Author's Notes: A bit of background information for you all. This story was written by three different people, me (Kyra), Tanya and Jo… we went sentence for sentence… leading to lots and lots of randomness! It all started in English class when we were watching the Zephyrelli (sp?) version of Romeo and Juliet and Mercutio yells "I draw my fiddlestick!". Naturally I found this highly amusing, as I was thinking about a certain FMV of a certain man in red at the same time… and thus this story was born.
Generic Disclaimer: I own nada. No really. Most of the lines in this I stole from movies or other things. I own very, very little. –ducks inanimate object thrown by one of my writing buddies- Okay, okay! WE! We own very, very little. Sheesh. Enjoy! And please R&R… if you do we will personally give you a virtual fruit basket full of… um… juicy, juicy blitzballs: P
"But I want to touch Aurie's fiddlestick!"
"But you know he doesn't have any…don't you?" said Yuna
"What are you two doing?" A horribly familiar gruff voice said from behind them, "we have no time to lose, we must keep going."
Rikku let out a little giggle and followed Yuna out.
"Kids, ya?" Wakka shook his head as the guardians trooped solemnly from Djose Temple.
"Oh just shut up and start walking" Lulu replied, which made Rikku's giggles turn to laughter.
Yuna had finished praying to the Fayth at Djose, received the unicorn-like aeon Ixion and the mood was light… but she suddenly found it difficult to open her eyes, as though someone was covering them.
"Oh my fucking God, I'm blind!" she shrieked, running around in a little circle and swatting at her captor.
Silence filled the air as the "F" word echoed in everyone's ears.
"A summoner that swears! Now I've seen everything," Tidus muttered as he moved his hands from Yuna's eyes, "…Boo!"
Everyone blinked. Rikku, already bored after the calamity of Yuna's cursing, walked over to Auron and began prodding his sword that rested against his leg.
"Is it true? …eeerrr…. ooh-never mind," she tried to say the sentence without laughing but failed.
She cracked up, eyes streaming with mirth and grabbed a hold of Auron's cloak to steady herself, pulling it off in the process by accident. As her eyes rose everyone else's mouth dropped open…Auron, yes sir Auron, was wearing nothing else other than boxer spread with the pattern of red hearts.
"Oh my God! COCK!" Lulu yelled, pointing at Auron.
Everybody chocked in horror…until they saw an innocent looking rooster peck it's way past them.
"Brawwwkkk! Brawwwk!" cooed the rooster.
"I feel this is appropriate time to say – I can't stop thinking about you girl?"
"What?" Tidus asked Yuna in confusion.
"Aight! I can't stop thinking about you girl…ooohhh nooo," sang Yuna.
"Rikku," Auron muttered, embarrassed as everyone turned to face him they saw the Al Bhed being pushed away by the legendary guardian as she tried to hug his leg, "Rikku, please get off me."
She screamed and grabbed him somewhere she wasn't supposed to.
"Eeee," she squealed and moved her hands down. Auron grinned and shook Rikku with his leg.
"I hate lightning!" Yuna cried, holding onto dear life as an amused Auron tried to pry hey away. "I'm going to die!"
"There is no lightning!" Yuna cried, exasperated, trying to move her cousin.
"Yeah I know." Rikku muttered quietly to Yuna, "but it's a great way to cop a free feel, hmmm?"
"Oh" Yuna's eyes widened.
"Tidus!" she yelled, rushing to his side throwing herself at him, "I'm so scared of the rabid ancestral monkey aliens!"
Yuna and Rikku exchanged winks.
Tidus looked down, "AIGHT! MACARONI!" he shouted.
"Hey…uhhh…Lulu?" Wakka glanced at Lulu, "you ain't scared of chocobos or anything by any chance?" he asked hopefully, as both Tidus and a semi naked Auron wrestled with their terrified (wink wink) females.
"Hells no!" she replied then threw a giant ball of porridge at him.
"He…he…balls" Auron chuckled.
"So do you have any?" Rikku asked innocently as Yuna couldn't stop herself from laughing at Rikku's inquiry.
"I do! Oh, oh! Pick me!" Tidus danced around with his hand in the air.
"Oh really? Is you sword as big as your-?"
"BAHAHA!" Yuna busted out laughing with tears in her eyes.
"You bet I do!" Tidus replied winking at Yuna.
"Lu? You wanna play with my blitzball? Wakka asked.
She slapped him.
"What!?" he cried, "there is a blitzball stadium over there."
He pointed to a rather randomly placed blitzball stadium in the middle of the forest.
"Lets go check it out!" declared Tidus, who's ego was pretty big at that moment.
"Wooo! Tidus I'm scared." Yuna whimpered, grabbing his hand as they entered the dark forest.
Auron tried to make thunder noises to scare Rikku into hugging him.
"Fuck off Auron," she burst out yelling.
They entered the stadium.
A little short, bold monk came flying from nowhere and landed on Tidus.
"The moon is made out of cheese," the monk said mystically.
"Do you want macaroni with that?" Tidus asked almost unconsciously.
"Uh…Where are your clothes Mr. Monk…dude?" asked Wakka.
"I –" the monk looked puzzled at his naked body for a moment, "part of the training."
He nodded sagely.
Then he disappeared.
"Sir Auron, where are your clothes?" Yuna wondered suddenly as everyone realised he was still without his cloak.
"Back at the temple," he said.
They went back to the temple, but Auron's clothes were missing.
"Oooo, looks like someone is gonna shrivel up!" Rikku blurted out.
"SHRIMP!" Tidus yelled into the air.
"Excuse me!" Auron snapped, "my manhood is far bigger and more experienced than any of yours!"
A cricket chirped.
"OOO, ouch dude" Tidus said in sympathy.
"My milk shake brings all the boys-I mean girls-to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours, damn right it's better than yours!" Wakka started to sing in a monotone voice. "Way better than yours!" Shaking his finger in the air in a gay way.
"…" All the girls were speechless.
"From now on you keep the happy pills!" Lulu said to Yuna, with Rikku looking apologetic.
"Happy pills?" Tidus' face lightened up. "Where?" He screamed
Yuna stared at him blankly.
"Aight babe, relax…I was only joking." Tidus said with a frown. "I really want some though." He said pouting.
Death stares were surging towards Tidus.
"I don't want them!" He cried and ran off with one of his straps from his overalls falling down.
"What the-?" Rikku looked puzzled.
Yuna ran off after him and was yelling at him to not strip until he got somewhere isolated so they could get it on.
"Fucking morons!" Rikku laughed
"Oh you, I love you! Come here Rikku!" Auron whispered.
"Shut up retard!" She shot back.
"I love you when you play hard to get! Rawr!" he flashed his lovely thing around even though he forgot he was still naked.
"He..he…fiddle stick!" Rikku giggled. "No! Plus Yuna said it was bad to take advantage of guys when they're on drugs." She put herself together and came to her senses.
Poof. In a cloud of smoke the monk appeared…still naked!
"The stars are not in line for young love."
"You're still naked!" Auron bitterly spat, "Where are my clothes?"
"Young boy, the time has not come for you to find your clothes! It is not in your future!" The short little bold monk predicted. His scalp shone from the sun.
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LIL' MAN? GIVE ME MY CLOTHES!"
A wave of his hand and he disappeared again.
"Oh God…I think we might definitely need to get a separate room for Wakka and Lulu now!" Rikku said, realising Lulu was spiked by the one and only, Tidus.
"AIGHT" He said nodding, pointing to himself.
"I LOVE YOU TIDUS!" Yuna shouted as she put her arms around his neck…it is then that Rikku realised the happy pills were all gone.
"NOOO!" Rikku screamed with all her might.
"He he" Auron gave a little chuckle and went up to Tidus and gave him a good job stare and walked to the place where the monk disappeared.
With a bump, Auron was rendered unconscious and fell to the ground after being hit by Wakka and one of his "balls".
"Hehehehe," Yuna giggled until she couldn't breathe.
"What? What did I say?" Wakka asked in surprise.
"B…Ba…hehehehe!" Yuna giggled some more.
Wakka was then pulled down to the ground and was tied up to a pole by Rikku with one of the belts from Lulu's skirt.
"Hey, give that back! Don't you know I feel naked without it?" Lulu shouted
"Really ya?" Wakka replied.
"Yes!" She walked up to Wakka and untied him and put her belt back on. But all of a sudden Rikku found a rope lying around and quickly bolted across the room to tie him and Lulu together.
"Now this is how I like it!" Rikku giggled looking at the two of them were tied up together, face to face.
Tidus made kissing faces and started to sing…"Wakka and Lulu sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
Yuna jumped on him and wouldn't let go.
"What?" He asked in surprise
"I'm hungry!" She whined.
"Don't you think we have more important things to worry about?" Auron snapped, crossing his arms over his bare chest, looking at the spot where the mysterious monk had disappeared and Lulu and Wakka giving each other googly eyes and mouthing God knows what to each other.
"Nope!" the summoner grinned, "I'm hungry – let's go to McChocobo's!"
"But my clothes-"
"Oh shut up! Weren't you unconscious just a moment ago?" Rikku asked with her hands firmly placed on her hips.
"Yes, I was, but Lady Yuna healed me," he quipped back.
"Oi –break it up!" Tidus shouted, jabbing Wakka in the back of the head and him and Lulu broke apart quickly.
"Lets go to McChocobo's!" Yuna whined, tightening her grip on Tidus' neck
"Yeah!" agreed Rikku.
"Kimahri hungered too!" Kimahri rumbled.
So Yuna and he guardians left the blitzball stadium and journeyed through the shady Djose woods in search of the nearest McChocobo's. As they rounded yet another bend in the path a trio of friends ambushed them.
"Whoa!" yelled Tidus, unleashing his dangerous looking sword.
"Aiiee!" Rikku screamed, covering her eyes with her hands and launching a grenade at their attacker blindly.
"What the fuck are you doing, you crazy bitch?!" Yuna screamed, diving out of the way as Rikku's firearm sailed through the air towards them, rather than the fiends.
"Oopsie…"
"Oh screw this, I'm tired of constantly fighting fiends," Lulu sighed, spreading her arms wide casting a Firaga fury overdrive. The guardians watched the fiends melt away as the pyreflies danced away though the air but suddenly…they reformed! The party stared in terror as the little orbs of light swirled about, a sinister looking shape emerging from the dust.
"Ohhh-" The figure staggered a bit, clutching its bald head.
"You!" Tidus yelled, brandishing his sword at the monk.
"Who are you?" Auron demanded.
"I'ma – what? Wazz goin' on?" He slurred drunkly.
Which was when everyone noticed he was wearing a familiar red cloak.
"Mother fucker!" Auron yelled, "That's my sake jug!"
He unsheathed his katana from God knows where and charged at the intoxicated monk.
"Man – Sir Auron really knows how to use his fiddlestick." Yuna whistled.
Rikku sighed, a wistful look on her face. She muttered something rather inappropriate involving decisively pornographic things in Al Bhed.
"Come again?" Wakka asked.
"Uhhh…it means..uhm – I like cupcakes! Yeah, cupcakes," she laughed nervously,
"Shouldn't we help Auron?" Tidus asked the group.
"Why?" Lulu questioned, watching an enraged Auron charge around the forest clearing, wildly swinging his sword around and completely missing the monk who kept disappearing and reappearing, "This is pretty fucking funny."
"…Yep, them some damn fine cupcakes – ooh yeah, yep that's all I said – I like-a them cupcakes and them cupcakes a-like-a me back.."
"Rikku – shut up."
"Yes, Yunie."
"Oh – fine!" The monk yelled finally, "I donsh't want yooooorrr friggin' coat thing anywaysh!"
He took it off and threw it at Wakka, disappearing again.
"AHHH, I'm melting!" Wakka screamed trying to flap the coat off his head, "melting – MELTING – MELTING!!!"
Tidus yanked it off.
"Phew – Thanks ya?" He breathed a sigh relief, paused with a frown then sniffed again, "Oh great, ya, I smell like grumpy over there."
"That is SUCH a turn off," Lulu grumbled.
"Bow chicka wow wow!" Rikku purred, dancing around like an idiot.
"Tidus – I have something to tell you," Yuna mumbled, looking at the floor.
"Sure baby – I'm yo man! Wait – You're not pregnant are you?"
"No"
"STD?"
"NO"
He whistled in relief, "good – I'm not going through that again."
"What?"
He lowered his voice, "groupies, yea? Don't know where they've been…nasty stuff."
Yuna smacked him over the head with her staff.
"Fuck-face!" She cried, beating Tidus' now unconscious body to a pulp.
"Bow chicka bow chicka wow oohh!" Rikku growled seductively, making tiger claws with her hands at Auron.
"Rikku go sleepy now!" Wakka said, popping behind Rikku and slapping a rag soaked in chloroform over her mouth. He dragged the unconscious Al Bhed over where Yuna was jabbing Tidus with a pointy stick she had found.
"Bring out our dead! Bring out our dead!" Wakka called out to the forest.
A young girl, no older than Rikku, emerged from the trees, dragging the lifeless forms of two other girls. She dumped them on the pile and looked suspicious as Yuna and her unconscious guardians started at her in shock.
"Um-she's not dead yet," Lulu pointed out in the silence, pointing to the stirring figure if the black haired "corpse". The awkward looking girl nodded, embarrassed, before pulling a flamethrower out of her backpack and torching the comatose bodies on the forest floor. The black haired girl stirred no more.
"She is now!" the flame thrower chick grinned, skipped away into the forest, torching a squirrel on her way past for fun.
No-one said anything for a long time. Then Yuna spoke.
"What a sadistic psycho bitch."
Auron turned to her.
"Are you still hungry?"
"Nah, I'm cool, I'll just eat Tidus," she shrugged, sitting on the grass and reaching for the smouldering boy.
She sunk her teeth into his arm.
"AHHH-FUCK!" Tidus screamed, sitting upright, his hair askew, "You bit me! What are you-a dog?!"
She threw a handful of sand at him and walked away.
"They got couple problems, eh?" Wakka said, amazed
"You-" Lulu cried, pointing at Auron who spun around looking innocent, "come with me."
She grabbed his collar and dragged him, protesting, away from the group. They emerged mere minutes later, Auron looking totally bewildered and Lulu looking as though she was the queen of something. Wakka sputtered indignantly.
"Lu! You-I-you-can't just do that in fruntta me!" he choked.
"Oh come off it Wakka, I only wanted to see his dingaling!"
"WHAT?!"
"His dingaling." she repeated.
"WHERE?" shouted Rikku, leaping to her blackened feet.
"There," Lulu said, pointing to a cluster of bells in Auron's hand.
"I thought his dingaling was there," she replied, pointing somewhere other than his hand.
"Hey- where are you going?!" Rikku called out as Auron walked away.
"To play with my dingaling!" he shouted over his shoulder.
End Notes: Well, all I can say is thanks very much for reading! If you likey, you reviewy, ya? Then we upload more… :D And as a final note of wisdom, remember, this ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race.