Author's Note: Recently, I began the "Pimp my Profile" movement to improve what I have posted on this site, revisit what I had written quite some time ago, and see what I should take down completely. I found that while I wanted to take down these crack fics, at the same time I didn't want them to die. Thus, I decided to re-upload them as a single story, and to fix the punctuation/grammar mistakes I made as a wee-little high school freshman. After the release of HP7, some of them have become AU; I debated making them fit into the cannon, but decided against it. This is what I wrote at that point in my life, and that is how it will stay...you know, except for the punctuation that makes me cringe when I think about it. These are the crack stories that focus around Voldemort.

August 8, 2006

The Boy Who Just Wouldn't Die

"Your aim seems to have gotten worse, Moldy Shorts. How do you expect to kill me if you can't even hit me?" Harry Potter mocked me from afar, too scared to come nearer I was quite sure.

"I don't need good aim to kill you, Potter! You're so slow, a turtle passed you while you were running away from me!" I shouted at him in rage.

"Well, yo mama so fat she…uhh…I can't remember the joke…can we just skip to the part where you keep trying to kill me and then I somehow get luckier than beyond belief and escape?" the boy asked. I could see he was trying to cover up the horrible "yo mama" incident.

"Fine, Potter," I said, being the kind person that I was. "Should I give you a head start?"

"Yeah, that would be great!" exclaimed Potter.

"Too bad!" I shouted and I sent a curse flying at him. Unfortunately, it missed, but that does not mean that I have bad aim!

At that moment, Potter sent a curse flying at me, which I believe was a stunning spell, but I couldn't be sure, so I dodged. Right after I did so, another came flying at me from behind. How rude! I shielded myself against it before it could make contact, and looked up to see who it was that had sent it.

I saw Snape.

He was standing there, his wand just there in his hand, looking scary as he always does and said to me, "I apologize, my Lord, but I am defecting once and for all." He did not look sorry.

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" I demanded. Rage was coursing through me.

"I—" but before he could finish, he was stunned by one of the Order members that lay fallen among the rubble we had created in this battle. It seemed they had not heard him mention he was fighting with them.

Potter was starring at the fallen Snape, transfixed. He had a gleam in his eyes that clearly shouted: "Yes! He's dead/hurt!" I took my chance before he could snap out of it.

"Avada Kedavera!" I shouted, sending the spell flying at him.

He looked up just in time to see it hit him, and as I smirked in triumph, watching him fall to the ground, but then, I saw the curse I myself had sent flying back at me! Potter was slowing standing up, grinning.

"NO!" I shouted right before the curse made contact with my head. "And that is how I ended up here. It's all because of the boy who just wouldn't die."

"Yeah, that's great, but are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you murdered and tortured countless people, and that you desecrated your own soul?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure!"

"Well, in that case, welcome to Hell!"

The End