Many Thanks to LilyStarbuck for short-notice beta. Thank you again. For my twitter friend Nadia. -
He Didn't Know When
He didn't know when, when the want turned into the need. When the want, the desire, and almost the habit turned into whatever else, hence creating more of the habit.
It's not like he wanted it either. He didn't want any of what happened over the past 9 years to happen, but it did.
Claire Conrad Taylor. She was supposed to be with him for the rest of their lives; Claire his beautiful wife of 8 years.
She was all he had. All that kept him from being Mac Taylor, the man in the shell, the work- a -holic, the former Marine, turned cop, turned scientist.
The tragedy at the World Trade Center sent the world reeling, including Mac.
Unfortunately, it sent him right back into his shell.
He again became what Claire brought him out of, a work- a- holic. Not just that, he became so driven that sleep became a luxury instead of a necessity.
Then Stella Bonasera entered his life. Or more likely, she intruded upon his life.
She was the first person he thought of when he was asked to head the Crime Lab in Manhattan. She was tough but empathetic and, at that point, just as driven as he was.
After Claire's death and when the world was grieving, Stella took it upon her self to check in on Mac.
He didn't want her to. Hell he didn't want anyone to see him. He wanted to grieve, be angry, sulk, or whatever he was supposed to do by himself.
She'd show up unannounced which pissed him off to no end.
But she wouldn't stop, hence her being just as driven as he was.
Sometimes he'd lie to her, which wasn't easy because all she had to do was look at his face and he'd give himself away. Something he detested; her knowing him. He didn't want her knowing his secrets and potentially his hidden yearning for her.
Things became more comfortable between him and Stella. He didn't dread seeing her. Not like he had ever dreaded seeing her; but now he no longer dreaded the idea of her pushing him on whether or not he ate a decent meal or had enough sleep.
How he said he didn't need or want her to check up on him, but behind closed doors, it's exactly what he wanted….
Time passed, slowly, ever so slowly. But what Mac did notice was the way he felt.
His body didn't ache as much in the morning, he didn't fear seeing Stella or anyone else, and the cobwebs in his memory on what it felt like to be human were starting to clear.
Mac Taylor was feeling almost human, almost.
Unfortunately with the cobwebs that were cleared out of his memories came emotions. They flooded him, overwhelmed him and he detested it.
He couldn't say he hated her; instead how she made him feel. He hated feeling the things he felt and the only thing he could do was blame Stella.
He wanted to curse Stella Bonasera for entering his life like she did and how her life somehow became intertwined with his.
The mornings he woke to her in his bed not really knowing or caring how she got there.
The previous nights when he entered her soft body listening to her gasp out his name.
He didn't know when all of this happened but he did know he didn't want it to end. He had it all, everything he had long ago come to the conclusion he didn't need.
But it was ending, now she was leaving, and he wanted to hate her even more.
Hate the idea that Stella entered his life and turned it upside down without him even knowing it, this was now coming to an end.
"Are you sure you want to go to New Orleans? It's not the same you know, running your own lab," Mac offered to her in his small bathroom as they both got ready for the day.
"I have to Mac, I have to go. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. If I don't go…."
He knew she didn't have to finish the sentence.
Mac Taylor didn't know when the want turned into the need. Or the need turned into the desire…. Now he wished he could have it back.