January 1996
I'm not sure where this came from, but it sure was refreshing to write. Dark, yes, but it was nice after all those people suppressing their feelings to just get it out in the open. I never managed to come up with the next scene or chapter. Perhaps some kind soul will finish it for me!
CONFESSION
He
sat alone in a shadowy corner, his back turned to the bar. Behind him
he could hear the click and hiss of balls on the pool table, the
steady hum of conversation and laughter. He did not turn to look at
them; though he knew he needed to be near people tonight, he did not
wish for company. He kept his eyes focused on the data padd before
him, working out the duty roster for the next two weeks. It was a
thankless task, and a mindless one, leaving his thoughts to wander
their own paths. But he'd found lately that all paths were circular,
and that they all whirled around same center, one he had no real
desire to examine.
A figure appeared before him, scantily clad and artificially blonde, smiling at him with sympathy. Sandrine. She leaned a little toward him. "Alone again, mon cher?" she asked.
He nodded, tried to smile. "Afraid so, Sandrine." She reached out and tilted his face up to her. "With that smile, Chakotay, you could have any woman in France. But you are always so sad..." She shook her head. "Either you are a gentleman, or you are in love."
He looked away quickly.
"Ahhhhh," she purred. "Do I know la petite?"
"It's not that," he said tightly.
"No? You are a gentleman, then." She pursed her lips; he knew she did not believe him, but she would drop the subject for now. "Your tea is cold, mon cher. Another cup?"
"Yes, thank you."
She placed his half-empty cup on her tray and glided off to the bar. He turned back to his work, trying to put the conversation from his mind. If his feelings were that transparent to a hologram, what must the rest of the crew think? He shook his head slightly. He must remember to be more careful.
The information on the data padd before him shimmered at his touch. He scrolled through the crew rotations, noting idly that, as usual, his bridge shifts nearly always coincided with hers, endless afternoons seated beside her, less than two meters away, always out of reach. He sighed. Seventy-five years of this was going to drive him mad.
He'd often thought of leaving the ship. Find a planet somewhere to settle on, maybe even a band of aliens who would substitute for family and friends. But then he would catch a glimpse of her smile or her bright eyes looking up at him, and know he could never leave.
He scrolled through the roster one last time and gave himself a nod of satisfaction. A swift touch of buttons and he moved to the crew evaluation reports. They weren't due for another month, but they would at least keep his mind off other matters.
A slim white hand appeared before him and placed a steaming cup of tea on the table. He looked up and caught his breath at her smile.
"Commander. Don't tell me you're working?" The Captain's eyes were merry as she eased the data padd from his hands. "Crew evaluations? These aren't due for at least a month."
"I like to get an early start." He tried to take the padd back from her, but she placed it on an empty table beside them, just out of his reach.
"No work tonight, Commander. Captain's orders. Mind if I join you?" He hesitated a moment, then shook his head. She sat in the chair opposite him, her hands folded around her own cup of tea. "Sandrine said you were brooding about something over here. Would you like to talk about it?"
"No, I don't think so."
She leaned across the table to peer into his face. He knew he should look away, but found that he could not. "I come to you when I need to talk, Chakotay. I want you to feel you can always come to me, too."
"I do, but..." Not this time. He shook his head. "I think I need to work this out on my own."
She narrowed her eyes, then drew back. "All right. But if you ever need to talk..." He nodded and she let the subject drop, glancing around the bar while sipping carefully at her tea. "Crowded tonight."
"It usually is on quiet days. I think they come here to forget how bored they are." He chuckled softly. "And to be seen."
"So I've heard. Tom Paris tells me Sandrine's is becoming the most popular place on the ship to bring a date." She turned a half-smile on him. "So why is it I always see you in here alone, Commander?"
His stomach churned suddenly. "Sometimes I come to play pool with Tom and Harry," he said.
"That's not what I mean." Her eyes sparkled at him over the rim of her teacup. "Why is it I never see you in here with any...romantic companionship?"
He looked away. "Same reason as you."
"Oh? Someone back home?"
"No..." A pain he could not name shot through his chest. "No, it's just the distance of command. If I start fraternizing with them, how can I expect them to take orders from me?"
She frowned. "I don't think that's a problem for you. You're already closer to the crew than I am. I think it would be perfectly acceptable for you to establish an intimate relationship with one of them." She smiled. "So if it's my permission you want, Commander, you've got it."
He smiled vaguely. "Thank you..."
"But you'd better stake your claim quickly," she added with a smirk, surveying the gathered crew. "This isn't a big ship, you know. If you've got someone in mind already, better to move now than be sorry later."
"Actually, there is someone..." He drew in a deep breath, unable to meet her eyes. Ordered himself to stop talking, but found he could not. "She's made it very clear she has no interest in pursuing a relationship with me or anyone else."
She patted his arm. "Don't worry, Commander. I'm sure she'll come around."
"Maybe..." He stared down at her hand, still resting on his forearm, shocking white against the dark fabric. "I don't think so."
She cocked her head at him, concerned. "Why not? If you've made your feelings clear to her -- "
"I haven't," he whispered, eyes downcast. "Not overtly. But she's observant, if she's been paying attention, she probably already knows."
Janeway shook her head, passed a hand in front of her eyes. "Wait a minute. You haven't told her anything?"
He shook his head. "No, nothing."
"And yet you just said she's made it clear she has no interest in pursuing a relationship with you."
"That's right."
She sat back in her chair with a puzzled frown. "How can you be sure of that, if you've never told her how you feel?"
He took a long breath, suddenly unable to meet her eyes. "She has...a lover back home..."
"But we may be out here a very long time, Commander. Have you mentioned that to her?"
"Yes, but..."
"But what, Commander?" Her voice held more than just a hint of exasperation.
"There is rank involved..."
"You may outrank her, but our situation is unique. I don't think that -- "
"No..." He swallowed hard and forced himself to look up at her. "No. She outranks me."
He watched, fascinated and horrified, while the color drained from her face. "I'm sorry," he said steadily. He'd thought the confession would leave him weak, but instead he felt as though a great weight had been lifted from his soul. "I didn't want to tell you like this. I didn't want to tell you at all. But you did ask..."
"Commander, I -- "
He rose quickly, surprised that he could even manage an ironic smile. "No, there's no need to ever mention this again. I will continue to perform my duties as if this conversation had never happened." He retrieved his data padd and shook it at her lightly. "Back to these reports. I'm afraid the Captain will be very angry if they're late. See you in the morning."
"Chakotay." Her voice, soft but imperious, stopped him cold, even more abruptly than the hand that shot out and grasped his forearm. "We need to discuss this."
The weight settled over him again. "Please, not now." A small hesitation, then her hand fell away.
"All right, not now. But soon."
"Soon..." He walked quickly across the room and departed without turning back.