Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly... yet.

Fandom: Sam/Freddie

"...You never know what might happen if you don't..." The moment rings through my head again for the millionth time since it happened. Why did it happen?

Why didn't I just let him finished his sentence, instead of messing it up with my obnoxious interruptions? Why kiss him?

I mean I've had years of practice with the whole... bottling things up. Lame yeah, but if I'm being totally honest with myself, it is all I have ever done... keep things... inside of me. You don't let other's see your emotions, because they can use them against you. You only open up to those you can trust and there are only certain things you can tell.

But no, I kiss him.

And the moment after I knew I shouldn't of. The look on his face.

"Sorry..."

I apologized, though I wasn't sure what to do, I didn't want to know his reaction. I still wasn't sure if I was supposed to be sorry, the moments after where a blur, like the kiss... like my actions. But my mind became clear.

"It's Cool."

It's cool? I guess at first I was relieved. He's not upset... wait no. I quickly remind myself. He's a nice guy. ...One of the agonizing reasons I like him... love him? No, 'mood apps' exaggerate. Never would he make me feel bad about completely dropping out of my normal character, and letting down my heaviest guard by kissing him. He must know from liking Carly. Its one of those things.

He likes Carly. He's loved Carly forever. Why... why...did I kiss him?

I needed no more conversation after that verbal exchange. I avoided eye contact and walked off heading to the school's parking lot. In the back of my mind hoping for his voice to stop me. No...

I couldn't stick with the lock-in until morning. Not after that. I headed home– my home that is– I wasn't in the mood to sit in the Shay apartment alone in the middle of the night. I headed for my room and lay on my bed until morning, unable to fall asleep, and not enough energy to do anything else. My thoughts go over and over the event of the night. The events of the past week. I realize that it wasn't just the one night I let down my guard. It had been happening rapidly as my time with Freddie and Brad increased.

Brad. I unconsciously used him. Used him as a scape-dog to be there with Freddie. Freddie without Carly, which is such a different thing. I should have been more careful. If I was, than it wouldn't have led Carly and Freddie into being suspicious in the first place.

I am still in bed. Maybe I'll just live here, on my bed. Than I can never embarrass myself again. I can avoid telling the boy I developed feelings for that I practically love him... mid-sentence of course. I can let myself get over Freddie. Than look back and pick out the flaws.

...Or maybe I'll get off my lazy butt and confront it. My feelings. His reaction. There isn't any possible situation worse than one I've already imagined. Or maybe it 'never happened' …?

I. Wish.

End of Chapter One.