Debriefing the Boxers
A fanfiction of The Avengers.
Pepper Potts and Natasha Romanov go on a fact finding mission to find out the age old question: boxers or briefs?
Inspired by: The Avengers Head Canons Tumblr numbers 275 and 521. .
Disclaimer: I own two tickets stubs to The Avengers as well as a DVD and Blu-Ray of it. Otherwise, I own nothing and I am only borrowing from Marvel and Disney. In light of this, my dear corporations do not sue a poor, not so innocent, soulless writer such as myself. I don't think you want my busted up guitar. NO! Not the LOTR poster! NO!
PG/K+ – Because hey, there's underwear.
A/N: I wrote this because a group of my friends decided to write fanfiction for the summer, each of us for a certain fandom. This is what I wrote.
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In general, neither Pepper Potts nor Natasha Romanov believed in frivolous inquiries. Pepper was busy enough with Tony Stark's whims. Natasha was in such strange work in the first place, she needed to be as grounded as possible.
On this day, however, Pepper and Natasha did not have any pressing matters to attend. They were both under orders to spend a day relaxing. Pepper and Natasha did not take this well.
"JARVIS," Pepper said, "Are you sure there is no way for me to access my work?"
"Yes, ma'am. Mr. Stark has had your access blocked for the day. He wishes for you to spend a day in complete relaxation with no work to worry you," JARVIS said.
Pepper sighed and sat on the large couch in the TV room. She flipped through the several thousand channels but found that it was filled with reality TV shows, golf, Disney reruns, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Despite having a fondness for Twilight Sparkle, she could not bring herself to watch any of the above and went in search of a good book.
On the way to the library, Pepper ran into Natasha carrying a load of laundry. Some of the clothes tumbled out of the basket. "Oh, sorry Natasha."
"It's not a problem Pepper," Natasha said.
Pepper bent down to pick up the dropped laundry and found a Captain America set of briefs and boxers in the mix of female apparel. "Are these yours?" Pepper asked.
"No, they're Clint's," Natasha said, "He is even more exhausted then I am, so I decided to do his laundry for him."
"We have a service to clean the laundry," Pepper said as she walked along with Natasha back to Natasha's room.
"It is a task I like to do myself. I like to make sure my own, civilian clothes smell like how I want them to smell," Natasha said.
"Well, that makes sense," Pepper said, "I think Tony was given some Captain America boxers as a gag gift from Rhodey. He doesn't wear it. He prefers briefs."
"Clint wears boxers, generally," Natasha said, "Though he does wear briefs occasionally."
"And of course, Bruce wears boxers," Pepper said, "He has to have something that stretches for the Other Guy."
Natasha nodded at this. "I wonder if… nah. It's silly."
"What?" Pepper asked. They reached Natasha's room and Natasha began making separate piles for her and Clint's clothes.
"I was wondering if Bruce owned a set of Captain America underwear," Natasha said.
"Now that would be funny," Pepper said.
"I know it's stupid to wonder about it, but you never know when it might come in handy to know if someone wears boxers or briefs. I knew once that a… well, it was very important to know that a certain man wore boxers and not briefs on one of my missions," Natasha said.
The wheels in Pepper's head began to turn. It was amazing what the human mind would do for entertainment when it needed something to do. "Well, Natasha, if it is important for your safety, I think we should find out if the boys wear boxers or briefs. I mean, it is a serious issue. I need to know in case there is an underwear shortage."
Natasha gave a "look" to Pepper. "Are you that bored?"
"I am not bored. I just need to do something useful," Pepper said.
Natasha ignored the laundry and grabbed Pepper by the hand. "Let's find out… for future reference."
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Pepper stuck her head into the lab where Bruce and Tony were working. "Do I want to know what you are doing?" Pepper asked.
"It's nothing to worry about Pepper," Tony said, "We're just adding some extra protection to the suit."
"Against gamma radiation," Bruce added, "And Tony is wondering how long it takes to roast various foods with his boosters."
Tony poked Bruce with a screwdriver. "That is not going to go over well."
"Sadly, this is not the most frivolous thing I have seen him use the suit for," Pepper said, "There was this one time, we were at this party and these Victoria's Secret models came up and…"
Alarm beeps went off in the lab. "Another time!" Tony said as he and Bruce worked at putting out a fire started by Butterfingers.
Pepper rolled her eyes at this but texted Natasha, "Bruce is occupied."
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Up two levels from the lab was Bruce Banner's room. By the door was Natasha, who was working on opening the door.
JARVIS said, "Ms. Romanov, are you certain that this is the best use for your day off?"
"Why aren't you setting off the alarms?" Natasha asked.
"Because even an A.I. likes to be amused at times," JARVIS said, "And Ms. Potts approves of this activity. Would you like me to open the door for you?"
Natasha glared at the camera. "You could have said that sooner."
The door slid open silently and Natasha walked into Bruce's bedroom. It was a simple room with clean lines. There were many books on gamma radiation, physics, meditation, anger management, and some comic books. Natasha walked over to the chest of drawers.
The second drawer to the top contained the underwear. It mainly consisted of plain boxers, except for a pair of Captain America boxers. Natasha quickly left the room.
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Pepper was in charge of Thor Odinson's room. Thor was off in New Mexico with Jane Foster. The only thing standing in Pepper's way of getting the information was if Thor packed up all his underwear... if a demi-god needed underwear.
Thor's room was covered in books, movies, magazines, and empty boxes of pop tarts. Pepper then attempted to traverse the room without falling on her face. She failed at this at least three times. Finally, she reached the chest of drawers and found almost no clothing in any of them, especially not underwear. Pepper then checked the closet and several packets of underwear fell on her head. It consisted mainly of Captain America, but there was at least one packet of Iron Man, the Hulk, and one for-some-odd-reason-purple Hawkeye boxers.
As she put away the packages, she saw that all of the Captain America underwear said that the proceeds would go to the Phillip Coulson Foundation. She smiled as she remember how Tony insisted that at least some of the merchandise go to help families of people like Coulson who died trying to save the world. Pepper quickly put back the rest of the underwear and quietly left the room.
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"So, what is the verdict?" Pepper asked.
"As mentioned before, Bruce wears boxers, but the new information is that it includes Captain America themed boxers," Natasha said as she chopped up some fruit for a smoothie.
Pepper laughed. "Thor has them too, but he also seems to have some of Iron Man, the Hulk, and purple Hawkeye ones."
"Oh no, not the purple ones," Natasha laughed in a way that could almost be considered a giggle if it were not coming from one of the deadliest assassins in history, "Clint has been trying to get that bad batch destroyed for weeks now."
"That leaves only one person" Pepper said.
"Our most difficult mission objective," Natasha said in mock seriousness.
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Steve Rogers was working over a punching bag. The punching bag did not last five minutes. Natasha and Pepper cautiously snuck away from the gym and to Steve's room.
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"Steve has hidden his underwear better than Thor did," Pepper said.
Natasha started laughing hysterically. "Natasha, what's wrong? Did Steve release laughing gas in here?"
"What was…the name… of Steve's… team?" Natasha gasped.
"Umm… the Howling Commandos?" Pepper asked. Then she gasped what she just said. Then she started laughing just as hysterically as Natasha.
"Ms. Romanov, Ms. Potts, what are you doing in my room?" Steve asked.
The women looked at Steve and tried to stifle their laughter, but failed. Steve began to turn a very deep shade of red.
"We're… so… sorry… Steve," Pepper said, gasping for breath.
"We… just… wanted… to find out…" Natasha continued, "If you had… some… Captain America… underwear."
Steve's face became even redder. "Ladies, I do not see why you would need to know that?"
Pepper finally regained her ability to breath. "It was just a curiosity. You see, everyone else has at least one Captain America underwear. We just wanted to see if the man himself owned one."
Steve covered his mouth. "Ms. Potts, I am afraid I did not even know those were being sold, for one. Also, I am not like Tony and own every single product made about me."
Pepper and Natasha nodded to each other and gave Steve a hug. "You are adorable," the two women said. They each gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, "We're sorry Steve."
"You're forgiven," Steve said, still red, but a bit more relaxed.
The women then exited the room, their curiosity satisfied. Natasha went to her room to clean her personal weapons. Pepper visited Bruce and Tony in the lab, where they were cleaning up the ashes of what used to be a chicken. Natasha, Pepper, JARVIS, and Steve never spoke of the incident again… until Tony introduced Steve to Everclear, the drink with the highest alcohol content in the world. Even Steve's metabolism couldn't handle it.
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A/N: According to Wikipedia, Everclear is the drink with the highest alcohol content.
Have a nice day.