NOTE: This story is a inspiration of the Youtuber Angry Joe's review on the critically-hated game Ride to Hell: Retribution, with a few characters from LEGO Elves. I do not own the characters, rant or content, and I only own my personal idea of this story. I love Angry Joe and LEGO Elves, so enjoy the three-part review.
Part 1 of 3
Nighttime in Elvendale, Emily Jones was sleeping with her girlfriend Sira Copperbranch at the inn, and one time during the night, Sira wakes up when she hears Emily groan half asleep, as Sira whispers, "Emily. What's wrong, my love?", making sure if her friend was okay as Emily was moving slightly, like if she's having a bad dream, saying, "You know what; I'll get you some cookies and some warm milk if you're not feeling well. I'll be back, hope you'll be okay.", Sira bravely said, going off to quickly get Emily midnight snacks for her to care for her girlfriend.
As she left to get her snacks, Emily was groaning more as we go into her dreamily mind, going to discover her nightmare of hers.
Emily sobs as we see her in a black void in her mind, saying sadly, "Oh, where am I? What were they doing to each other? So awkward...so creepy...so raw... Why, mom, why!?", before she was about to cry and shed tears, but not until the background fades from the darkness to show a similar and familiar villainous lair of her enemy.
"NO!", a familar villain said, revealing that the lair and the Shadow Fountain in the dream was in fact, and appearing in her dream, was no other but Ragana Shadowflame. "Not Mom!", devilishly said the antagonist, laughing evilly as Emily looks with horror and shock.
Emily exclaims and asked suspiciously, "Ragana! Are you stalking me in my bad dream right now?"
"That's right, Emily!", cackled Ragana. "It took me days for incantations and Shadow Fountain baths, for I have finally done it! I have summoned the ultimate shitty game! And not even anyone in this realm can't handle for such a fantastic piece of art work! BEHOLD!", she then yells, summoning the hated game which is called Ride to Hell: Retribution. She laughs evilly again, "And now that you're here in my lair, I will have you REVIEW it!", cackling continuously. "It will DESTROY you! So, Emily, REVIEW THIS GAME!"
Emily, with shock, sarcasm and nervous, answered, "No."
"...Uh...please?", Ragana hesitated.
Emily disagreed again, "...No."
"...Oh, come on, review the game, please?", the villainess pleaded.
The heroine replied, "...No."
"Oh, I worked really hard, come on!", pleaded desperately Ragana.
Emily groans and sighs, "Fine, I'll review it."
"...YEAH! Hahahahahaha! You're finished, Emily! You're never gonna make it through the review! Your spirit will be crushed, and I shall rule all of Elvendale!", cackles Ragana, hearing the answer from Emily, saying her evil plan.
Emily Jones' Angry Review of Ride to Hell: Retribution
Appearing at her Elf friends' big playhouse for her reviews on this game and some possible others in her dream, Emily starts the review, "I absolutely had to review this game. I couldn't let it escape my rage, and I'm morbidly curious, so I'll tell you anyway! To start this off, right off the bat, this fucking game makes a terrible first impression. You are awkwardly thrown into a turret segment..."
We then see footage from the beginning of Ride to Hell: Retribution, as we sawJake, the main character of the horrible game, in the turret segment, before it skips mid-way to the next parts of the montage.
Emily then continues the review, "It feels broken without any rhyme or reason, and suddenly, you're in a terrible quick time event brawl!"
Again, the review shows another footage of the first quick time brawl event, before it moves to the next part of the montage after a few button quick time moments.
"Again with no explanation. Then you're driving your bloaty-ass motorcycle, in a race reminiscent of Big Rigs or Mother Truckers, unable to do more than quick time events, as enemies materialize from thin air, from the sides, to fight you then fly off in random directions, EXPLODING for no fucking reason!", rants Emily about the beginning of the game.
We see footage of Jake driving his motorcycle as an enemy goes to the left and explodes a second later, as we hear Emily ask, "What the fuck was that?", while the footage was shown.
"It's like if the game is intentionally trying to get you to absolutely hate it's fucking guts! In the opening sequence!", the heroine ranted again.
Footage of Jake driving under a gas tanker and hitting a car, fading out and restarting at the same part again, before turning to the right and exploding the bike for no reason, was shown.
"What the fuck just happened?!", Emily asks, upset and confused, as more footage later in the start of the game was sooner after the first stage, continuing her review, "But it gets worse, much worse, never has a game earned it's namesake like Ride to FUCKING Hell has! The Retribution of my FIST into the developers' faces! The poorly written story follows Jake Conway, or Badass Biker #1, who's recently returned from his Vietnam War to his uncle and his little brother.", before more footage showing Jake and his brother reuniting in a cutscene of the game. "Uuuggghh...the game makes an attempt...to have you bond with him, as you ride on the open road together, in sequences so poor, you swear you were playing in early Alpha!", she continues her rant.
Jake racing with his motorcycle through a construction site to catch up with his brother was shown in footage of the game just then.
"The graphics: muddy, low-rez, angular, and looking like something straight off an early XBOX ONE. ONE! As in the original.", said Emily. "All is horrid, I mean, well, until a bunch of rival bikers show up to kill you both.", she then says, as a cutscene was shown of what Emily plotted during the review, saying next in her review, "If you haven't noticed by now, the voice acting in this game, IS SOME OF THE WORST I'VE EVER FUCKING EXPERIENCED!"
A cutscene with one of the characters' voice acting in a part of the game with the character at the entrance of a silver casino.
Emily then says, "No. No. Scratch that; It is the worst fucking voice acting EVER.", before a cutscene of a later part of the game with an example of the bad voice acting was shown, as the girl continues, "Even the worst dub job, in the Japanese games I play, have more emotion and believability, than the sorry excuse for voice overs here.", as footage from another game of Japanese descent was shown. "It's as if all the lines were recorded in the BATHROOM of the studio by unpaid interns!", the heroine comments about the bad voice-acting.
Another scene in the game with the same from earlier was shown, but edited with sounds in the bathroom, as Emily was heard apologizing for the bathroom sounds.
"In fact y'all immediately notice that it's not just the voice-acting, but nearly all the sound design in the game. When you fuck up the bike sound effects in your goddamn biker game, you know you done FUCKED IT UP!", ranted Emily, as then, a scene shows Jake and his little brother driving together on motorcycles on the open road at nighttime, but the sounds of the motorcycles makes the speech during the scene barely hearable, as Emily was says, "It's literally the same tone once you hit 40 miles per hour, and you can't hear shit when they talk."
The same cutscene with the two on their motorcycles continues, as Emily was heard saying, "I can't he- What? I can't hear you! Our-our bikes! The sounds, the bikes, they suck ass! ...Huh? I said our game sucks ass!"
Emily says next, "So many other sounds in the game are just straight-out missing. The cutscenes are eerily quiet because of it.", as a quiet cutscene of the game is shown. "And many things in the game that should have sounds, slamming into things when you're driving or cars driving by in the distance, have no sound whatsoever. And the sounds that are there, sound like they come from a generic library, or worse, hell, I can even go to freesounddotorg, and find superior clips than what's in this fucking game. So anyway, after your brother is murdered, and you are shot and left for dead, it's time to magically reappear with no explanation, and go out for your revenge. Over the course of 37 broken, boring, repetitive, mind-numbingly dull missions!"
A cutscene was shown with Jake after killing one of the rival bikers that killed his brother, his yell heard a couple times edited-ly.
"Now originally pegged for release in 2009, this thing has been in development since 2008! The Ride to Hell series, it's been cancelled, pushed back, revived, numerous times, and it should've stayed fucking cancelled. The game was supposed to be, an open-world biker game, in the backdrop of the 1960's, you'll get to explore the open world in the western part of the United States, working your way through the ranks of a tough motorcycle gang. That sounds cool, only what we got here, is in a boarded desperately cobbled-together pretender, it's like a dead fucking carcus, taped back together, and presented to us as if it was still alive!", said and ranted Emily.
And after a small clip of a Jim Carrey movie was shown representing the disappointment of the horribly-reviewed game, Emily continued, "The worst fucking part is they think they can make a franchise out of this. Yeah! In May 20, 2013, Deep Silver was quoted by saying, "It's not something that everyone will like, definitely not. We're going to have people who even hate it. But we know we're going to have a lot of fans as well. A lot of people will love it. A lot of people will laugh! It's going to be an exciting thing."", before the girl then bursts with rage, "NO! NO IT'S FUCKING NOT! NOBODY'S LAUGHING!"
Before the end of the first part of the review, Ragana Shadowflame hears this review as of now, laughing evilly in her antagonistic entertainment back at her lair. "You're too funny, Emily! Hahahaha! Let it suck your spirit! That's right, Emily! You can't resist it! You've started now, you can't finish! Until you're destroyed!", she cackled her evil plan before the first part of the review ends.
To be continued...