Promises
Summary: She never was the person to promise things recklessly and she never will be. The ones she has made, she can count on her ten fingers.
Warnings: Angst. Not specifically referring to any episode, though it features my hunch on what might happen after - yeah, you read it right - episode 17. Since I haven´t seen any since then. I know.
Disclaimer: No copyrightinFringement intended.
If there is something little Olivia has learned in her childhood it´s the fact that promises can be broken.
Nothing is is unchangeable. Nothing is eternal.
Nothing in this world.
She knows it when her stepfather smashes his fist into her stomach, her ribcage, her face and then promises her he didn´t mean any harm to her.
She knows it when her mother sobs and pleads for her not to hate him and promises he won´t hurt her again.
She knows it when her teacher promises to talk to her father and doesn´t even make it through the door, let alone to the police.
When she´s fifteen, she promises something to herself.
She doesn´t know how the rest of the world deals with promises. But because she has been growing up the way she is, and because she has been confronted with broken promises throughout her childhood, she swears herself she´ll never, ever give a promise she can´t keep.
Never.
Nobody notices. She never was the person to promise things recklessly and she never will be. The ones she has made, she can count on her ten fingers:
She would always be there for Ella and Rachel and anyone who would hurt them would pay dearly. (She knows she can´t promise to never let anyone hurt them. That´s impossible. But she swears she won´t be the one to hurt them again, either.)
She would forgive John. She would remember him as the man she knew, the kind, humorous man who won her heart and her soul.
(She knows she won´t forget he betrayed her. But somehow, the pain has drawn back. She won´t forgive him for dying before he could ask her to marry him, either, but she pushes back the thought as soon as it comes up.)
She would do her best to save the world. She´ll fight and run and hunt and do whatever possible so the universe – her universe – will see another morning. Again and again.
(She knows she can´t promise to save the world. She´s just a single, weak woman. She can just do her best. She can swear to fight, to not give up, to go on.)
But this time, it´s different.
She curls up on her sofa, trying to make herself as small as possible. She wants to vanish into thin air, to disappear, to stop feeling. She wants time to turn back, to eradicate choices made long ago and the very day. The words slip from her lips, fall from them like fervent prayers that go unheard by anyone. She repeats the words, over and over, again and again, searching for truth in them, desperately looking for solace and not finding any.
Deep down in her heart, she knows this is the one promise she can never, never ever make come true, the single promise she can never keep. It´s impossible. She can´t even imagine it.
Still, she repeats the words as if repeating meant believing after some time. She repeats them, trying to make herself believe her own words, trying to make herself believe in her own, untenable promise. She has to. If she doesn´t believe in her own words, she can´t believe in anything. She can´t believe in anyone.
Nobody listens to her prayers. Promises can be broken. No promise is eternal. Neither his nor hers. He was the one to break his first.
I won´t go away.
Now she´s breaking hers the same time she utters it.
It will be fine. It will be fine. It will be fine. I will be fine without you.