The Witchfinder – Confessions
Merlin paced the stone floor outside of Prince Arthur's chambers. The interrogation had made him question his decision to keep his secret from Arthur. These thoughts disturbed his peace, well the little peace he gets when he sleeps.
Merlin was shaken by the witch finder. Sure he tried to act cool but he struggled to keep all that lay beneath the surface, hidden. He had wanted to tell Arthur for a while but he was scared of how he would react. He was Uther's son after all.
No! He was nothing like Uther. Merlin had seen Arthur defend those with magic before. He knew Arthur was more open minded. He knew Arthur, unlike Uther, didn't see magic and see evil. He knew Arthur.
Yes, it was the right thing to do. He reached out for the door handle but froze. Arthur would be loyal to Uther. Surely he would turn Merlin in. He had been taught magic was evil. The fact that Merlin had kept it from him might convince him that Merlin was guilty.
Merlin wavered then retracted his hand. He turned to leave but couldn't. He turned back to face the door and drooped his head. He hated this. He hadn't asked for magic. He was born this way. He was made to make such decisions for something beyond his control.
He would tell Arthur. Surely Arthur would understand why he had to keep it a secret. Arthur would accept Merlin for who he was. They were friends. Arthur trusted Merlin.
If he told him the truth then Arthur might lose his trust for Merlin. It might ruin their friendship. The thought of this made his heart ache. He began to pace again.
Merlin never thought he would come to liking Arthur. He dreaded his first day of work as Merlin, Prince Arthur's manservant. Yet he found himself enjoying it. Not the chores so much but the time spent with Arthur.
The boundary of servant and prince soon faded the closer they became. They had risked their lives to save each other. Arthur sometimes liked to remind Merlin of the reality of their positions. It was like he was scared to get close to anyone.
They were friends. Everyone could see close they were. Merlin knew he had to tell Arthur. Even if it would hurt their relationship, tarnish Arthur's trust, he had to tell him. If he was found guilty, Arthur would find out. He thought this betrayal would surely hurt more.
Merlin didn't want to hurt Arthur. If they were truly friends Arthur would understand. Even if he didn't understand it was still best coming from Merlin. Arthur may hate him, but he would learn to understand. Arthur was a good person. He may feel lied to but he would know why Merlin had to keep it from him. And if he didn't then Arthur wasn't the person Merlin believed him to be.
Merlin stopped pacing and turned to face the door. With a deep breath he reached out his for the door. Before he touched the handle the door swung open, Arthur staring at him, hand on hip.
'Merlin! What are you doing?' Arthur asked slightly annoyed. Merlin just smiled. He didn't mean to smile but his face just broke at the sight of Arthur pouting. He didn't know why, well he did but he had buried these thoughts, Arthur always made him smile.
'Merlin,' he droned. 'Stop beaming, you look like a buffoon.' Arthur grabbed Merlin by the wrist, dragging him inside and closing the door behind them. Merlin's smile melted as Arthur stared at him, still holding his wrist. Merlin looked down at the strong hand gripping his thin wrist. When Arthur noticed where his gaze was he let his arm fall down by his side.
Arthur was about to speak when a scream erupted the silence between them. They ran over to the window to see another person be dragged off for interrogation.
'That bloody witch hunter!' Arthur fumed. 'Surely my father can see he is just upsetting the people. These people are all innocent.' Merlin just nodded. 'How are you?'
'What?' Merlin shocked at Arthur asking how he was, like he cared. Once the shock wore off, Merlin felt warm and felt his lip quivering, wanting to smile.
'You were interrogated too. That's what you came here to talk about, isn't it?'
Well, yes. Sort of,' smiled Merlin. 'Since when do I come just for a chat?'
'Well we are friends, Mer-lin, although I don't know why.'
'Friends?' Merlin's smile stretched further at the word. Arthur did consider him a friend.
'Oh, shut up Merlin,' Arthur said leaning against the wall. 'So, what did you come here for?' Merlin wanted to tell him. He just wanted this moment to last longer.
'I need to tell you something.' Arthur nodded urging him to continue. 'I, well... I.'
'Merlin, tell me,' Arthur said his voice more serious now but tinted with concern. Arthur sat on a chair and looked to Merlin.
'Okay. Let me tell you the whole story before you interrupt.' Merlin raised his eyebrows looking for Arthur's agreement.
'Yes, yes. Go on.'
'The thing is, I have a confession. I've wanted to tell you for a while but I couldn't. Just because I'm like this doesn't make me any different. I'm still me, just Merlin. I didn't ask for this but I've got it and I do the best I can with it. I tried not to. I hated myself for years because of it but well why should I? Why shouldn't I use it? I only use it for good. I have saved you countless times and...' Merlin stammered letting his confession race off his tongue.
'Merlin, slow down! What are you on about?'
'Just don't hate me.'
'Merlin. Look at me. I don't hate you. You annoy me a lot. And you really are a terrible servant but hate you? Never.'
Merlin raised his arm, his hand open. Arthur followed his movement, confused. Merlin's eyes glossed over, tears fighting to fall but he had to do this. How else could he explain? His eyes turned golden as he waved his arm ever so slightly causing a bunch of paper to blow off the table, the other side of the chambers.
Arthur's mouth fell open, his eyes on Merlin. His forehead creased in a frown. Silence never seemed so loud.
'Arthur? Say something,' said Merlin almost pleading.
'What am I supposed to say Merlin?' Arthur's tone was mixed. It was a confusion of betrayed, hurt and angry. 'What do you want me to say? That everything will be okay. That it's no big deal. It's a big deal, Merlin. And I can't say it will be okay.'
'What do you want me to do? I never asked for this. What would you do?'
'I wouldn't have come to Camelot. Why would you come here?'
'My mother sent me, to learn to control my... my gift. My curse.'
'You shouldn't have come'
'Are you saying you never wanted me to come here?'
'Yes!'
'Right, so you wish you never met me?' Arthur stood from his chair so quickly he knocked it to the floor. He pushed Merlin against the wall, holding him by the shirt.
'Don't make it about that. It's not about that. It's that you betrayed me. You lied to me. Magic is forbidden in Camelot. Forbidden by my father, the king. I'm his son. And heir. You're asking me to betray my father.'
'I never asked that. The most I'd ask for is you to understand.'
'Understand? How can I understand? Maybe at first when we were only servant and master but from that point I can't. Don't you trust me? Am I nothing more than a master to you?' Arthur shouted forgetting to hush his tone. He was spitting in Merlin's face, not intentionally but because of the closeness of their faces.
'You're Uther's son. Like you said, he forbade magic. He hates my kind. He brought you up on these believes.' Arthur released his grip allowing Merlin's feet to touch the floor. Merlin let out a deep breath. Arthur turned away from Merlin but was still close enough that Merlin felt entrapped his hand on his face. He turned again to face Merlin, who looked away. Arthur put his hand on the wall next to Merlin's face, demanding his attention.
'After all this time you've known me and you think I'm like that. You think I'd discriminate you purely on the fact you have magic. When have I ever did that?'
'Well, I don't know. Maybe that time in my village when I ...'
'That was you? Well of course it was. How stupid of me. So when else do you use it?'
'Only when I have to you. To save you .'
'Save me?'
'Yes. Many times. God know how many times.'
'Who else knows?'
'Besides God.'
'This isn't funny Merlin. Don't try and turn this into a joke.' Arthur wanted nothing more than for this to be turned into a joke. He hated this tension between them. It felt like they were on opposite sides of the room. When in fact they were face to face. If Arthur moved their noses would be touching. Now aware of this Arthur felt his face flush. Merlin looked down silent. 'Who knows?'
'Gaius, my mother. Will. Will knew. And Lancelot.' Arthur nodded at all these, except the last.
'You told Lancelot. You barely knew him yet you trusted him. Why don't you trust me?'
'I never told him, he saw. I do trust you.'
'So, why didn't you tell me?'
'I was scared. Scared of what you'd think. Scared of how you'd react.'
'And you had reason to be,' Arthur sighed. 'So, why tell me now?'
'It was time. Also if I get caught and you would have found out that way, you would feel more betrayed. I don't want things to end badly between us.' Merlin licked his lips and looked into Arthur's blue eyes.
Arthur followed Merlin's movement with his eyes and then letting them return to Merlin's who was looking right at him. Arthur felt a tingle inside but he tried to push these feelings away.
'I didn't know you cared Merlin,' Arthur said, his tone softened now, more gentle. 'Thank you.'
'What about you?' Merlin asked still holding eye contact. Arthur let his hand fall to his side, stepping back and putting space between them. The space felt cold and empty. Merlin longed for that warmth, stepping slightly forward.
'What about me?' Arthur asked knowing full well what Merlin meant.
'Do you care?' Merlin stepped forward again, shrinking space between them.
'Of course I do, you numpty.'
'Why do you do that?' Merlin said sounding hurt. He knew Arthur cared but he wanted Arthur to say it. He wanted him to say it like he did care.
'What?' Arthur asked almost smiling.
'That! Just ignore any feel... never mind.' Merlin walked forward moving past Arthur.
'Oh Merlin, don't be such a woman.' Arthur turned and grabbed Merlin by the wrist and turned him towards him. With his other hand he held Merlin's neck pulling him in closer and erasing all space between them. Arthur brought their lips crashing together for a rough kiss, his hand still on the back of Merlin's neck.
They pulled away, their bodies still pushed together. Arthur's hands still on Merlin possessively. Their noses were touching and their eyes were locked.
'I do care,' Arthur whispered. Their lips met again, softer and slower. They were savouring each other like it was the last time. Arthur's hand moved into Merlin's hair, his other on his back, holding him to himself. Merlin held Arthur's arms and then his hips and then his backs wanting to feel all of him.
They allowed their hands to explore, holding onto the other scared in case the other pulled back. They had both wanted this for so long but any time they came close they let the master-servant boundary come between them. Not now. Nothing was between them except for friendship and feelings. And longing. There was plenty of longing.
Now when they had come together, they could only think of why they had denied themselves this before. They couldn't think of any reason worthy to keep them apart. No thoughts of status or the fact that they were both men entered their heads.
They pulled away for a second, smiling at each other and then coming together again. They kissed now deeper, nothing on their minds, just their hearts. Arthur slowed as if to pull away, alarming Merlin. Arthur bit down gently on Merlin's lower lip sending shocks through Merlin. Arthur held Merlin's face and kissed it. He moved his hands to remove Merlin's scarf, flinging it on the floor. He let his kisses move down to Merlin's neck. He gently placed them all over Merlin's neck as if marking his territory. Moving down slightly he traced Merlin's collarbones with his tongue.
Merlin cupped Arthur's face, bringing it up and kissing him. Arthur moved his hands to Merlin's hips and began to move him back until they hit the bed. They allowed themselves to fall back on the bed. Arthur pushed Merlin up and then pulled himself on top of him. They kissed again, their hands explored further, holding onto each other.
Gently they allowed their lips to part. They didn't say anything, just looked at each other. Arthur stared into Merlin's eyes allowing him to appreciate their beauty. Merlin blinked willing him to go on. Arthur pushed himself up. Getting off the bed, he began to take off Merlin's shoes. Merlin sat up to stop him but Arthur pushed him back.
'Let me do it Merlin,' Arthur said. Merlin did as he was told and lay back, allowing the prince to remove his shoes then his own. He didn't think he was capable. Merlin smiled at the thought and then focused on Arthur. Arthur climbed back on the bed. Merlin sat up to greet him with a kiss and moving his hands and tugging at Arthur's shirt, pulling it off over his head. He looked over Arthur's chest; something he'd seen many times before but never truly looked at without the fear Arthur would catch him staring.
Arthur watched Merlin look at him and smiled. Now it was his turn. Arthur grabbed at Merlin's shirt and pulled it off in one clean stroke. Arthur stroked Merlin, like if he was too rough he may break. He laid a kiss on him and then looked up into Merlin's eyes. He repeated this action as Merlin sighed rushing his fingers through Arthur's hair.
Merlin began to get restless as Arthur teased him with sweet kisses. Merlin tugged at Arthur pulling him up to face him. Merlin kissed him as rough as the first, silently telling him what he wanted. Arthur continued to kiss Merlin, working his way down and licking at the hip bones which showed above the line of the pants, producing a gasp from Merlin's throat.
Arthur fed off this, moving his hands possessively over Merlin. He gave more greedy kisses but wanted more. He wanted Merlin's gasps to feed the room. Arthur pulled off Merlin's pants and then kneeled to remove his own. He had wanted Merlin for so long. He didn't know what attracted him the most but he was utterly enchanted. He lay down on Merlin, putting his weight on his elbows.
Arthur looked into Merlin's eyes and felt a complete warmth flood him. Did this happen every time he looked at Merlin? Usually it was just tingles and the want to touch but this was stronger than anything before.
'I love you,' Arthur whispered. Merlin just looked back at him, not saying anything or giving anything away. 'Merlin, I love you,' Arthur said raising his voice.'
'I heard you. I was just trying to make the moment last longer,' Merlin replied.
'Well?'
'I love you, Arthur Pendragon.' With these words, these beautiful simple words, they knew there was no going back. Perhaps they'd always known but this time they accepted it completely, not wanting anything else. Arthur wanted to make Merlin his. He was quite possessive in his touches.
'I want you Mer-lin. I need you to be mine.'
'I am yours. I always have been.'
Arthur took these words in and stored them in his heart. Arthur looked at Merlin who nodded in agreement and let Arthur open him with one finger at first. Merlin gasped tightening around Arthur's fingers. Arthur didn't move allowing Merlin to relax around him. As Merlin's gasps turned to sighs Arthur added another finger slowly feeling the inside him. Merlin's gasps made Arthur throb, he wanted him now. He wanted nothing more than to take him right that second but the last thing he wanted was to hurt Merlin.
He slowly prepared him, opening up to his fingers until Merlin nodded making sighing noises of approval for Arthur to go further. Arthur lets his fingers go in further adding more pressure. The feeling of wanting to take Merlin was over coming him.
'Please, Arthur. Just do it already,' Merlin moaned. Arthur removed his fingers slowly and looked to Merlin again who only groaned. Arthur took this as a go ahead and gently entered Merlin. He slowly poured himself inside not wanting to fill him to quickly, scared to hurt him. Arthur continued in treating Merlin like the most precious, most fragile thing he had ever held. Merlin's groans grew louder and his hands shot to Arthur pulling him in completely. Merlin gasped at the warmth of Arthur inside him. He never thought this would happen. He would only allow himself to think of such things in the night, deep into the night.
As Merlin adjusted to Arthur, the two of them one now, Arthur began to rock his hips. Gentle at first as the two gasped, the more they rocked together the more they wanted. Arthur began to move his hips swiftly, growing rougher and rougher. He gripped Merlin's organ, which hardened further in his hand. He wanted them to share the moment soon to come.
Their movements became deeper, more passionate, wanting the moment to last forever but longed for the moment of euphoria. Merlin's groans produced heavy gasps from Arthur. Everything seemed faster now, a blare of excitement and passion. They held onto each other, holding onto the moment but like all good things, they came to an end.
Merlin's eyes flashed gold, a true magical moment. Arthur breathed deep, allowing himself to lie on Merlin. They lay there for a few minutes in complete silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, or filled with tension but something special and warm between them.
Arthur rolled off Merlin and lay at his side. They stared upwards still reflecting in all that had happened. Arthur turned his head and stared at Merlin until Merlin returned the look. It was a look of true love. They were destined to be together always, two sides of the same coin. They wouldn't be able to be like this, well maybe in secret but they would always be together.
'For someone with magic Merlin, you are a rather terrible servant,' Arthur said.
'Did I not serve you well then?' Merlin asked raising his eyebrows.
'Oh, yes. Truly your best work.'
'So all the times I've saved your life, gladly offered my own and that was your favourite?'
'Yes. That's the most I've ever felt alive.' Arthur laughed at that, surprised at how cheesy he could be. 'You should never offer your life for mine. You're far too valuable.'
'I think Camelot would beg to differ.'
'I don't care. And I can change that.'
'How?'
'You are mine. When we tell...'
'How are we going to tell? We will never be accepted. Your father would have me burned if he ever knew.'
'No! I wouldn't allow it. I love you.'
'He is the king. There isn't much you could do.'
'I would stand on the stake with you. Let him burn his son and heir. I will be the king one day. Then, I will be able to change things.'
'Yes you will be king. As king you will need an heir which I can't give you.'
'Then maybe I won't be king.'
'Camelot needs you.'
'I need you.' Arthur's eyes began to fill with tears. 'I need you,' he repeated allowing the tears to fall down his face.
'You'll always have me. I'm not going anywhere,' Merlin tried to soothe Arthur, wiping away his tears. He was scared himself. He wanted to be able to love Arthur openly, yet he knew such a time wouldn't come.
'Always.' Arthur kissed Merlin soft and full on the mouth. 'Always.' He lay his head down again on the bed pulling Merlin into his arms, never wanting to let go. 'I always knew there was magic between us.' The pair laughed and held each other.
'I love you, you prat,' Merlin whispered.
'Oh, Merlin. I love you,' Arthur sighed.
Arthur walked into his chambers and let his tears spill, not knowing that anyone was there. Merlin walked out from the other side of the room where he was folding clothes.
'Arthur? What's wrong?' Merlin said, his tone showing his concern.
'Merlin, I didn't know you was here sorry,' Arthur mumbled wiping at his face trying to hide the tears, trying to hide that he had gave in to the weakness of tears.
'Oh, Arthur, you don't have to be sorry. It's me, you can cry if you want. Just tell me why.'
'I just... never mind. It doesn't matter.' Arthur removed his jacket and threw it on the table. He pulled out a chair and sat in it. He looked at the things on the table as if forgetting why he had sat there. He looked lost and frustrated with himself. Merlin walked over to him; standing behind him he put his arms around him. Arthur flinched at first in protest but calmed into the warmth of Merlin's arms which he loved so much. 'Merlin, please.'
'Tell me.' Merlin removed his arms to move in front of Arthur and look him in the eyes. Arthur could see he was only concerned, he just cared. It's not that he didn't care, he cared more than anything. He just didn't want to hurt Merlin. He didn't want Merlin to know what thoughts haunted his mind recently. 'Arthur?'
'Merlin, just leave it,' Arthur said his tone harsh as he pushed the chair back and stood up. Merlin flinched at these words. He knew he shouldn't let them hurt him so much but they stung his heart.
'Okay. If that is what you want. I'll just leave. I can do that later,' he said gesturing to clothes on the other side of the princes chambers. He turned around and made his way for the door.
'Merlin, please don't leave. I'm sorry; I didn't mean it to come out so horrible. I hurt you and that's just what I'm trying not to do.' Arthur walked to his bed and laid on it fully clothed. Merlin stood at the door still just looking at him. 'Merlin, come here,' Arthur said lifting his head. Merlin walked over and sat on the edge of his bed. Arthur sat up and put his arms around Merlin's waist pulling him onto the bed properly. Merlin gave in and lay at his side.
'So, are you going to tell me?' Merlin said his voice gentle, seeming still hurt.
'I love you,' Arthur said looking at him. Not to skirt around the subject but because of the overwhelming love that filled him when he looked at Merlin. Merlin didn't reply just looked at him and raised his eyebrows not letting Arthur change the subject. Merlin knew if he replied, Arthur would distract him until he forgot all about it. 'Fine. It's just being with my dad. Knowing what he is like and knowing how I can never have what I want. How I am expected to live out the life he has planned for me. I just hate it all. It hurts me so much and I just can't keep it in.'
'You knew it would be like this. You know what he is like.'
'Yes, I know. I never knew it would hurt so much. I never knew I would hate everything else that I did. Everything that wasn't with you. I love Camelot and my father I truly do, you know that. I just... it doesn't seem important. I would give it up to be with you. And I know I can't do that. You wouldn't let me for one, never mind what my father will do. I just want to do what I want.'
'Arthur...'
'I know, I know what you're going to say and I understand it all but well it doesn't have to hurt so much. I can't live with this hurt for the rest of my life. It renders me a weak man. I need to be strong for Camelot. The deserve a strong leader,' Arthur sighed. 'My father was speaking of me getting married and I just didn't want to talk about it. I don't want to live with this pain. I don't want to marry someone I don't love. Not when I love you.'
'What would you like me to do? Magic it all away. Stop you loving me. Erase everything that happened between us. Make you forget until you can do something about it,' Merlin said. He said it jokingly, well he thought he did but well maybe he could but the thought of actually doing it killed him. It hurts enough dealing with it, but it is bearable with Arthur. Without Arthur, he didn't think he could.
'Can you do that? Make it go away until we can do something about. Make us forget.'
'I could make you forget. I could make it so it never happened.'
'You wouldn't forget it?'
'No. I don't think it quite works that way. Even if I could I'm not sure I would. I would do it, will do it for you. If that is what you want.' Merlin felt his eyes sting. He wouldn't allow himself to cry even though he felt like crying his heart out.
'I don't know. Me not knowing, going back on the best thing that has ever happened to me because it hurts me more than anything else. I don't want you to live alone with that hurt.'
'Arthur, I would do anything to stop you from hurting.' Merlin really didn't want to do this. He knew it would have to come to this.
'No. No, it's okay. I shouldn't even think of such things. I'm sorry.' Arthur wanted the hurt to go away but he didn't want the love to go away. He knew it would never truly go away but without knowing he would once again be in that place. That place where he wouldn't allow himself to think of Merlin except for sometimes in weakness in the dead of night. No, it was best this way.
'Okay,' Merlin smiled weakly and leaned over to kiss Arthur. Arthur pulled him in by his hips and kissed him strongly. They pulled away softly gazing into each other's eyes. 'I love you.'
'I love you,' Arthur said kissing Merlin's lips.
'I have to go help Gaius. I'll see you later on.' Merlin began to pull away. Arthur sat up and kissed him before letting him stand to leave.
'Okay. Leave now before I change my mind.' Merlin walked to the door and turned to look at Arthur resting his head on his hand, leaning on the pillows. Arthur mouthed a kiss at Merlin who caught it with his hand. Merlin opened his hand again and enchanted the words of his people erasing all memories of Merlin's confession and their time spent from Arthur's mind. When finishing the spell, Merlin shut the door and walked down the corridor.
His pace hastened as he walked to the physicians quarters. He walked past everyone ignoring his friends like Gwen unable to deal with interaction. He rushed in past Gaius, blocking out any shouts that came from him and went to his room. He shut the door and climbed onto him bed. Curling into a ball he allowed all his hurt to flood out of him. The tears fell into the pillow and Merlin held himself trying to comfort himself. He would never be able to comfort himself the way Arthur could but at least Arthur wouldn't be hurt anymore. That's all that counts.