1. Heart and Home
Portwenn? London? Where to make my home? Questions, questions, questions. A scientist, a surgeon, can get the required answers by asking the right questions. Human affairs are not so clear cut. The right questions can be hard to find, and the answers difficult to see.
Louisa is home now. But I can't say she is at home. She sleeps in James Henry's room. We take some meals together. Quietly. Politely. No cross words. We walk our way around each other. Unspoken words and unasked questions hover about us like a fog.
Louisa knocked on my door tonight.
"Martin?" she said.
"Yes Louisa."
"Martin, can I come in?"
"Yes, Louisa."
"Martin, I'm not disturbing you, am I?"
"No Louisa."
"Martin, I would like to...I would like to spend the night here...spend the night here with you."
"Yes Louisa. I'm your husband. Of course you can, if you want."
She shed her sleeping clothes and slipped under the covers. Her warmth and scent aroused me.
"Louisa?"
"Yes Martin?"
"Are you sure? Are you sure about tonight? I mean, we don't want to go back..."
"Martin" she said softly, warmly.
"...we don't want to go back to the way it was..."
She quieted my questions with kisses.
She fell asleep in my arms tonight. It was like the first time. No, it was better. It was like finding the porch lamp lit after wandering long in a fog. I fell asleep with her in my arms tonight.
Portwenn or London? Questions, questions. I know the answer, now. I know my answer now. The fog is broken and the answer is plain to see. The only place I care to call my home is in her heart.