This is my second attempt at writing a fanfic. The idea was stuck in my head for a while, but I had troubles putting it into words…

There isn't really anything you need to know, other than there are some spoilers for 5x18.

I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, English isn't my native language.

I hope you'll like the story and would love to hear what you think….

When he saw Bobby S's picture on their white board, under the headline of suspects, he felt like someone punched him in the gut. He felt like he couldn't breathe, bracing himself for the next blow. He grabbed the back of the chair that was closest to him and whispered "Bobby?"

Castle and Esposito who were standing on the side of the white board, turned to look at him with confused looks.

"You said something Ryan?" Esposito asked, both of the men coming to stand closer to him.

Ryan looked at him with a puzzled look, he seemed to only now realize they were there with him.

"Are we thinking he did it?" he asked innocently, tearing his eyes from Bobby S's picture to look at Esposito.

"Yes" was the answer he received. But it was Esposito's soft voice that let him know he's on to him. Esposito had a tendency of knowing all his tells. He knew when Ryan was upset and tried to cover it. He knew when Ryan needed a break from paperwork and took him to get coffee from the vendor outside the precinct instead of the break room. He knew when Ryan was on the verge of a breakthrough, when he was right about to figure out the bigger picture. He knew when Ryan needed a laugh to get his mind of things or when he needed space instead. He knew when Ryan's sisters called, by the tone of his voice when he answered the phone. He knew when Ryan didn't sleep well, just by the way that his tie was a bit crocked, but not too much so somebody else might notice. Ryan wondered if Esposito was aware that he knew all those things about Espo too.

Suddenly he felt himself being grabbed by the elbow and pulled into the break room.

"What's up bro?" Esposito's voice managed to break through his haze.

"I… I don't know what you're talking about" he said, knowing full well that he's not convincing Esposito at all.

"Bro" Esposito said, again with that soft voice, that made Ryan look at him, really look at him and wonder if that tone was for his ears only. Ryan sat on the edge of the couch behind him, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Esposito reached for a chair and sat across from him. "You know him, don't you?".

Ryan's only response was a slight nod.

Esposito put his hand on Ryan's shoulder "You know you can tell me anything Kev, right?"

Esposito's voice was so tender, that Ryan couldn't help himself and looked up, he looked at Espo, with watering eyes "I… I've been hiding for so long, I don't even know how to not do this anymore".

"Kevin, what are you talking about?" Esposito pulled his hand from Ryan's shoulder and rested it on his partner's knee.

Ryan looked at him for a while and then stood up abruptly "I can't… I… I got to go" and he left the room, heading straight for the elevator, before Esposito could have done anything.

When he came out of the room, both Becket and Castle stood up from their chairs "What's going on Espo?" it was Becket.

He looked at her and shook his head "I have no idea".

Ryan didn't come back for the rest of the afternoon. By 8 pm that night Esposito had enough. He got out of his apartment and made his way towards Ryan's place. He knocked on the door and waited patiently for his partner to open it. Ryan opened the door, wearing sweatpants and a plain white T-shirt and holding beer in his hand. He moved to the side, without a word, letting Esposito in. Espo made his way to the couch and sat down. On the coffee table in front of him were two empty bottles of beer and a pizza. He grabbed a slice and accepted the cold beer Ryan handed him.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both staring at the football game that was on, until Javi lost his patience.

"You want to tell me what happened today?" he turned to look at his partner.

Kevin didn't answer, just bowed his head down "I don't even know where to start" he said quietly.

"From the beginning" Javi answered simply. He didn't look or turned away, but kept a firm gaze on Kevin.

After a minute of silence Kevin turned to look at him "maybe we should get Castle and Becket, I don't think I can go through this twice" his voice was soft, a bit apprehensive and Javier thought that maybe all the scenarios he ran through in his head weren't even close to the real story… "Can you wait?" Kevin's look was like a scared innocence little boy, Javier has never seen before and he couldn't find the strength to tell him no. they resumed watching the game and Javier found himself collapsing for the night on Kevin's couch.

The next morning the four of them were sitting around a table in one of the conferences rooms, each holding a cup of coffee in their hand. Becket and Esposito were sitting next to each other, while Castle sat across from Becket and Ryan sat at the head of the table, closest to Esposito.

"So, what do you need to talk to us about Ryan?" Becket cut to the chase.

Ryan took a deep breath "I know Bobby S" he looked at all of them.

"Know him?" It was Castle "Know him as in 'I arrested him once' or know him as 'he's my friend'?" they all looked at him expectantly.

"He used to be a friend" it was said with bitterness and Esposito felt his heart ache. What was his partner talking about, how could he be a friend of such a horrible person and what did he mean by "used to", what happened between the two of them? There were so many thoughts running through his head that he had to make himself listen to Ryan.

"How did you even become a friend of a person like that?" it was Becket this time and Esposito thought for a moment that maybe he voiced his thoughts out loud and didn't notice, but Ryan was focused on his coffee and not looking hurt or criticizing at him, so he figured Becket just knew his partner well enough for this to be her first question.

Ryan sighed and looked up at them "It's a long story and… I have no idea how to even begin to tell you".

Javier put his hand on Ryan's left one that rested on the table "Start from the beginning Kev" he said softly, recognizing his friend's nervousness.

Ryan had to take a deep breath. Espo's touch made him feel stronger, safer. The warmness in his eyes told him everything he needed to hear at that moment, that he wasn't alone in this, that he can trust him, that he will always be there no matter what he might say. Ryan wandered if Espo always looked at him like that or was it only this time. He shook his head, turned his hand in Esposito's and squeezed it, before leaning back in his chair and pulling his hand back to rest both his hands on his thighs.

"My real name isn't actually Kevin Ryan"