Spoilers: up to end of Season 2.
A/N: Betaread by the brilliant fififolle.
There was one day Helen had not expected. She had thought it would be a day of triumph, plans paying off, Nick accepting the new order she'd outlined. Everything ought to fall in place. It all falls to pieces.
Leek lied. Leek rebelled, should have seen that one coming, and suddenly it's not about her anymore, there's no enticing Nick back – he, they, everyone is on alert against the threat and any help she gives is not enough. She's as much the enemy as she as ever was, because she brought this about, and he blames her, one more thing to blame her for.
She'd still hoped he would be able to forgive her, she'd smiled to herself at the thought he'd said he loved her, only to be stabbed in the back by his admission, and there's yet another lie for the day. So she follows suit, trying to dig herself out of this, digging Stephen's grave instead.
It's never over, she never quite believes Nick is beyond her reach – he's her husband – but after that day she knows everything has changed in a way that cuts her off from him. All she has left is what she can change, and the hope she can still change it enough to get what she wants however she can. If it's fun to experiment that's just a nice bonus, a perk that fills in for everything else that's ended up missing.