Updated: 30 Sep 2018

Fairfield, Pennsylvania: December 04, 2004

Retired Specialist David Webster

Medical Discharged From The United States Army

Homecoming Day- First Day

The ride home was a silent one.

Passing by were the trees of the wooded area and the sound of the engine from the old beat down truck. Geese flew in a V-shaped group heading towards warmer weather for the season. Deer were seen in a quick flash walking about for something to eat and curious of the noise that caught their attention.

The radio was barely audible playing music that was nothing more then noise to their ears. He had come to focus on the passing trees with his arm resting on the door trying to keep his mind off of the memories.

Snow was lightly falling against the window of the truck. Touching the glass, the snow melted into a liquid; sliding down or blowing against the wind. The heat warmed their bodies as the outside world had welcomed winter and the years snow.

Home was just a few more miles through curved roads and hills. Cars passed by in a caution slow motion. This was the time of year many would look forward too. Christmas was only weeks away. Families were making plans to visit their relatives. Holiday gifts were being requested or had been wrapped in paper with designs of snow or Santa Claus if one was a child. The Christmas tree would soon be up with the lights and at the top of that tree, an angel or star would be the center piece.

It was to be a happy reunion with feasts; talking of old time stories. Children running amuck pulling pranks on one another or requesting to open a present very early. Three long years have changed that. Emotions were kept locked away. At the wheel she kept catching glimpses of her passenger who was looking out at the window with a dead end stare that once shown happiness.

In the reflection of the window of her passenger, black eyes looked to the passing trees. There was a thoughtful look that reflected back to the image on the other side. In black eyes that once held laughter, emotions, now only pain and sorrow captured the look of a twenty-five year old man. The passenger has not said a word since arriving at the airport. There were no hugs; not even a kiss on the cheek. Only a lone figure who looked lost with people passing him by. He felt alone.

He felt lost in a world he was once a part of.

Her hands held the wheel tightly. She wanted to cry, but she just could not show it. Three years of waiting to hear that call to come. A voice or a knock at the door telling her that her husband had been killed in Afghanistan. What would she tell her daughter? How would she handle taking care of themselves? Luckily, that knock at the door did not bare the news of death. The passenger sitting quietly with eyes looking out the window was her husband, but it was not her husband. Something in him had been killed. He was no longer the same man she married before he was deployed for three years. Now all that was left was just a shell. A shell that had closed himself off to the world around him.

Coming up a driveway to a small home that was built in the early 1900's, she had stopped the truck and turned it off. At the door she could see three figures coming out in coats, as the smallest of the three came running down the small steps. Her husband did not speak when a shine in his eyes recognized the small figure running as fast as her little legs could bring her. He opened the door letting the cool air in. Small steps were taken towards the small girl who wore her coat with a flower pattern. Bouncing curls underneath a hat and her face flushed red, screaming with laughter towards her father. Bending to one knee he quickly placed his arms around the little girl.

"Daddy's home! Daddy's home!" She shouted with delight.

He did not say a word to his little girl. His wife had come out of the truck with his belongings in a duffel bag. All remnants of his military life were only his clothes, a few ribbons, even a purple heart or two; but he did not need them. Too many memories that needed to be locked away until the time came where he needed to face what had happened overseas. Right now, he stood to his full height with his little girl in his arms. A small smile (a fake smile) had found it's way to his lips. The pain that caused him to show that emotion was for his little girl. He did not want her to see him hurt.

The two figures that had come out with the little girl were his wife's parent's. This small home had belonged to them. When he was deployed, his wife found it best to live with them until he came home. Observing his surroundings made him feel open. Somewhere out there in the forest his mind could see movement. Images flashed quickly of the desert sand blowing against his face with the enemy shooting live ammo at his patrol. Closing his eyes tightly shut, then opening them to see nothing was there. Looking to the old home he noticed something that was there. On the porch was a banner with large letter's welcoming him home.

"I made it myself." Mused his daughter with a large smile not knowing that moments before he father was lost in his own mind. She kept a hold around him when he placed the smile on his face to the banner.

"It's beautiful."

Inside the warm home, David had let his daughter down. Annie was talking fast about how cold the weather was becoming. She had also said how Gettysburg was a large playground with statues and even the candy store in town had many good sweets. Of coarse when he was overseas, David would receive letter's from his wife and her parents talking about how Annie loved to go to the battlefield and look at the large area with curious eyes. On some occasion phone calls about how he was doing overseas had to be cut short, but three months before had been the toughest for David emotionally and physically.

"Daddy. Are you okay?" Annie asked feeling sad. David looked to his daughter noticing the same facial expression everyone seemed to be giving him. He could not understand why those around him kept frowning at him. What would they expect David to say or even do when he could barely express any source of emotion?

Debbie (his wife's mother) noticed the sudden change from the living room and walked towards them seeking to ease the tension from David.

"He is fine, Annie. Your father just needs to adjust to coming back home." She assured the small girl. "Come, let us take off your coat and begin making dinner, okay."

Annie looked to her grandmother and that frown turned into a smile. David's body seemed to settle down from having being put under pressure. His muscles, however, were tense and unable to relax knowing there was no danger around him.

"Can we make noodles? Daddy needs to warm up from his long trip." Annie spoke with a chuckle to her speech.

Debbie lightly smile. Taking Annie's hand in hers, she glanced at her son-in-law. David looked to her and she could see how much muscle he has gained since she last saw him. He was a different man and he looked like a stranger to Debbie. But, David has been through enough trauma and she wanted him to feel as if he never left. "Take all the time to adjust, David. You must be tired from being away for so long."

"Thank you, Debbie." David said with a low baritone voice.

The two family member's turned their backs to him to head into the kitchen. All the happiness was turned into a cold breeze leaving David alone to himself. Sighing lightly, David turned to head back outside where he was most comfortable.

He did not feel all that welcome or was it because he did not want to feel the love that was given to him by his daughter? Closing the door he walked to the rails and placed his hands on the aging wood.

Breathing in the cool December air to clear his mind, the trees around the house were stripped of their leaves for the season. The snow continued to fall lightly. All around him he could feel himself slipping away from a once normal life. Everything began to shake and move in a blur. His hands tightened against the wood with eyes closed. He could hear them. He could see them. The ringing sound coming back to him. His ears remembering the sound of ammo falling down in the Humvee. Shrapnel bouncing off hitting a soldier or two. The smell of blood and dirt being inhaled and coughing, trying to breath while his heart raced.

Those blurry figures screaming at him to move. They pushed him forwards to keep away from danger. On the other side, he knew they wanted them dead.

"David." He felt a hand touch his shoulder. Out of instinct and reaction to the image of a Afghan with a rifle held ready to fire, he quickly turned not knowing whose wrist he held tightly.

"David, you're hurting me." Snapping out of his daze he knew that voice. Jane (his wife) had tears forming in her brown eyes.

He looked down to see his grip tightening his hold.

"Sorry. I-" He quickly let her wrist go from his grip. She took a step back from him as if he were a monster. The look in her eyes was only out of fear and hurt. David closed his mouth. He rushed past her without making further eye contact.

Jane had her back against the wall looking to her husband or the shell of her husband walking away from her. A tear rolled down her cheek as both the pain and sadness welled up inside of her chest. Moments later she was sobbing.

Stepping down the stairs, the door had opened and closed behind him. David had walked in a fast pace to get away for a moment. The time to think. The time to clear his mind. They said that he was fine. They said that he had nothing wrong with him. His wounds have healed, but were still tender in some places. It was not the problem with his outward appearance, it was inside of his mind that was the main problem. Flashbacks. Images. It was driving him to blackout and not know what had happened. He had almost crushed his wife's wrist with his strength.

He found a tree to lean on. The sound of a passing car against the gravel of road paid him no mind. Behind him he could hear the sound of footsteps against the rocks and leaves that had falling. Once again instinct and protection had taken over. He waited for the person to come up behind him. He could feel the anxiety dwell in his chest. His heart beat against him.

One. Two. Three.

Turning around he saw an older man. Adam held up his hands with the palms facing David. "Calm down, David. I am not here to hurt you."

David closed his eyes. Taking in a deep breath he was calmed with the anxiety slowly fading. Tense muscles were still on guard, but he could feel a strain in his left shoulder. Opening his eyes to Adam, the older man lowered his arms slowly. He knew what David was going through. He knew about the constant alert. He knew about the flashbacks, because truth be told, Adam was a Vietnam veteran. A former marine who saw war and all of it's horror.

"You saw what happened, did you?" David asked not sure how to feel.

"I saw." David lightly flinched. Adam sighed and continued. "You did not hurt her, luckily. I had told her to make sure not to sneak up behind you or let Annie try to do unnecessary things. I do not want you to have to hurt your own family."

"What am I to do? Jane had a look in her eyes. I was about to snap at her, but I had restrained myself. I am afraid next time she will not be so lucky." There was distress in his voice. His back had found the tree he was leaning on moments earlier. The cool air and the clouds of grey was indication that snow was to fall heavy.

"What you saw out there, it is hard to forget. Now that you are home with us is like feeling like an outsider. You are stuck in your own head. Fighting that war that continues to flash in and out. When someone tries to calm you, you do not know the difference between what you see in your mind." Adam placed his hands in the pockets of his coat. "I had a discussion with Debbie and Jane. It is best you see a psychiatrists-"

"-and have them tell me I am not fit to live a normal life?" David interrupted. "They do not know what I saw out there or what I had been through for the past month's. Am I to go to confess and they tell me to take medication to calm myself and live like a zombie? Is that what you did after you came back from Vietnam?"

"It was a different time, David. I still live with those memories and I know what it could do to families. I do not want to have my daughter live an unhappy life knowing her husband and the father our her child is living the flashbacks of war!" Adam shouted.

"It was a different time, indeed. I am not ready to face what I had seen yet. Let me do this on my own Adam. Let me try to recover without help from some shrink that think crying and bitching would solve all problems." David pushed himself off the tree. His dark eyes looked solemnly towards his father-in-law. The older man could not force David to go. He understood. Nodding his head with defeat he turned around to head back into the house.

"If it gets worse, David, you will have to go see that shrink. He specializes in our condition. Flashbacks, images, violent thrashing against loved ones. Please go before it's too late." With defeat in his voice, Adam walked off leaving David to suffer in the war in his mind.

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