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Zuko Alone

Sometimes I wish I could just hurry up and die.

He knows it's cruel and selfish of him to think so, but really, he doesn't have anything to live for. He feels as if everything has been taken from him. His right to life has been taken; the ability to love has been taken, so all he can do is stand alone to face his destiny.

And for once, I can blame somebody else for my pain, instead of myself.

His father helped him see all of this, so in a sense, he should feel grateful to the old man. (Yes, I should feel grateful.)He knows deep, deep, deep down past his father's cold black hole (I meant to say heart, sorry) is some (horribly demented) form of a soul, a soul that is loving and kind and parental. (Instead of a fucking psychopathic sadistic bastard.)But hey, even if his father has scarred his face for the rest of his fucking life just because he spoke out of turn, he knows deep down that dear old dad is sorry (that he couldn't get the other half of my face, too. Oh, and for wanting to jack off as I sat on the floor screaming in pain.) The way his father looked at him during his "teaching", he worried for a second, afraid that this man he loved (past tense, I can't love him because he made me hate myself) would one day go too far…that he wouldn't just stop at burning one person. (And he'd love every second of it, too.)

I think my sister may have loved it even more, though.

He can't help but rage against his sister too. Even though she's just so young, she acts completely spoiled. (Or like a bitch.) He knows that she has always held a special place in his heart, and she knows it too. She always trains with dad, always acts like dad, is always around their father; and it scares the living shit out of him. (What if all those groans during her training weren't from the strain? It would explain the funny marks, the way she walks, and why she seems so very close to him) She just acts like she's so damn special. Even if she can change the color of her fire, it doesn't mean she has to act like a (mother fucking bitch) jerk. He used to think his dad was great, but that all changed when he scarred him. But now, he's worried about his sister too. Afraid for her. (Afraid of what she's becoming. Afraid of the animal she has become. Afraid that she's going to be just like dad.) And he wouldn't be surprised if she broke down from all of it one day.

I know mom wouldn't have let this happen.

If she hadn't left… he wonders often how things would be different. Maybe dad wouldn't have burned the shit out of him. (Because she wouldn't have allowed it. Hell, maybe dad would've still been sane.) Maybe his sister wouldn't be such a psychopathic fucknut bent on being absolutely perfect for dad. (Mom would have made her relax. Smell the flowers, play with those cute- not that he'd admit it- friends of hers.) But no, she left them here (Left me here) to fend for themselves without her cheery air, her grace, her smile, her kindness. (I wonder how kind she really was. She could've taken me with her, or at least my sister, so one of us could get away from this crazy father we're forced to live with.) It kind of pisses him off even more, knowing that she left us here in hell while she gets to be freed from it all. You know, he secretly hopes he'll find her someday, just so she can see what she's done.

And now I stand here, alone.

He blames everyone for his pain (his mother, his father, his sister, even the Avatar) except for himself, because he has too much pride to admit that his talking out of turn in Dad's meeting was his fault, or that he never trained like Azula did, and that he could've tried to stop Mom from going away. (But, I was like…10, so it didn't seem like I could do much to stop her besides cry or something. And the crown prince of the Fire Nation does not cry. Ever.) His pride will never allow him to admit it, but he was (and still is) weak, too weak to do anything but sit back and watch as his world ate him up and spat him out like the tigerdillo he saw at a zoo once.

I wonder what Uncle would say if he could hear me now.

If Iroh could hear him for this one moment when he says goodbye to his home, vowing to return with the head of the Avatar (I'm sure that'll make the old man love me.), what would he say? He figures it would be some deep, proverbial sentence that makes absoulutely no damn sense to anyone but Uncle. 'Prince Zuko, you must let go of your pride, for when you fall down the hole it leaves, you may not be able to climb back out.'

I can't even understand Uncle when I act like him.

Yet that was his uncle; misunderstood, just like me. He has no son, no heir to his (rightfully so) throne; while he has no father, no male to guide him and show him the way to become a man. (One that can be respected. One that I could respect.) He speaks in cryptic tones that make Zuko's head hurt from thinking about it too much, trying to understand some hidden message that isn't always there.

But he did understand something; that he's falling far from where he needs to be. Falling from his father's grace, his mother's love, his hope for his sister. The ground beneath him is unwelcome and painful and full of hatred (just like my house) that may take many years to shed. No flying old men can save him from the black hole in which he is falling. He knows that; he completely understands.

Uncle, I'm falling inside the black. And I like it.

Yola, it's Reiji. What did you think?

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