's a long, tiresome journey. But it's all I have. I hold onto the hope that one day someone may hear me.
The sun's rays drift across the bed, pulling with them the stark start to another day. They don't come kicking and screaming anymore. They just come, grudgingly.
The heat of your skin, the throb of your pulse, the rush of blood through your veins. They are deceptive…maddeningly deceptive.
I crave your touch…your voice…your smile. And a piece of my heart fears I'll never experience them again. Not like before.
I'm sure I could live without them. But why would I want to?
You were everything. You are everything.
A reminder of my humanity. A reminder of my faults and weaknesses. Reminders that I embrace. The truth is now acknowledged and accepted. I should have nothing to fear. But I am afraid.
Afraid that you won't look at me ever again and know the true meaning of the words I say to you every day. Afraid that I will never see that twinkle in your eye, when I confess to you the darkest secrets of my desire. And afraid that you will never feel my touch on your skin and tingle at its significance.
But I do have my dreams.
I will dream of you forever. And they will be no different than the dreams I've had for most of my life. Because you've always been in them.
"You have," I murmur aloud.
Faint questions wade through my pool of thoughts. For a moment I think I hear your voice. Deception and madness swirl in my head.
But when I look at you, I see clearly for the first time in weeks. Crystalline blue stare back as emotional fire builds behind them. I sigh.
"I have what?" you ask softly.
My head spins. My chest aches. My eyes…my ears betray what I've known to be.
And then it happens.
My world returns. My heart, my soul awakens. The rush of warmth brings me to my senses. I look at you. And with one brilliant smile, you erase every demon that ever walked the surface of my soul.
The end.