Title: Through the Looking Glass
Rating: PG-13 (for twincest/incest and implied lemon/lime)
Genre: Romance/Drama
Fandom: Ouran KouKou (High School) Host Club
Summary: They'd only ever had each other. After all, what more did they need? Oneshot.
Author's notes: When I first wrote this, I had a plan in my head for how it was going to end, but when I got about halfway through, I changed it quite a bit. I wanted it to be longer than it actually turned out to be, but I'm satisfied. You can take the ending as freely as you want to – it's up to you to decide whether they have a happy ending or fall apart. And I'm hoping I didn't make them too out of character (which I really tried to avoid), so tell me if I did. Please enjoy, and take a moment or so to review if you can!
xXx
Kaoru could feel his hand shaking, trembling, as he reached out for his twin, their hands connecting, meshing together as though they were pieces of a puzzle; they fit together perfectly. No, they couldn't even be compared to mere puzzle pieces – their hands joined together far better than even those. And it never failed that, even these days, after they should have grown too accustomed to one another's touch, Kaoru's mind still reeled, his body still shivered, when his pale skin melded with his brother's.
After all, though their act was just comprised of a mild flurry of romantic passion, of touching, hands exploring each others' bodies experiencedly, what they did when they were alone, holding hands, pressing their foreheads together without speaking, without saying a word, because words couldn't say anything what their actions didn't already explain, meant much more. What they did in the club would last only in the minds of the fans, and only for mere minutes; what they did with just themselves, in the security of their own home, made memories that would last both of their entire lifetimes.
And that very thought is what scared Kaoru the most.
Their 'brotherly love' act wasn't real, and he knew it; it was entirely fake, and he didn't have a problem with the way such things were. But the way his brother lovingly caressed his face when they were alone, whispering delicately in his ear that everything would turn out alright, was real. And those feelings bubbling up in his chest, pressing threateningly against his mind, allowing little room for the resistance he knew he needed most of all, frightened him to no end. But he just couldn't stop, because by then, he needed his brother's touch just to get through the day.
It was becoming like an addiction.
And he knew it was wrong, knew that the way he felt would disgust most people; he knew, but he just couldn't stop. It could be seen as narcissism, he knew, but that wasn't the way it felt to him. He knew that, as twins, they looked nearly exactly the same, but there was a special air to his brother that he himself didn't have; but it couldn't be seen by just anybody, because Kaoru was different, and he saw in his brother what no one else could.
"Kaoru? Is something wrong?" he could hear his brother say. He knew he had been lost in thought, that his brother's eyes were on him the entire time and he hadn't noticed. And there Hikaru was, giving him that look of pure concern that made it nearly impossible for him to flash an 'it's fine' smile because he was too busy concentrating on not running into his twin's arms and telling him everything. His upper lip twitched into something of a twisted smile, and Hikaru smiled back in understanding: there was something on Kaoru's mind that he just didn't want to talk about it. And, Kaoru thought, the best thing about Hikaru was, when Kaoru didn't want to tell him something, he didn't press the issue. He just let it go, because he knew that when it really needed to be brought up, Kaoru would tell him. And, it never failed, Kaoru always told him.
Hikaru gave Kaoru an affirming nod that spoke for itself, telling him that he could tell him whenever the need should arise. "It's getting late; we should go to bed," he said, the line he always said, regardless of the time, whenever Kaoru was withholding something from him and didn't seem to want to talk anymore. And Kaoru's mind always started racing when he said this, his head filling with contradictory thoughts; they would be sleeping together, bodies against each other, and he would feel the heat from his brother's naked chest against his own. It was contenting, but the other thought pushed against his mind with the same ferocity, perhaps even more; they were twins – teenage twins, identical twins – and they shouldn't be sleeping that way – half-naked, in the same bed – anymore. It was wrong.
But he just smiled, as he did every day, as was the routine, and said "alright."
xXx
Hikaru woke the next morning to sun pleasantly shining on his face, gently prodding him awake. His eyes flickered, and it took him the odd moment as his brain processed that his body needed to be awake before he realized that the usual presence against him was missing.
"Kaoru?" he questioned, trying not to sound panicky. It felt cold in bed without his twin, even with the crisp white bed sheets twisted around his frame, up to his neck; whenever Kaoru was away it always felt as though he was losing half of himself.
The other boy made his presence known as he appeared in the doorway just moments later, a robe loosely draped and tied around him serving as the only thing covering his thin frame. The arm of the robe was precariously tilted just over his shoulder that it revealed only a hint of the pale skin beneath, and the water tangled in his hair flowed down his face and chest, disappearing just within the folds of the aforementioned article of clothing. Hikaru had to fight back the urge to continue staring – which he knew he was doing – and shook his head inwardly, hoping by doing so he would ward off any other thoughts that may threaten the closeness with his brother that he'd always known and been fond of. This was his twin he was thinking about, his twin whose water-drenched body he was eying with a hint less distaste than he should have been.
"What?" Kaoru said impatiently, trying to displace the thought that perhaps his brother had been looking at him – staring at him – just moments before, because he knew such thoughts were unacceptable and therefore, Hikaru couldn't possibly be thinking them.
As Kaoru spoke, Hikaru found himself pulled out of whatever trance he'd been lulled into, and he was now alert to the fact that Kaoru had probably noticed that he was practically fawning over him. "Nothing," he said, still not entirely oblivious to the fact that Kaoru now had his hands on his hips and an adorable pout settled on his lips, "just wondering where you were, that's all."
"Yes, well, you were still asleep when I woke up, and I thought I'd better take a shower before school starts," Kaoru said matter-of-factly. "Does that answer your question?"
"Yes." And as Hikaru spoke, he couldn't help but notice the way Kaoru's wet hair flipped when he turned to leave the room; checking the clock, Hikaru came face-to-face with the reality that it was still very early in the morning.
It was going to be a very long day.
xXx
The day did in fact drag by at an unbelievably slow speed, resulting in wandering eyes on Hikaru's behalf; as the hands of the clock seemed to stop moving, and all other voices in the room sounded like low buzzing noises that eventually were toned out by the older twin altogether, and the faces of everybody blended together, blurring in his vision, Hikaru found himself thinking solely of the only person who stood out in his mind. It was driving him crazy, this feeling, because he found himself unable to place it with a name; he was sure it wasn't just love for his brother that forced his heart to beat so fast, and he'd never experienced such euphoria while simply looking at someone before. These feelings defied everything he'd ever known, because he had never been so clueless about something. It had always only been him and his brother, his twin, and it scared him that something he had always been so sure of he was more confused about than he'd ever been about anything.
Kaoru, however, being the more logical-thinking twin and the more rational of the two, had come to grips with those feelings he was having long before he'd even known who he was feeling them for. He had loved Hikaru as more than just his brother for a long time, but had stepped aside when Haruhi had come into the picture; Hikaru liked her, and Kaoru cared more for his brother's happiness than his own. He felt that, if he acted on his feelings, he would jeopardize the already thinning relationship they had together, so instead of showing his love and taking the risk that it wouldn't be returned, he held on tightly to the boundary between brotherly love and romantic love because he couldn't let Hikaru go. He knew he was being a bit selfish by hanging onto something that he had no right to keep, but he wasn't like his brother; he couldn't just walk away without looking back, because he knew that without Hikaru's guidance he would soon lose his way.
And he wanted nothing more than to tell his brother this, but he wasn't like Hikaru; he couldn't just smooth things over with words and pretend everything was okay when it really wasn't. It really wasn't okay, because these feelings he was having were wrong. He was thinking wrong thoughts about his twin brother, and if he acted on them he would just be doing something even more wrong.
Hikaru tensed as Kaoru's eyes found his own, but he looked back at him with that bored expression he always gave his brother when they were in class; it was like an inside joke that only they shared, because, in truth, even though it had no meaning, it really was something only they had together, and he cherished it. Just that simple connection between them was one of his favorite treasures. It was simple, but so were many of the other things in the world – their world – that they cared for. When they were fond of something, they made a special effort to keep it with them; when they loved something, they refused to let it go.
They'd bathed together until they were nine and had been told by their parents that it was wrong. There was that word again. Wrong. How could something that they loved so much be wrong? And even then, whenever one of them was in a bad mood – namely Kaoru, because he always seemed to have something on his mind, even though he was too proud to admit it upfront – they would take a shower together, not saying anything, because somehow, just being together made them feel better. And it didn't bother them that they were as close as they were, even for twins, because they liked it that way, they loved it, and so they wouldn't give it up for anybody.
So why did it feel so wrong, what they were doing, what they were thinking, just now? Why did it feel so different, so uncomfortable, all of a sudden?
Because, Kaoru would often muse, we're falling apart. It's only natural that, when two things separate, the rift between them creates tension. And Kaoru, being the more logical-thinking of the two, would probably have been correct in saying that once two things pulled apart, there was a very slim chance of them coming back together again.
The clock on the wall seemed to start moving again – albeit painfully slowly – when Hikaru finally managed to pry his eyes away from Kaoru's. His heart was pulsing painfully in his chest, a steady beat to the same rhythm pounding in his eardrums, as he tried to pull his thoughts together into something more reasonable. He'd only ever felt this way once before, with Haruhi, and only for a moment; and immediately after he'd felt horribly guilty for feeling such an incredible feeling for someone other than Kaoru.
Finally, as though answering his unspoken plea, the bell signifying the end of the school day rung, and Hikaru couldn't have thanked it enough for being just loud enough to shake him out of his stupor and boom above the audible heartbeat surging throughout his body. He looked to Kaoru for a moment, but had to turn away as an image from that morning presented itself to him – it was difficult thinking of Kaoru in that context, because it always left Hikaru feeling uncomfortable, something he felt very guilty for feeling when he thought about his brother. And so, to occupy his mind and dispel any such thoughts, he turned to Haruhi and talked to her all the way to the Host Club.
And, although Hikaru didn't notice, the wistful way Kaoru looked after him as he left should have been some indication that, secretly – though he was very adept at hiding them – he was feeling the very same feelings, though he had already placed a name to them.
Love.
xXx
"Hikaru, stop saying that! You know it embarrasses me when you speak of such personal things in front of other people…" Kaoru said, toning his voice to be as shy and pleading as possible; they were at the Host Club, performing their usual play, but somehow today's just didn't seemed to flow with the usual confident rhythm. They were being awkward around each other, something they'd never had to worry about before.
"I'm sorry, Kaoru; it was just, that cute face you just put on… I just couldn't resist teasing you, just a bit."
They were, for the first time in their lives, uncomfortable around one another.
Hikaru gripped at the cloth at the back of Kaoru's shirt, holding him close, but refused to look at him. He didn't want what he said in the Host Club to become his true thoughts, because he was beginning to think that would be what would happen. He needed his brother, but not that way. Not the wrong way. But he couldn't stand it because, looking in Kaoru's eyes, he saw that his brother was just as scared and confused as he was, and it hurt him that he couldn't help him; although Hikaru was only older by mere minutes, he'd always been the older twin. He'd taken responsibility for Kaoru's safety and happiness, because – since Kaoru never told him when something was wrong – he had to learn to read his brother's emotions and act on them to make him happy. Only, this time, he had no idea what was bothering him.
Kaoru tightened his hold around his brother's neck slightly, pulling his face into the soft folds of his shirt and breathing in a scent that smelled of cinnamon and apples. Just this once, he thought, I'll hold onto him while I still can, because he knew it wouldn't be much longer before their perfect world crumbled around them. Hikaru would move on, and Kaoru would be left with the pieces, struggling in vain to put them together again; he couldn't do it without Hikaru. He wasn't weak, but alone, without Hikaru, he felt like half of himself was missing. So he held tight to him, although it was all in good acting – though, to Kaoru, the act had been real for a long time – because just that one touch made him almost forget how much their carefully constructed world was breaking. Almost.
Just this once.
But when Kaoru tried to pull away, moments later, he found that Hikaru wouldn't let him go, and that made him smile, just a bit. It wasn't over yet.
Do you need me like I need you?
No, Hikaru didn't need him as much as he needed Hikaru, Kaoru knew, but it was still nice to know that Hikaru hadn't given up just yet. Kaoru knew in his heart that he would have to prepare for that moment when he let his brother go and he didn't come back, but he also knew that, when that time came, nothing would be able to fully prepare him for that final moment.
And the giggling voices of girls nearby and the batted breath of the other members of the Host Club, waiting for something, anything, to happen, were all drowned out as the twins silently, secretly, said goodbye to each other.
Do you need me like I need you?
xXx
The moon was low in the sky, stars strewn just outside of their window, it seemed; the lights in their room were dimmed, and it was quiet, even for them. The twins had never been much for talking, because the only people they needed were each other, and often times they already knew what the other was going to say, so words were never needed. They'd come back from the Host Club, fell onto their bed, their hands unconsciously tangling together, and stayed that way ever since; they both had something on their minds, but neither seemed to have the right words to say what it was.
"Kaoru, something's wrong," Hikaru said in a whisper, breaking the ice; normally he would ask if something actually was wrong, but this time he didn't have to – he knew already that something was, and now it was only a matter of finding out what. "Please, tell me."
Kaoru shifted a bit so he was facing away from Hikaru, but tightened his hold on his brother's hand at the same time. When he spoke, it sounded like his voice was shaking.
"We're falling apart, aren't we?"
Hikaru wasn't quite sure how to answer that. Yes, they were falling apart, that fact was certain, but he didn't want to tell Kaoru that, because, by saying it, it made it seem truer than it needed to be. By saying it, he was acknowledging that it was fact.
"Hmm… I don't think so, not really. Is that all that's bothering you?"
Because you don't have to worry; I'll never let you go.
"Yes." No, Kaoru thought, it's not, but I'll say it is, for your sake. "But something's on your mind too. And don't tell me it's nothing; I know you better than to believe that."
And there it came, the moment that would decide what happened to them – both of them – whether they would live 'happily ever after,' or their perfect world would shatter. Hikaru could feel a lump rising in his throat – which was suddenly feeling very dry – and his palms were sweating so much that he had to, regretfully, let go of his brother's hand so Kaoru wouldn't notice. He sat up – Kaoru following suit – and he looked his brother in the eye, uncertain.
He was, for the first time, at an entire loss for words. Luckily, though, in a moment it became impossible for him to say anything at all, when a pair of lips met his own.
Hikaru could feel hot, wet tears flowing from Kaoru's face to his own – that was how close they were; he moved his hands along the other boy's face, wiping his thumb across his eyes to stem the flow of tears. The kiss was hot, and soft, and it sent shivers up Hikaru's spine, and surely up Kaoru's as well. And all of his uncertainty vanished in the moment where both pairs of lips melded with each other.
Kaoru's slender fingers tangled in Hikaru's honey-colored hair, swirling the bright locks around his fingertips, while Hikaru wrapped his arms around his brother's slim frame, pulling him close enough for their chests to touch. And when they pulled away it was to find that they were both panting and gasping for breath, but smiling nonetheless.
"Now will you tell me what's on your mind?" Kaoru asked between breaths; Hikaru just nodded and pulled his younger brother into another heated, burning kiss.
And they knew it was wrong, knew that, when Hikaru's hands, shaking, began slowly unbuttoning Kaoru's shirt, and when Kaoru's moans and Hikaru's moans melded together in perfect symmetry, that what they were doing was wrong. But they didn't care; they didn't care because they loved each other, wanted each other, so much, that when the sweat poured from their bare chests, the heat radiating so strongly that they could almost see it, all of the wrongs were erased because it just felt so right.
But they knew, in the back of their minds, that the wrongs would catch up to them later. They always did. And where would they be then? They wouldn't get married, wouldn't pledge their undying love for each other, no matter what the world said, because that just wasn't who they were. The Hitachiin brothers lived for the moment, and never thought about the future, because they'd never had to. Until now. Because even they didn't know what would come next for them.
But, just then, they didn't care. They would get through it, together.
And, in the morning, when their fears and insecurities about what they were dong caught up with them, the knowledge that it probably wouldn't last, and they'd be back where they'd started – perhaps even worse, more separated and awkward around each other – and the truth squarely facing them, telling them just how wrong it was, Hikaru would hold Kaoru tenderly close to himself, planting soft kisses gently along his jaw-line and on his forehead, and reassure his younger brother that it'd all be alright – even though he himself couldn't be so sure it would – because they'd always have each other. And Kaoru would just smile and bury his head in Hikaru's chest, breathing in a sweet smell he assured himself he would never forget, though in his heart he knew he probably would. They would hold themselves in their special world for as long as they could, because the memories they'd make would withstand time; even if – and probably when – they separated, they would still be left with pieces of each other and the hope they'd put them together again someday.
They had each other, no matter how wrong it was – not that they'd ever cared about wrong and right, until now, when they'd committed the ultimate wrong; and they knew that the world they had known, as brothers, would change drastically now that their relationship had changed, but, they hoped, it would change for the better – and they would always have each other.
Tell me, do you need me like I need you?
Yes.
xXx