My Perfect Little Wife
This first chapter is just to test the idea. Please read the author's note at the end if you want to know why. If anyone likes it, please take the time to review. This is, after all, my first ever fanfic, so comments and feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks.
Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina or Sasaki Makie from Mahou Sensei Negima. They are properties of their rightful owners, Akamatsu Ken and Tokyo Pop. In no way do I profit from this story. I'm only writing it to settle a bet and have a little fun while I'm at it ;p.
Proofread, by force, by Apocalypse Alchemist, Zenithos, and everyone else who had put me up to this bet. Oh, Beyond the Bounds proofread too, just for fun, he claimed. My thanks to them, for without them, there wouldn't be a story to proofread anyway. Also, thanks to BTB who guided me through publishing the story.
Notes:
Dana-sama: My Darling/honey/ any other form of endearment towards a husband.
Chibi: Small, child-like form.
Chapter 1: My Husband
Urashima Keitaro, 20 year old Toudai retaker, dorm manager, and, not to mention, constant human pinball, had had a really long and arduous day at the cram school, and was looking forwards to a long cool off in his room.
"I'm home…" He called out, to no one in particular. He knew nobody cared…well, perhaps Shinobu, but nobody else.
"Ah! Welcome home, dana-sama!" A cute little voice said from below.
At first his brain only registered the words at a subconscious level. Then the thought moved its way slowly upwards to his brain. The thought made a few knocks on his main thought processing centre, waited for a bit, then hammered at it in an irritable way, before someone finally slouched over to the door and opened. The 'someone' inside the main thought processing centre collapsed from pure shock as it received the message, and alerted the main instincts centre to take over just before it passed out.
The main instincts centre merely decided to just verify what it had just heard and told the entire head to turn downwards and see the source of the voice.
Keitaro, whose head was boiling from overwork, obeyed and looked down. There, on the verandah, was a young teenage girl in what seemed to be a white contemporary maid's dress, kneeling in welcome. She had light pink hair, tied into two cute short ponytails with two kitty bell shaped hair ornaments.
Keitaro readjusted his glasses a bit and squinted down at the girl, who smiled back up at him cheerfully. He took of his glasses, wiped them on his shirt, before putting them back on. She was still there. He then proceeded to shut his eyes for moments at a time before re-opening them. She was still there each and every time he opened his eyes.
"Uhh…what exactly did you just call me?" Keitaro asked.
"Dana-sama! You are my husband, after all." The girl said.
"I…I'm not married…" Keitaro said, weakly, his brain now working on auxiliary power. His brain must be playing tricks on him. It was the fatigue. Heck, it was all that calculus. He knew it would get him someday. He kicked off his shoes and walked in past the girl, who continued to look up at him with admiring eyes.
She suddenly leapt up and hugged Keitaro around the waist. "Dana-sama! Aren't you happy to see me?"
"Wh…what?" Keitaro sighed, looking around. "Look…I'm a little tired. If Mitsune put you up to this, you can go back and tell her it's not funny…" But the girl seemed far too busy to hear him. She was busier snuggling into the small of his back.
"…you're home." The cool, drawn-out voice of Haruka came from the living room. Keitaro looked in and found her sitting in the living room. He approached, glad for a source of some form of logic and reason.
"Uhh…Haruka-san…who's this kid?" Keitaro asked, pointing down at the girl who was still hugging Keitaro tightly.
"She is, as it seems, your wife." Haruka said, her face a stone wall.
Keitaro, his brain far too dead to register any more nonsense, merely went, "Wha…?"
"I said, she's your wife. You're her husband. Is that too difficult to comprehend?" Haruka asked. Keitaro frowned slightly as he tried to process this in his already sluggish mind. The thought of dropping dead on the sofa kept on replaying in his mind, but he fought a savage war for control against the more ancient parts of his brain. He resolved to searching Haruka's face for any signs of jokes or hoaxes. Nope. It was as impenetrable as ever.
He then noticed 3 men dressed in black, complete with sunglasses and black mobster hats, sitting opposite Haruka.
"Uhh…your friends, Haruka-san?" Keitaro asked, wondering if these people had anything to do with the yakuza. Knowing Haruka, Keitaro was ready to bet on that.
"Urashima Keitaro, pleased to make you acquaintance." One of the men said, standing up and gasping his unresisting hand and giving it a strong handshake. "I'm the father of Urashima Makie, your wife." Keitaro subconsciously labeled this one as Man A.
"It's a real honour to finally meet you, Urashima Keitaro." Another man said, standing up and taking Keitaro's hand. "I'm also Urashima Makie's father." Keitaro's mind labeled him as Man B, or rather, Papa B, and corrected his first label to Papa A.
"It's a pleasure, Urashima Keitaro." Another man said heartily, shaking Keitaro's hand firmly. "I'm the proud father of Urashima Makie." Right, Papa C.
"Err…Urashima Makie?" Keitaro asked.
"That's me, dana-sama!" The girl said, squeezing Keitaro tightly.
"I'm married?" Keitaro asked, groggily. His entire brain had shut down amidst the introductions. Now it was his tongue doing the thinking, with perhaps a little help from his vocal chords.
"Yes." The three men answered.
"And she's my wife?" Keitaro continued.
"That is a fact." The three men chorused.
"Oh…ok then…then it's all fine…" Keitaro said, walking off sleepily with Makie at his side, smiling a cute little smile as she hung onto Keitaro's arm. Haruka and the three men watched him go quietly.
A few minutes later there was a crash before Keitaro came running back down to the living room with Makie dragged along behind him, her arms still entangled around Keitaro's.
"I'M MARRIED?!" Keitaro asked again, bellowing this time. His face was a mix of shock, incredulity, exasperation, and, quite possibly, constipation.
"Yes." The three men said again, patiently.
"Yes. I think we've established that." Haruka said calmly. "And we thought you were ok with it."
"OK WITH IT?!" Keitaro shouted. "AND SHE'S MY WIFE?!" Keitaro asked, pulling Makie off him and holding her out. Due to anime imperatives, she had somehow turned into a very small chibi form which allowed Keitaro to hold her out.
"That is a fact." The three men chorused again. "It's a simple concept. Not at all hard to grasp." Papa A added.
"HEY!" Keitaro shouted. "I DIDN'T EVEN SAY 'I DO' OR ANYTHING ELSE TO THAT EFFECT! I DIDN'T OFFER ANY RINGS, SIGN ANY DOCUMENTS, CUT ANY CAKES…HECK, I'VE BEEN SINGLE ALL MY LIFE!"
"Well, congratulations. You're no longer single." Papa B said, giving him a thumbs up.
"This isn't a game!" Keitaro shouted. "I've only met her today. How can she be my wife? I never agreed to anything!" Keitaro said, this time, slightly slower, in case anyone missed what he had just screamed out before.
"Oh…you did." Papa C said, taking out a piece of paper. "You did agree to having a wife."
"WHAT?!" Keitaro took the piece of paper from the man and read through it. "This was a questionnaire form from a magazine!" Keitaro shouted, exasperated. "It was from this….err…well…popular men's magazine." Keitaro said, blushing, swinging the piece of paper around.
"Dana-sama…" Makie looked up at him adoringly "You're so cute when you blush…". Keitaro flinched as the cute eyes effect took its toll on him.
Keitaro averted his eyes from her, with some difficulty, and got back to the subject. "But…but…this questionnaire, it only asked me what kind of a girl would be perfect for me!" Keitaro shouted. He remembered why he even filled it in. It was just because he was so frustrated and angry after getting roughly beaten around over another misunderstanding by the tenants. He had filled in the questionnaire with everything the other tenants weren't or didn't have, even hair colour. Realization dawned on him as he noticed for the first time that Makie's hair colour was pink…he shook off these thoughts and dismissed them as being utterly silly, just as the whole thing was.
"But here, it says, that you'd marry this girl of your dreams." Papa A said, indicating one of the questions on the questionnaire, which Keitaro had marked 'yes'. "Makie is exactly as you described her in the questionnaire. Is there anything you don't like about her?"
"Well…" Keitaro gave Makie a thorough external appraisal. "…The fact that she looks seriously underage?" Keitaro said. It was true. Makie looked as if she was only 13 or 14 years old.
The three men stared at him for a moment, then at Makie, who seemed a bit confused, then down at the questionnaire. They looked at one another, coughed dryly, then smiled up at Keitaro.
"Err…yes, there was a slight problem…" Papa A said.
"A bug, if you please." Papa B said.
"It's just that though every other part of the project was successful, she, somehow, failed to grow past the age of 14." Papa C explained, smiling a really tense smile.
"But, she's still your wife, I mean, the documents are right here." Papa A said, offering Keitaro a legal looking document. Keitaro scanned through it and found that it was a marriage contract, signed and stamped by the local court. His signature was, strangely, there too.
"So she is…" Keitaro nodded. Then he shook his head violently and shouted, "HEY! I don't even remember signing this!"
"You agreed to it by signing the questionnaire." Papa B said.
"I was wondering about that…what kind of questionnaire requires you to sign anything?" Keitaro said, thoughtfully, before shaking his head again. "HEY! The whole thing's just a load of…" He shouted, before he paused with another thoughtful look, which rather resembled someone remembering a particularly painful bowel movement. "…wait…did you people say…she stopped growing at the age of 14? And what project is this you're talking about?"
"Classified information." The three men said simultaneously, with large grins on their faces. Makie cocked her head to one side in curiosity.
Keitaro, on the other hand, slammed his fists down on the table. "What classified information?! You expect me to just swallow all this willingly without any explanations?!"
"Ok…I guess we can tell you this." Papa A said. "We are government agents. This whole thing is a government project. Since you were the only one to send back the questionnaire, we chose you to be our candidate for this highly ambitious project." He explained.
"Unfortunately, we are unable to divulge anything more." Papa B said. "Sorry, Keitaro-kun."
"B…but…but…I can't get married…My mother and father would never agree to this." Keitaro said. He could already see that he was fighting a losing battle, especially since this was the government he was fighting. But he refused to give up without a fight. They're going to have to drag him into this kicking and screaming.
"You're not getting married. You're ALREADY married." Papa C said. "Besides, your father and mother had already given us their consent."
"Wh…what?!" Keitaro shouted in disbelief. "Th…they agreed?!"
"Apparently, your parents were given life-long free life insurances, a slide on their mortgage, not to mention a hefty tax break." Haruka said.
"Your aunt agreed to it too." Papa A added.
"H…HARUKA-SAN!" Keitaro shouted, feeling betrayed. Haruka merely coughed. All those offers, including free tobacco taxes, were far too good to pass up.
"Live with it, nephew." Was all Haruka said, before standing up. "Congratulations on your marriage. I wish you both a happy, fruitful life." She said, leaving, doing her best to seem as if she couldn't care less about all the incentives.
"We'll check up on you two again some other time. Good luck!" Papa A said.
"Bye Papas!" Makie shouted cheerfully, waving them goodbye.
"Bye, Makie-chan. Take care, all right?" Papa B said.
"Do your best, Makie-chan." Papa C said, as he left.
They all left Keitaro and Makie standing at the doorstep. Makie was still smiling cheerfully, as if nothing is or, indeed, can go wrong with the world. Keitaro, on the other hand, was wearing an expression of utter disbelief. What was happening to him? How on earth could this have happened?
He swore he'd never fill out questionnaires ever again.
Heck, he swore he'd never read….'popular men's magazines' ever again.
"Now…how on earth am I supposed to explain this to the others?" Keitaro sighed, feeling abandoned by the world to his fate.
"Don't worry, Dana-sama. Everything will be completely fine." Makie said optimistically, cuddling Keitaro as they went back in.
"Listen. I will never acknowledge this! None of this could be true!" Keitaro shouted. "Not to mention, you're seriously underage!" He pointed out.
"Hmm?" Makie again cocked her head to one side in confusion.
"Oh…here they come now…" Keitaro said, as he heard footsteps up on the stairs. Any moment now, all hell was going to break loose.
"KEITARO!" A number of voice screamed.
Keitaro sighed. It was the perfect end to a perfect day…
To be continued, if anyone's interested.
Author's note: How was the idea for this really weird fanfic conceived?
This is an extremely, extremely stupid idea our circle of writers suddenly had. It was originally Apocalypse Alchemist's silly little idea for a fanfic that he got as we were watching this really funny romance anime after going through the entire series of Love Hina Again. We, Zenithos, Apocalypse Alchemist, a few other anime-loving writers, and I, Eternity Incarnate, talked it over jokingly for a few minutes, then made a bet (not a particularly serious one, mind you), then played rock papers and scissors. Beyond the Bounds was there as well but he was amongst the few who just laughed off the idea. The result of the bet? I was put up to writing it.
To be honest, I've never written fanfics before. So far, I've pretty much been a short story and magazine article writer. But, in keeping with the bet…well…
I swear I'll never lose at Rock, Papers, and Scissors ever again! But, truth be told, this was kind of fun. Now I know what BTB and Zenithos always go on about when they talk about their fanfics. haha.