So I owe WhenLighteningStrikes a Dasey realization fic. And this while this a realization fic, it is not exactly what she wanted I think. Here goes anyway. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own LwD.
One step forward
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Derek knows that something should be wrong if he's the one sneaking peeks at Casey's bedroom, hoping that he will see the slightest hint of skin through the tiniest opening of the door. He knows for certain it's wrong. The word is branded onto his brain and repeating itself in a continuous loop. But that doesn't stop him from taking those tantalizing peeks because they are the very nature of an addiction.
The first time he thinks it, hopes it and peeks, he's so revolted because this is Casey. Nothing else explains it better than the fact that she is Casey and he's Derek and it's so very wrong to want something that you never really thought you would like or want in the first place.
He races to the bathroom and heaves into the sink and brushes his teeth furiously, screaming in his mind all the time, get out, get out, get out. But it does not happen and he goes to bed and stares at the ceiling and refuses to sleep because if he sleeps then all his defenses will fall and she'll break through the chinks in his armor. And he's not going to let her in there.
He wakes up in the morning, tired and his eyes blood shot and when he's on the way to the bathroom, he passes by her door, gives into temptation and peeks and then runs to the bathroom and dry heaves.
When he reaches school he grabs Kendra, ignoring the sheen of happiness in her eyes and shoves them both into a janitor's closet and kisses her desperately trying to feel something. But when he only feels an overwhelming sense of emptiness, he lets go, apologizes and goes to his next class and tries to pretend like nothing ever happened. And on the way out he also pretends he didn't notice the way her eyes shine with tears. For all intents and purposes, it's a trick of the light.
He ignores Casey's concerned gaze and Kendra's heartbroken one and pretends everything is okay and almost believes it because he's just that good at pretending that everything's okay. Everything's a game in his world and that's why it's easier to pretend because in a game there are no feelings involved.
It happens for a while – peeking through Casey's door, heaving in the private confines of the bathroom and kissing random girls - until he finds himself finally falling asleep because staying awake and listening to the sound of her breathing through the paper thin walls is not an option. He also finds that the dry heaving stops and that only rarely does he bring up bile.
It's a step towards normalcy, which he reads as crazy town and maybe one day he'll also be able to push down the ever present guilt that comes soaring up to his throat each time he passes by and takes a peek.
Right now he's just trying to live with the knowledge that he feels something and knowledge isn't necessarily always power.
/
Two steps backward
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He's almost come to terms with his sickness/obsession/addiction; he doesn't know what to call it when Truman comes into the picture. He's not unduly bothered because this is Truman, he's seen so many Trumans' in his life and he knows Truman's type and Casey's type don't really mix well together. It's a certainty, take it from him as one who knows.
But when Casey starts going out with this character because Truman will never be anything more, he doesn't know what to do for the first time in his life. Because he sees Casey morphing into all those girls she swore she'd never ever be and she and Truman end up looking like a watered down imitation of him and his latest fling. This isn't the girl he knows and this isn't the girl who torments him in his dreams and this isn't the girl who gives him dry heaves. She's the girl who makes him feel lust on a superficial level and absolutely nothing in that barred fortress, many would call a heart.
He wonders if she knows about her fall from grace and he wonders if she knows what she has become. But when she gives Truman that second chance he realizes that he's irrevocably lost her.
And nothing feels the same anymore, not even those jibes he forces out, the ones which she accepts without a murmur.
It's not the same and he's just as lost as she is.
/
Two steps forward
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He's living in a daze and decides that if she can throw off expectations and not have anybody mind then he can do to it too. It's a childish form of rebellion but he's beyond the point of caring.
He throws himself into his work and breathes air, hockey and academics. His family notices but she doesn't and he works harder until his eyes and blur and he falls asleep on his books. He no longer looks at her bedroom door but sometimes he smells her lavender perfume in the air coated with the stench of Truman and he sits in the bathroom and feels his throat bottle up and his eyes itch with unshed tears.
He's in a rut he knows and he's hoping for something epic – let it be her he pleads in his innermost heart of hearts . His wish comes true when one day she breaks it off from Truman and he finds himself breathing again and his heart slowly but surely start to thump erratically against his chest.
He doesn't say anything but he feels compelled to look at her bedroom door and almost has a want-induced heart attack when he sees the door open wider than usual. He takes refuge in the bathroom as always but this time instead of heaving he's trying to count to a hundred and stop his heart from sliding out of his throat. His face is flushed and no amount of cold water will wash away the blush from his cheeks.
He strides out of the bathroom and passes her on the way. He doesn't even turn to look at her but at the last moment his head betrays him and he flips around quickly to see her smiling at him and he allows himself to give her a small smile before shutting himself up in his room and laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and even dreaming of a day when he finds her sitting next to him out of a feeling other than compulsion.
It's good to dream and it's even better to dream of her next to him.
/
Four steps backward
/
To everyone surprise but his own they get into the same college. She thinks it's on purpose and he knows it's on purpose because he's not going to let her out of his sight. It would be detrimental to his breathing and living. She's shouting at the dinner table and for the sake of appearances he says something back too though he doesn't know if it makes any sense. He's too thrilled to even think straight because when they are away at university they will no longer be associated, they will be separate entities of Derek and Casey and maybe he'll finally stop feeling the guilt.
In the night he comes down for a midnight snack simply because he knows that she will come there too, to discuss or deny what has been brewing between them for the past four years. He's not wrong and as he's eating some cereal, she comes down.
They start off cautiously as always and he makes his sexist comments which annoy her and move her enough to call him the most annoying brother ever. His throat catches at that word and his heart beat begins to slowly drop.
He makes the correction because after all he is the step-brother. Not her blood relative and in no way connected to her at all. He waits for a response his face betraying none of the anxiety he feels.
And when she says, it's the same difference, his heart comes to a standstill because now he knows that all is truly lost. All that was ever there is gone and from the slightly guilty look in her eyes, he knows that she said it on purpose. He wants to scream because this wasn't the way it was supposed to end. They had a chance, he knew they did. And she believed it too, that's why she led him on and kept the door ever so slightly ajar.
And now's she acting like nothing ever happened. He knew she didn't want to make the first move because she was scared. But he was scared too, and yet here he was holding his heart out on a platter only to have it dashed to the ground. He was ready to take a chance. Why couldn't she?
And he knows the answer is that she doesn't have faith that they will ever be anything more than Derek and Casey. She doesn't think they are worth fighting for because now one will give them a chance. This is not the Casey he knows. It's a damning and gut-wrenching realization.
He doesn't say anything in return because what else is left to say? She said everything that was there to say with those two words, closing the door on him forever. A part of him wishes she had fought for them because he knows he would have been willing to fight. He would have taken on the whole world single-handedly if he had to. But it doesn't surprise him either. Because this is Casey, and if there's an easy conventional way out she'll take it because she's waiting for the knight in shining armor upon a steed. And his armor is chockablock with chinks and he doesn't ride the conventional steed.
But he would have changed it all, if she had just given them a chance.
Now he'll just take his bruised heart and slip it back again never to be found and when he passes her by in college he wont know her and he wont even have to pretend because he doesn't know her anymore. And when he's playing hockey he won't look for her in the stands because he has a sister who he will never really think about as one and he'll just remove her from his head or drown out her presence with those girls who she always hated because she made her choice clear.
It all ends tonight and there's nothing more.
/
If only she'd given him a chance.
/
The final ep screwed me over. It reely did. :'(