a/n I got this idea from the song Losing Grip by Avril Lavigne. I changed the story around from my original draft though, just to tell you. BLEEP BLEEP!!THIS IS NOT A ONESHOT! STORY ALERT IT IF YOU LIKE IT!!! (and favorite, so on...)

Disclaimer: I am not the owner of anything here...except maybe one or two things, but those things don't even have names.(aka, Bella's motel)

Missing You.

"No." Edward said.

I woke up from that nightmare—the same one I've had since Jacob.

I had been without Edward for a while, but when I started to chat with Jacob, and actually became his best friend, and he mine, the pain started to subside. I started to live again.

A year passed, Jacob hurt me, but I found out that the only reason was simple. He was a werewolf, and was told not to tell me, but he found his way around it, and we were together again. At one point, Victoria had come, and as we hid and he fought, leaving me with Seth—Harry Clearwater's son—to protect me, I realized I missed him.

When he came back, he still hurt, emotionally, at my not loving him. My friendship with him was awkward, and I kissed him. As we kissed, I found out I did, in fact, love him. Not as I had loved Edward, but I still loved him.

As Edward still didn't come back, I stayed in love with Jacob. I thought I'd never fall out of love. We married, I got pregnant, and I gave birth a year ago.

One year ago:

I was out of the hospital with my daughter, Renesmee. A mix of my mothers name and Esme. I didn't hate the Cullens, I couldn't hate them. I got over Edward, and if they came back right now, I'd still want to be best friends with Alice, and close to everyone, just not Edward's love.

Esme was still like a mother to me, and I had a right to name my baby whatever I wanted, after a vampire—or a bloodsucker, as Jacob said—or after Mike Newton, if I really wanted to. If I had had a boy, maybe it would have been some mix of Billy, Charlie, and Carlisle. Renesmee's middle name was Carly, after my father and Carlisle.

Jacob was out, when I gave birth, as a wolf, though I told the doctors that where he went to work he couldn't have his phone. I called Billy instead and told him to have Jacob wait at home when he got there. We had moved to a slightly bigger house, but only with three rooms—one for Billy, one for our baby, and one for us.

Now, I stepped out of Seth's—the one who had picked me up—car. I opened the back seat and unbuckled the baby seat, switching little Renesmee to my arms. As he opened the door, he kissed me without looking at Renesmee.

"Jacob, the baby," I told him, and he looked down.

Instantly, his big smile disappeared into a shocked face. He stared at Renesmee. Seth walked in, and when he saw what Jacob was doing, spoke.

"Crap!" he said. Jacob looked up, having heard his voice, and looked at me.

There was sadness in his eyes, and regret. No love. They weren't like Edwards eyes when he had left me—cold, hard, uncaring, and frozen topaz—they were regretful and sad.

"Bella," he said.

"Wait, and have her sit," Seth said, coursing me to our small living-room, and setting me on the couch, then trying to take Renesmee away.

"No, I can hold her," I snapped, too harshly. He just frowned and sat next to me. Jacob stood across from us, and paced.

"Bella," he repeated, "Oh, Bella. I-I don't know how to say this."

"What?" I asked.

"I imprinted."

I was in shock. He had imprinted, in the middle of the forest, while I gave birth to his child? No, that's not right, he had kissed me when I came in, then when he looked at Renesmee…

"Oh, oh no, is that even possible?" I barely got out, "you imprinted on your own child? On my child? No, no…"

"Yes," Seth said, taking Renesmee from me now.

I looked over, and saw why he had taken her from me. Her blanket had the imprints of my fingers on it. I had almost squeezed my own child to death.

"It's true, and I can't help it. I wouldn't tell you, but you'd know. And I don't want to lie to you," he said.

"I have to leave."

"No, you don't, you just have to know, I imprinted on her," he said, "I don't even know her name."

"Renesmee," I told him, walking upstairs with a blank face, to pack my things.

"Oh," Jacob said, staring at her again, then realized I was walking upstairs, "I told you Bella, you don't have to go!"

"Yes, I do," I told him, "I'm not going to watch that."

"But Renesmee needs her mother!" He whined.

"Not when the mother isn't her fathers true love. Not when the mother isn't even the fathers any kind love. You have to keep her, anyway," I told him.

"Why?"

"Because, Jacob," I said, as I packed, "You imprinted on her."

"So?" He whined. He grabbed my arm as I started downstairs with two over-flowing bags. I had everything of mine. "Why do I have to choose?"

I ignored him. I needed to get out of here, I love my baby, but I can't stay here and pretend to love him.

"Just let me go," I said, shaking off his arm, though I didn't need to. He had already loosened his grip, and let go when I asked.

"Bella!" He said, once more, as I left the house, tears down my cheek, and made it to my old Chevy truck.

363 days ago:

I miss Renesmee and I miss being in love with Jacob. But I can't go back, not after how I left. I asked Angela if I could stay with her, explaining that Jacob and I had had a fight and Charlie wouldn't understand, and would want me to go back and make up with him. She was perfectly okay with it, and so were the twins and her parents. I'm staying in her room until I gather money to get a cheap apartment.

Ben was over, and watching he and Angela together hurt, I could tell he loved her, and she loved him. It only made me miss Jacob and Edward—who I hadn't even realized I missed until I left Jacob—even more.

"Bella, are you ok? You looked kind of out of it," Angela said, truly caring.

I appreciated her, the only true friend I had left. "Yeah, I'm fine, I'm going to go to bed early though, I'll see you later."

She said good night and got back to the movie we were watching—the one I didn't even realize was still on. I wasn't going to get any sleep tonight anyway, I just wanted to be alone when I started crying and started falling apart.

Like it was on a timer, it hit me hard when I got into my room-temperature bed. Not cold, no Edward, not warm, no Jacob. No one, not even Mike Newton. I started to fall apart, to feel the hole in my chest from before I had gotten over Edward and when I didn't have Jacob, as it grew from a little speck to a black hole. I wrapped my arms around me, hugging myself, in a last try to keep myself together. No matter how tightly I held myself, I fell apart, I was a bunch of pieces laying on a mattress on the floor of Angela's room.

I knew I was crying, I felt warm, salty, tears fall out of my eyes and tried to blink the rest back. Again it didn't work. Nothing I seemed to do was right. I had done something to make Edward left me, then I had been the cause for vampires coming back and Jacob being turned into a werewolf. Then I fell in love with him, and had the baby, only to have him imprint on it. Then I left my baby.

Nothing I did was right. Not since I turned 18. Or maybe when I turned 17? Was moving to Forks a mistake? Maybe. But Maybe not. I had come to Angela, made new friends, found Edward and fallen in love, even if it didn't work, I had found Jacob too. It wasn't all horrible. Plus, my mom's in Jacksonville, happy with Phil.

Maybe I should go move in with her?

11 months ago:

I finally got myself to go back to see Renesmee, and she's happy. She's learning quickly. She cried when I held her, why did I have to leave her? Now she doesn't even recognize me! Oh, she has Charlie's eyes, my eyes, and as I stare into her eyes, it reminds me of when I look at myself in the mirror. Big, brown, confused, not knowing who I am.

Who am I?

I earned the money for a month at a cheap motel, and decided to move there as I earned more. I only get cheap food, and I only get what I need. I have a mattress as a bed in the room, I don't have a TV, or anything else much. I work two jobs and get too little sleep, but at least I'm not bothering Angela's family anymore.

She had said I should have stayed longer, just until I had two months pay, but I told her no, that I'd be fine there. She still insisted that if I needed somewhere to stay again, her house was open. I'd try to avoid that, but I didn't tell her that.

I cry myself to sleep and wake up with red eyes and wet pillows, sheets knocked all over the place. I guess that's something normal for when you have this type of thing. I mean, the ability to ruin your life in so many ways.

Yup, that's me. I ruin my life just by breathing. Each day gets harder, I fall apart more and more. I feel like crumbs, I feel like I got sucked into a black hole. I wish for nothingness, like I had after Edward left, but it won't come.

I miss that zombie-like state, but I don't know how to induce it. Only Edward can do that, it seems, since not even Jacob could make me feel like that. I was starting to doubt that I actually got over him. I think that I may have just buried the hurt, and all that pain, under my love for Jacob. Oh, I still love Edward, I still love Jacob, and I still love my baby, but I can't have any of them.

What will she say, when she has to explain to her friends why she never met her mommy? 'my mommy left the day I was born and only came back once?' I don't want her to think that…when she's older, and will understand, I'll go back. She'll know why, I'll tell her sorry, and maybe she'll be ok with it, and still love me!

Oh, I hope so! What if she doesn't though? What if she hates me and never wants to talk to me again? No, that can't happen! It just can't!

10 months ago:

I don't know why I keep hoping that Edward lied, and that he did love me, and would come back. He hasn't yet. I'm still here, a boring human. I won't go to Mike Newton, I won't go to Tyler Crowley, and I won't go to Eric Yorkie. I don't have anyone to love, not a single person in this world would love me like I love Edward, and love Jacob, no matter how much I wish I didn't love Jacob.

Where are you, Edward? I asked into the night one day. I got no answer, not a rustle in the leaves. Nothing had changed, I still can't have Edward, can't have Jacob, and won't have anyone else.

I tried to say sorry to Jacob, and tell him I wanted to come back, that being here with him and Renesmee would be better, but he just kept interrupting me, telling me that it's okay, and I don't have to make it up to him. I gave up on trying after a while. Maybe next time I should try more?

4 months ago:

I tried visiting Renesmee again, and she was more happy to see me this time. According to Jacob, she loved people. I was happy that she was gaining a personality, and I was happy that I was one of the people she loved. She didn't call me mommy, as she could talk now and called Jacob daddy. I tried to tell her I was her mommy, but she just shook her head.

"She doesn't know you as mommy yet. Bella, if you came here often enough, she could get to know you better and you could be mommy," Jacob told me then.

"Jacob, can't I just-" I tried to ask him if I could just move in with him. He interrupted me.

"Don't worry about that, Bella, I'm over it. Still sad that you were so angry, and still sad that my best friend doesn't live with me, but I'm over it for the most part."

He left then, needing to get food for Renesmee, which meant going to Emily's house. I wanted to cook her food, but he said that Emily had just called before I came saying that she had food for Renesmee. I wasn't angry with Emily, Jealous, yes, but not angry. She didn't know I was coming, she didn't know I wanted to cook for Renesmee, it wasn't her fault she had.

3 months ago:

My life still couldn't get worse. Renesmee likes me, but Jacob and the others...not so much. Jacob still calls me his best friend, but we both know that isn't true. Any hope of that vanished with me leaving. There were rumors around town that Jacob had a mistress, and that's why I left. I feel horrible for causing those rumors, but I can't go back.

I started calling out for Edward every night, still no answer. I want him, I need him, and he still isn't here.

Renesmee started calling me mommy, I'm ecstatic to say. I started crying the first time she did, and she said 'don't cry, mommy!' Oh, she does love me! I can't believe she loves me! But then, the next time I came, she called Emily-who was there to visit-mommy as well. So, did she call everyone who had anything to do in her life mommy? That hurt.

1 month ago:

I'm at the end of my line.

Mike Newton came to visit me, hearing where I was from Ben, who had heard from Angela, who hadn't known what gossips these boys could be. He wanted me to come live with him. He was single, and could use a friend living with him. I knew his real reason, of course, was that if I was close, maybe I'd fall in love with him. I denied him. The next day, Eric came, then Tyler a week later.

I went to Angela's house, and chatted for a bit. She explained that she was moving out soon, and to a place with Ben. She was excited, but also sad to leave her twin brothers.

When I left the house, I thought I saw a quick flash from a shine from down the street, one that none of the cars around her have had, since Edward left. I shrugged it off as a hallucination, caused from having a broken heart.

Today:

Renesmee is a year old today. I left her a gift, but didn't attend the party. I was unwanted, unneeded, and had hurt Jacob and Renesmee. The gift was a cheap locket I had found at Wal-mart, and had spent half of my extra money to get. Now I'm at home, yet again, crying at the window.

"Edward? where are you!" I called out into the day. Not a rustle of leaves, not a snapped twig answered me.

I'm tired, I'm done. I can't live with this any more. Why should I care about everyone else, when no one was there for me? No, Angela was there for me. She'd get over it if I was gone, though. She wouldn't care enough to be broken, as broken as I am now. It wouldn't matter to Renesmee, she wouldn't remember me. She'd grow up with all the other imprints, discluding Claire, as her mommies. Emily would be there to make her food until she learned, Kim to make sure she did well in school, and so on.

With this is mind, I climbed up the stairs. I left the door to my room unlocked, it didn't matter if someone took the little I had. I'd be dead before they got to the little that was there. The sun was shining. I thought I saw a sparkle, like a shiny car or diamonds, on the side of the forest I passed it off as another delusion. My building was 4 floors tall. I was on the roof.

I neared the edge, got on that little cliff, closed my eyes, and tilted myself forward, ever-so-slightly. Me, being as imbalanced and uncoordinated as possible, only needed that bit to fall down.

It worked, I felt wind rushing against my face, my clothes thrashing back, along with my rats-nest of long, dull, brown hair. It pulled at my cheeks, I could feel bugs hitting my body. It only lasted seconds before it stopped. All of a sudden, I was on the floor. I was dead. a white light started towards me. I wasn't scared, I was happy. I welcomed it, as it grew into a small meadow, identical to Edwards meadow.

There was a figure there, sparkling in the sun.

"No!" he said.

"Edward," I whispered back, and went to him, to hug him, "If this is heaven-the ability to hallucinate that you're here with me, then I'm happy that I left."

"No, no no!" he was panicking now.

"Calm down, Edward, It's okay, I'm fine," I tried to tell him.

"No! Carlisle!" he screamed.

I felt wind rushing me away, though I was completely still, and the meadow wasn't moving.

"Edward, she's dying," Carlisle's voice came from everywhere.

"No no no no..." Edward said, he was passed panic.

"Yes, Edward. She's dying. She'll die if you don't bite her in the next three seconds," Edwards voice came.

There was silence, as I thought. I was dead already, what were they talking about? I was happy to be here, in heaven, away from Jacob and the hurt I had put on myself and the pack, and not able to hope that Edward could come back, because I was already with him. I felt breathing on my neck, as though Edward was there, then pain.

Not a quick flash, but a long-lasting, or never-ending, fire. The meadow started to disintegrate, leaving behind fires. I kept my eyes closed, and screamed.

Why? Why was I in hell?! No, I knew why I was in hell. I did it to myself. Leaving Jacob was what caused me to end up here. But, why did they tease me? Why did they make Edward show up, and make me feel as though I was going to heaven? Oh, Satan, you are truly evil! Why?!

"Bella, Bella, you're okay," I heard as the fire spread.

It was Edward voice. "Cruel, cruel, Satan." I murmured. I wouldn't fall for that. I wouldn't open my eyes to see the fiery pits of hell all around me. No, no, no.

"Shh, Bella, you're not in hell," Edwards voice spoke again.

"Yes I am. I'm burning in hell. Why must I be delusional? I don't want to have the hope of seeing Edward again, when I'm dead and in hell."

"Bella, you aren't in hell! You're being changed into a vampire!" Carlisle said.

"Carlisle, I love you like a father," I said, pretending Satan, who was using the Cullens' voices, was actually them. "My baby's middle name is Carly."

"After he and Charlie?" asked Edwards voice.

"Yeah, and her first name is Renesmee," I said as the pain started to subside, or rather, go under my feelings. What? Was talking about my baby-who didn't actually love me-taking me out of hell?

"After me and your mother," Esme's voice whispered.

"Yes,"

"What about me?!" Emmett's voice said. It was a good impression, that Satan was doing. His Emmett sounded just like real Emmett, and acted like Emmett, from what I was hearing.

"Emmett," I said, laughing through the pain, "I loved you like a brother."

"But...don't you still love me?" he asked.

"I'm dead."

"Bella, you're not dead. You're feeling emotions. Sadness, love, happiness..." Jaspers voice said.

"You're a good impressionist, Satan," I told him.

"It's not Satan, it's Jasper," Satan said in Jaspers voice.

I didn't pay attention. My body felt as though I was being lifted out of hell.

"God?" I asked.

"No, Bella, you're finishing changing," Alice's voice said.

"God, don't do this. Satan did it. Unless I can see them when I'm in heaven, don't make me hear their voices," I told him, remembering to be respectful, "Please."

"She's delusional," Rosalie sighed sadly.

"No, I'm not. I'm going to heaven. Rosalie, even though you hated me, I hoped you'd get used to me," I told God, pretending as though he actually was Rosalie.

"She must be, Rosalie, this is the only time anyone has actually had a conversation as they changed," said Carlisle's voice.

"But I'm in heaven!" I said.

"No, Bella, you're not, open you're eyes," Edwards voice said.

I could feel my senses heightening as he said that, I felt a newly found strength and balance wiring through me. I listened to God.

a/n holy poop...this is the longest thing I've ever written! I think I'm only going to make it a two-shot, just because. How did you guys like it? I know...weird...I still flinch when I think of Jacob and Bella...together together...you know, how they made Renesmee? lol...yeah...anyway, I don't know how long the next/last chapter will be...I really just thought of half of this on the spot...