FIVE YEARS LATER
TOBIAS
It's beautiful day outside and I stare through the window, deeply in thoughts. It's Memorial Day today, former Choosing Day. I can't help myself but keep wondering where would I be now if seven years ago I would made different choice. Or if Tris would.
Her voice brings me back to reality. "It's time" She says and I turn from the window to meet Her grey eyes. Bright sun gives them metallic shimmer, so they look almost silver not grey - I still can't understand how the cool colour of Her eyes can let Her stare be so warm.
We are heading to Millenium Park, now also known as the Memorial Park. It was Her idea and I pushed it through the council, which accepted it with enthusiasm. She teached me important lesson that day, when She told me about the idea. "It's not about trying to forget or hoping that pain of this loss will go away. It's about accepting this pain and learning to live with it".
As we reach Millenium memories starting to push their way through. Almost nothing changed here, except of greenery that has been restored. Plated mammoth and Big Bean have been left the same - old and rusty, to remain us of the time that passed. To pay respect to the memories and lives that have been lost.
We stop under the mammoth and She releases my hand, gently pushing me forward. She doesn't say anything, but I know what She would say: "Take your time".
I head to the back of the structure and start climbing it. The closer I'm getting the more tense I feel. When I reach the point, where two metal plates connect into "V" shape, I settle myself down, lying bunch of flowers next to me. I never had a chance to give Tris flowers when she was with me, so now I'm trying to pay back this debt. I close my eyes and let memories rush toward me. Some of them are faded, but I still remember that sensation in my stomach when five years ago I was sitting in exactly the same spot and felt Tris's heat next to my body. I close my eyes and let in all the feelings. Love, desire, loss, longing. The pain is still there, but it has changed - it's not so hungry anymore. I wait for it to break through the cloud of all the other feelings and welcome it with open arms.
When I open my eyes again the sky is turning orange, sun slowly setting. I rise myself up with a bit of struggle, my legs numb from crouching. I don't know how long I've been sitting there, but when I climb down She is still there, waiting with a little smile on her face. We head back towards the river and there is silence between us, but not an awkward or tense silence - a peaceful one. I don't take Her hand - I need a moment. Eventually I burst out "Doesn't that feel weird for you?". She look at me with question in Her eyes. "You know..." I continue, "the thought that I will be always coming back to that in my head and that there will be always that space in my heart not... not available to anyone else". "Tobias." She says, determination in her voice " what you have been through changed you. That love have changed you, have made you the man I know now. And I can't help, but to feel..." I tense. What does it make feel like? Jealous? Sad? "...Grateful". I smile. Should have never underestimate Her - She is not my Tris and She is not so brave, but She has her own strenght. She have never been Dautless or Abnegation, Candor or Erudite, not even Divergent. She is different and that difference was like breathe of fresh air in my life.
"Besides" She continues with cheeky spark in Her eyes "I heard you used to be a little creepy before". And I can't help but laugh out laud. It feels so good to laugh again.