Puberty Sucks
by Nikki Little
It took awhile, but I eventually gathered all the ingredients to the shrinking potion and brought them back to the Gnome Elder. After he condensed the formula for me, I took off for the observatory. After subduing a few more foes, I ran up to the platform next to the telescope, threw the switch for the portal to Wonderland Woods, and contemplated a good, stiff swig. Ah, alcohol! I could smell the odor. I not only got to shrink, I got to experience my first sweet moment of drunkenness. After fighting my way through the skool, I felt I deserved it. Was I ever in for a surprise. Down the hatch!
I shrank. My clothes did not. Bugger. Most inconvenient. The bottle broke when I shrank, and the liquid on the floor was just enough to shrink my knife, cards, and croquet mallet. Demon die? I had to leave it behind. Useless piece of wood, anyway. Who cares? My clothes, apron, and shoes, however... Aye! I was going to have to arrive in Wonderland Woods au naturel. Most embarrassing.
I went through the portal and immediately caught up with the White Rabbit. He eyed me with a serious amount of dismay and immediately stated, "We've got to get you some clothes. I don't have any for you, but I know how you can get some." It seemed that the Mock Turtle needed his shell back from the Duchess. And I needed her clothes. Her old bag clothes. Better than nothing, I suppose. That breeze in Wonderland Woods was a mite chilly. The White Rabbit lent me an ill fitting suit which was better than nothing, and off I went to essentially fight the Duchess for her clothes. What? You thought I fought her for the Mock Turtle's shell? I ain't that generous.
The Duchess turned out to be most stubborn. She wasn't going to part with the Mock Turtle's shell. She wasn't going to give me a dress, either. Well, hell. "Guess I'll have to kill her," I thought. The Duchess turned out to be quite a speedy old bag and it was no easy task to kill her. Eventually she went down after I nailed her for about the eighth time with a jackbomb that was oh-so-conveniently available on an open shelf along the walls of her cabin. Nice of her to provide me with a weapon to dispatch her. The Turtle got back his shell, I got some baggy, two-sizes-too-large old lady dresses, and the White Rabbit got me for a house guest. He didn't seem to mind.
The months in Wonderland Woods went by quickly, and the number of bodies I left lying around were increasingly stinking up the place. It's easy to develop a nasty temper when you're running around barefoot. A girl develops an appetite after a hard day of slaying army ants, ant lions, blood roses, ladybugs, and other assorted nasties. It's a good thing that there was no money in Wonderland. If the White Rabbit had had to pay for what I ate, I would have eaten the poor dear out of house and home. After turning the Centipede into the Wonderland equivalent of a holiday dinner --and his suit into a crude pair of shoes, it was finally time for me to grow back to my normal size. With the White Rabbit and the Mock Turtle keeping me company, I rubbed my weapons, shoes, and clothes down with the "Mushroom of Life," as Caterpillar called it, and then took a few bites for myself. My weapons grew back to their normal size and so did I, but for some reason my clothes -- old bag clothes from the Duchess -- stayed the same size. Who knows why. Once again, I arrived in a new place au naturel. The shoes didn't grow, either. They split like paper. Barefoot and naked again. Bugger.
That new place was known as the Land of Fire and Ice. Cheshire popped up to enjoy the view. I hadn't realized yet that I actually had anything worth staring at. Did he ever stare! Thanks to a few conveniently placed signs, I quickly found my way to Caterpillar's Oracle Cave after leaving a few more stinking bodies lying around. My habit of leaving smelly corpses behind everywhere I went had won me the sobriquet of "Skunk Girl." Beats my old name of "Scatterbrain". People said that pieces of my mind were lying around all over Wonderland. I didn't realize until much later that it was literally true. Anyway, old "Squishboy" -- that's what I called Caterpillar because he was such a smooshy layabout -- blew a portal for me back to the Observatory in the skool. I went through, snatched my clothes and all-important shoes, and came back through. Caterpillar eyed the dress and then me and looked rather nervous. He had noticed something I had not. I pulled the dress down over my head and it got stuck. I yanked it down, and, well -- you know what happened. The appetite I had developed in Wonderland Woods wasn't the only thing that had developed. My dress split in four places. Chest, both hips, butt -- I was sticking out in four places. Caterpillar laughed hysterically. "Put on little weight, Alice?" he snickered. Maybe I shouldn't have teased him about being so smooshy.
Anyway, old Caterpillar blew a portal for me back to the Gnome Village -- right to the front door of his tailor. The tailor's wife, amidst much snickering, quickly cut me four new dresses and informed me that one was a size bigger than my current size and another was two sizes bigger. I protested, but she said, "Trust me, honey, you'll need that eight and ten eventually. Puberty ain't through with you, yet." I went back to Caterpillar's Oracle Cave via the portal which stayed open until I returned, and started to practice my knife throwing. A new dilemma stared me in the face -- literally. Just how the hell was I supposed to quick-draw my knife with these things on my chest in the way? Puberty sucks. Riiiiiiiiippppp!
The End
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This story is based on the characters created by created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the copyrights.
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It was an accident! I was asleep when I wrote it! I swear I'll take it down after everybody flames it. Aw, hell. Read it and enjoy. Wonder if I should rate it "M." --Nikki Little