I DO NOT OWN THE VAMPIRE DIARIES OR THE CHARACTERS.
Music Credit: "Pain" – Three Days Grace
~*.*~
'Pain, without love – pain, I can't get enough.
Pain, I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
You're sick of feeling numb.
You're not the only one.
I'll take you by the hand and I'll show you a world that you can understand.
This life is filled with hurt, when happiness doesn't work.
Trust me and take my hand.
When the lights go out, you'll understand.'
~*.*~
I sank to the floor, holding a half-empty bottle of Bacardi, sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't even flinch when I heard the front door opened. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. There's nothing anyone could do to me that could make me feel worse than I already do. Caroline's dead, because I was strong enough to save her. Caroline's dead, because I couldn't hold up my spell long enough. She's dead because of me and her blood is on my hands. I don't know how to live with myself.
"Bonnie, you can't keep living this way." Damon sighed as he sank down next to me, slinging an arm around my shoulder. Surprisingly enough, he's been the one that's been around the most. He checks in with me every day. He makes sure I eat something and I haven't died on him. I don't know why he bothers. We're barely friends. I'm not worth his time.
"Why does it matter?" I asked him. I took a swig of the liquor in my hands. I offered him the bottle. He took a minute to consider it before taking a long swallow. He handed it back.
"Because Judgy, you're too good for this. You're good and this is consuming you. I know that you're blaming yourself for everything, but you're not the one that killed Caroline. Silas took care of Barbie. It wasn't you." He hugged me into his side, trying to convince me of something I knew to be untrue.
"It doesn't matter, Damon. Don't you get it? I was supposed to save her! Why couldn't I save her? I brought Jeremy back to life! I've saved your sorry ass. I saved Elena… But, ever since I was brought back to life, my magic hasn't been the same. It still isn't what it was… It's so fucking hard, Damon. I want to die. I can't feel this way anymore. I don't have anyone left." I was weeping harder, now. Sobs shook through my body. Damon just held me tighter.
"You're not alone."
"Aren't I?" I asked him, sniffling. "Elena won't even look at me. Stefan is gone. Jeremy and I barely speak. I don't have anyone. Grams is dead. My mom is gone. My dad is gone."
"You have me." He forced me to look at him and he mopped off my face.
"You have Elena. I'm sure she's not thrilled that you're wasting your time with me." I argued. I took another drink. I want to be numb. I want to stop feeling. When I drink, it helps numb the pain, even if it is just a little bit.
"Elena doesn't know what she wants. I got tired of waiting her to figure it out. We broke up and I'm not looking to get back with her." Damon confessed. I snorted.
"So, what? You came over here to comfort me? To offer your body as a distraction?" I quipped.
"I came over here to make sure that you didn't self-destruct, Bonnie." He admitted, quietly.
"Why does it matter to you?"
"Because you matter to me. Is that really so hard to believe?" He asked. "I've been around you for years. You don't think that I'd start caring about your wellbeing even in the slightest?"
"Not really, no. Considering your history towards my family, can you blame me?" I asked him, my face finally dry.
"Look at me." He requested. I turned my face to stare at him. He's being serious. His trademark smirk is noticeably absent from his handsome face.
"I'm looking."
"You will get through this."
"No, I won't. She was like my sister. I can't do it this time. I've lost too much." I told him. He shook his head.
"It's going to hurt like hell, and it's going to always hurt you a little. It's going to easier and you're going to get past this. I'm going to be here and I'm going to help you."
"I'm not worth it."
"Yes, you are. I'm going to show you."
"How?"
"With time. You can't rid of me, Bennett. I waited on Katherine a whole lot longer than this is going to take with you."
"So, you'll fix me then you'll be on your merry little way?" I shot.
"No, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. What part of that don't you understand? Because, I thought I was pretty clear on that." He teased. I rolled my eyes.
"Good luck." I brought the rum to my lips and emptied out a good portion into my mouth. I swallowed it and leaned back. I feel warm, instead of my usual cold and empty. I feel light and comfortable with Damon here.
"Come here, witchy." Damon beckoned me closer. I shrugged and scooted over. Why the hell not? He's been coming by for weeks now. Every day. I try to throw him out, he stays longer. I refuse to talk, he sleeps on the couch. He cooks for me, he cleans up, and still he doesn't leave. "As for your distraction suggestion, I think it might help." He whispered. I didn't even have time to ask him what he meant before his lips were on mine. I didn't react. I was stunned. It wasn't until he started moving his lips against mine that I realized what he was doing. I tangled my hands in his hair and kissed him back, hard.
We ended up lying back, on the floor. He's pressing his weight down on top of me. It's hard to breathe, but I don't care. I can't really concentrate on anything apart from the tingles I'm getting from his kisses. I deepened the kiss, slipping my tongue into his mouth. I started to tug on his clothes, trying to get them off. We broke apart and he took off his shirt. He helped me out of my clothes and toed off his shoes. I unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them off. I pulled him to me and kissed him. There's nothing gentle about my movements.
"Bonnie, slow down." He panted.
"I don't want to slow down. I want you." I whimpered. I pulled at his hair. He narrowed his eyes and yanked mine in return. I moaned. "I need it."
"Need what?"
"I need to feel the pain. Don't hold back. I want it to hurt."
"Bonnie –"
"If you can't do it, I don't want this, Damon."
"I'm not going to hurt you, Bonnie." He sighed. I slapped him. He stayed still. I slapped him, again. Nothing. I clenched my fists and gave him an aneurism. He growled and lunged at me. "This is what you want?" He asked, slamming me into the wall.
"Yes," I answered through gritted teeth. It hurts and I marvel in it. It's a pain that I can tolerate and a pain I can control. It's a distraction from my broken heart and my weeping soul. He pulled my hair back and thrust into my now dripping pussy. I gasped and dug my nails into his back. He growled and pushed into me with reckless abandon. The line between pain and pleasure is blurring. He pulled harder on my hair and moved his mouth to my neck. I pulled his face back to mine. We kissed and it was purely instinct driven, animalistic – our teeth clashed and lips bled. He tightened his grip on my hips. I know I'll bruises later. It makes it that much better. He moved a hand to my nub and started rubbing. I moaned and felt my orgasm fast approaching. He's thrusting faster. He's getting close, too. "Bite me."
"No."
"Bite me, Damon." I hissed. He pulled my hair, moving my head to the side. He bared his teeth and sank them into my neck. It was enough to pull me into my release. I screamed and my nails broke skin on his back. He stilled and I felt him spray inside of me. I clung to him until I finished.
He put me down on the couch and looked up at him, trying to regain control of my breathing. There are no words to describe what just happened. He must have been thinking something similar because he took a seat next to me and didn't say a word. We stayed that way for awhile, unmoving.
"You should shower." He cleared his throat. I jumped at the sudden noise. I looked over at him and nodded. It's the first time since Care's death that I've been able to concentrate on anything else. It's a fucking miracle.
"Alone?" I asked. He shook his head.
"Only if you don't want company."
"I'd prefer company." I whispered, my voice hoarse. He nodded and helped me up. We walked upstairs. I turned on the hot water and stared at him. "Did you mean what you said?" I asked him. He nodded.
"I'm in for the long haul, Bennett. You better get used to me."
"I guess I'll have to."
~*.*~
'Anger and agony are better than misery.
Trust me – I've got a plan.
When the lights go off, you will understand.
Pain, without love – pain, I can't get enough.
Pain, I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
Pain, without love – pain, I can't get enough.
Pain, I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than –
Rather feel pain…
I know, I know that you're wounded.
You know, you know that I'm here to save you.
You know, you know I'm always here for you.
I know, I know that you'll thank me later.'
~*.*~
Author's Note: So, because I can't sleep, this happened. Reviews would be spectacular. I'll try and get some more stories out today. Stay awesome.
-Anneryn