Very, very old but funny story! Will have 8 Episodes.

Find the German translation on FanFictionNet, it's called: Per Anhalter durch das Star Trek Universum: The Next Generation!

OOO

T h e H i t c h h i k e r ' s G u i d e

to

S T A R T R E K

T h e N e x t G e n e r a t i o n

[ Don't Panic! ]

by

David T Lu and Mickey McCarter

(with sincere apologies to Douglas Adams and all Star Trek writers)

September 21, 1990

This parody is written by David T Lu and Mickey McCarter, and hereby

granted to the Public Domain. All duplications of this parody is

completely legal as long as such duplications are made within the

United Federation Space, that this notice be included with all

duplications, and each duplication is made with a donation of

fifty (50) Altarian Dollars, at the current inter-galactic money

market exchange rate, to Save the Dolphins Foundation, in care of:

David T Lu, Amateur Thinker

...milky

-or-

Mickey McCarter, Potential President

...milky

SCENE 1:

Enterprise Bridge. Everyone at his/her stations.

Data: Captain, sensors are picking up two vessels ahead. One appears to be firing upon the other. However, I am receiving no distress signals.

Picard: Is it the Borg, Mr. Data?

Data: I believe it is the Borg, sir. The larger ship appears to be rectangular in shape.

Riker: Red Alert! Shields up! Fire all weapons!

Picard: Delay that order, Number One. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not even kidnapped yet. Therefore, I am in charge of this ship!

Riker: Oh, that's right. Sorry, sir. I'll wait until you've been kidnapped, and then I'll fire at the Borg ship, with you in it!

Picard: Err..., right! What about the other ship, Data? Is it the Romulans?

Data: Unknown, Captain. It's shaped like ... a shoe.

Picard: A shoe?

Riker: It must be the rumored Romulan Nike class. It's supposed to run faster, jump farther, has better shields for shock absorption, and a little pump on top that you can squeeze. I read about it in this week's "Playbeing" ... err, (avoiding the questioning gaze of Troi) only for the articles, of course. It's supposed to be top secret. Didn't you see it, Captain?

Picard: You mean that article on page 42, right after the holoimages of Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six? Of course not! Everyone knows that I only read William Shakespeare and Oolon Colluphid. Data, on screen.

On the screen, holoimages of Eccentrica Gallumbits of Eroticon Six flash by. She is shown in a variety of rather creative poses. Her three breasts hanging ...

Picard: The Borg, Mr. Data!

Data: My apologies, sir. I thought you meant ...

Picard: Thank you, Mr. Data!

On the screen, we now see the Borg ship tractor-beaming a much smaller, white, shoe-shaped ship. It's shields almost gone, offering no resistance. Hushed disappointments fill the bridge.

Picard: (coughs) Worf, open a channel to the ... shoe.

Worf: Channel opened, sir.

Eddie: Hi there! I'm Eddie, the shipboard computer here at the Heart of Gold, and I want to be your friend!

Picard: (standing up, straightening his uniform) I'm Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS Enterprise. I notice that you are having some difficulties. Do you wish our assistance.

Eddie: Well, hello, Jean-Luc! Oh yeah, I can definitely use an extra hand over here. You see, I'm trying to make some tea.

Riker: Tea?

Data: Tea. An ancient Earth beverage originated in Asia. China, to be precise. It consists of dried leaves in boiled water.

Eddie: Yep, just like your robot says! With milk.

Riker: Squirted out of a cow?

Data: Which, I believe, is an English tradition. By the way, I am not a robot. I'm an android.

Wesley: (whispers) Contractions, Data!

Data: What? Oh, I mean, I am an android.

Picard: Well, that's all very nice. I am sure we can arrange for some tea to be made. Right, Mr. LaForge?

Geordi: It will require redesigning the data structures of our food synthesizers, reprogramming the holodeck to create solid matters simulating Asiatic plant life, implementing an error checking protocol that allows the two to communicate in parallel, and creating a user-friendly, menu-driven, icon-based graphics user interface with mouse support and on-line, context-sensitive, hypertext help. Give me twenty minutes, and I'll have it purring like a Syranian monkey-cow in heat.

Picard: Make it so, Lieutenant. (turning to Eddie on the screen) Actually, the difficulty I was referring to was the Borg that is currently attacking you.

Eddie: Huh? What Borg? Hold on, let me allocate a couple megajoules to my external sensors. (pause) Yikes! Hey, guys, I'm being attac about this. I'll get back to you in a sec.

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Insert 30 seconds of Nike Michael Jordon promo commercial here, interrupted by an Energizer rabbit drumming in ... "Thump! Thump! Thump! And it keeps going, and going, ..."

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SCENE 2:

Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Heart of Gold, Arthur, Ford, Zaphod, and Trillian are staring at the rear viewer as if they are being attacked by the Borg, which, as it happens, they are. The ship continuous to rock continuously as it absorbs blows upon blows of Borg's phasers. Marvin begins to whistle a new tune that he had just made up ...

Arthur: So, this is it. We're all going to die.

Ford: Over a cup of tea.

Trillian: With milk.

Marvin: Don't bother to ask me what tune I'm whistling, because even if I tell you, you won't understand it. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, reduced to entertaining myself by making music. Music. Oh, how I hate music. By the way, our shields can last another 23.2536 seconds, in case anyone's paused for what he calculates to the nanosecond the amount of time required for an average human being and an average Betelgeusian to register in their pity cerebrums the destruction time that he had just cited, then added another 1.2548 seconds to compensate for this particular crew.

Marvin: I'm not getting you down at all, am I?

Zaphod: Hey, guys, lighten up! I'm sure we can think of something! Let's see (looking under the control console) ... where's Eddie's plug? Maybe we can, like, pull it or something.

Marvin: I thought you wanted excitement and adventure and really wild things.

Zaphod: Shut up, Marvin. Zarquons, I need a drink!

Eddie: Hi guys! (coming back, he startled everyone on the Heart of Gold. Zaphod bangs both of his heads under the control console) Did someone say a drink? Come on, give me a break! Here I am, being attacked by a Borg, whatever that is, and first you asked me to make you some tea, and now you want a drink? All right, what'll it be?

Zaphod: Some Gargle Blasters, you misaligned piece of Kronian El-Cheapo Silicon! Now get us outta here!

Eddie: On the rocks?

Zaphod: I said, GET US OUTTA HERE !

Eddie: Okay, okay. Gee, you don't have to take it so personally. Now, where would you like to visit today. I am programmed to take you ...

Zaphod: ANYWHERE !

Marvin: If I may be so bold as to interrupt, which I know is pointless anyway as nobody ever listens to what I have to say. Nobody ever cares about what I thinks, not that it's anyone's fault. My intelligence is so mind-bogglingly vast that nobody can even began to understand what I am thinking. Anyway, I just like to mention that we will all be dissipated into our composing

molecules in 5.2387 seconds, not that I'm counting. It's being nice knowing you all ...

Eddie: Anywhere? Hmmmm... well, can someone at least give me a seed for the random number generator?

Zaphod lunges toward the control console, hitting a combination of buttons and switches all at once. Suddenly, the bridge begins to bend out of shape. Space and time warps on top of itself and falls over. Traffic lights appear out of nowhere and amuse themselves by handing out parking tickets. The last decimal digit of pi shys away into a corner and hides itself from mathematicians forever.

It starts to rain "We are the World" albums.

ooo

What will happen to our beloved Enterprise? Will they be able to stop the Borg?

What about the Heart of Gold? Will it survive the Borg's phasers?

Does Arthur still have his pocket fluff?

Is anyone carrying a towel?

Finally, the question that has been burning in our hearts since the beginning of time ... will Arthur finally be able to get his cup of tea? With milk?

For the answers to these, and many other, totally irrelevant questions, stay tuned for the next exciting episode of ...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation!

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