Hi, hey, hello!
So I'm pretty much dying right now with all this brittana (which isn't that much but is definitely enough to make us go crazy). I hope you all get to watch the episode in two weeks, it's definitely going to be a huge day for us I suppose. I'm excited cause I've only heard good things for our girls so...maybe RIB did us a good one for once.
So this really isn't much but I just needed to get a little of the feels out.
Thanks,
B.
And Counting
"101,867".
She continued to just look at me, her head titling off to the side, eyes squinting and lips quirking at the corner –quizzical.
"What?", her voice so soft and sweet my smile only grew even as the pink spread quickly across my cheeks and high upon my cheek bones.
"101,868", I responded steadily as the next smile grew broadly across her lips.
"I don't think I get what's happening right now. Is this some counting game and I'm losing?", she looked so intrigued yet so confused that I couldn't help the light giggle which slips through my own lips. "Seriously, what?"
I allowed her a moment to try and figure out what was happening but after coming up blank I changed the conversations direction.
"So how's MIT?", she smiled softly for just a moment but it never reached her eyes –a frown quickly taking its place, evidently making my own mouth turn down at the corners.
"It's –it's okay. It's fun at times but sometimes it's just really hard", she looked at me, deep into my eyes, "It's different. I know that it was never meant to be like high school, but sometimes I think...I really wish it was", I nodded gently. I understood. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know what she means. When I left for New York and left everything behind, at times I just wanted to retreat, to go bad and right my wrongs and to just have her back.
"Me too".
"I miss this. This place. You were right, it is where we fell in love –deeply and madly in love", she laughed and I laughed along with her.
101,869.
Her smile dropped once more and her voice became shaky, eyes shining, threatening tears.
"Sometimes I wish I could have taken this all with me",
"Why's that?", I asked, voice soft as a whisper.
"It holds all of these memories, good and bad. But it's somewhere we all came back to in the end, we never went long without seeing the insides of this room again –the chairs, the piano –each other", she carefully reached over and linked her pinky with mine, I smiled down at the gesture.
"If I could have taken it all with me I'd know that you would have always come back. You'd always be with me. I wouldn't have to miss you so much because you would have already been there", a single tear rolled slowly down the side of her face, leaving a wet track in its place.
"I know and I'm sorry", my own voice hoarse. "I never should have left you. If there is one thing I regret most in this world, it's that. I promised I'd never leave you and I broke it –I'm so sorry", I brought my knees to my chest, not even minding the fact that I was wearing a skirt. I shoved my face into my free hand trying to still the oncoming tears but failing miserably.
I guess it's only fair that she gets to see me hurt as much as I made her.
"I'm such an idiot", the sobs bubbling from my chest.
"Hey", Her hands were warm around my waist –tight and comforting. I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve her. "You know I hate that word", she pulled me to her chest where I could feel the steady thumping of her heart again my ear.
It felt like home.
"I want you to know that I don't blame you for what happened between us. I'm not angry. I was upset, yes, but I eventually realised that you really were just doing it for me", she gripped my left hand with her right, holding firm. "You wanted what was best for me and you thought you weren't that. You were wrong but I understand your reasoning".
Silence.
"I love you, Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anybody else in this world. All I know about you and I is that because of that, I think that anything is possible. I meant it when I told you that the first time. This", she said, using our connected hands to gesture between the both of us, "Is possible. We are possible. Every great relationship has some bumps along the way. Every relationship needs those bumps because how else are you truly going to realise that they're all that you need in this world".
"This miserable stinking world", I mumbled into her chest, making her laugh and flash me a broad smile.
101,870.
"It's not so miserable, I did find you after all. But Santana, that was our big bump and if you're willing, maybe we can try working on us...together. Maybe we can see if you can love me again".
"I never stopped", I said it will conviction. She needed to know that she was always what my heart yearned for. She has always been in my heart and on my mind.
I lifted myself into a better sitting position, no longer leaning heavily into Brittany's chest, and looked straight into her eyes. They say you can tell a lie by their eyes, but I needed her to know I was being honest.
"I love you Brittany. I have never stopped and I know that I never will. But I don't think we need to see if I can love you again, it would be if you can ever love me again. I hurt you so much. I'm always hurting you and I'm so sorry. I just don't want to hurt you anymore". I ducked my head, allowing salty rivers to run in straight lines down my burning cheeks.
With a finger under my chin, she raised my head and my eyes met hers. "The only way you can hurt me is if you say no", I furrowed my brows slightly, "No to us. No to us trying again and no to letting me kiss you", it was only now that I'd noticed her eyes had gravitated to my lips, I licked them on instinct. I swallowed, appeasing my dry throat. Now or never.
Now.
Kissing Brittany was always magical. It was like the taste of cotton candy and strawberries on soft clouds. I was crying and I didn't know why anymore. Maybe it was relief. Gratitude. Maybe it was just love. But I'd never felt so at ease before, like a huge weight just lifted from my shoulders –lifted from my heart.
I was where I needed to be and I never wanted to leave.
When we broke apart her eyes were shining and I knew just from a look that she was smiling too.
"101,871", I whispered, air brushing upon her swollen lips. The same quizzical look appearing once more.
"What is that?",
"Remember when I told you I've counted the times you smiled at me", her eyes widened slightly, but an adoring expression soon melted upon her features, mixed with a question which could only be 'For how long?", "Since I met you".
She smiled even bigger this time, giving a small shake of her head before whispering 'I love you' and leaning in and kissing me once more.
"101, 872 and counting".