"What the bloody hell does 'fangs' mean?"
"Well, Ron, a fang is any long, hollow, or grooved poison-injecting tooth, usually belonging to a venomous snake or-"
"I mean in this context, 'Mione, I know what a bloody fang is."
"Oh, this letter," Hermione Granger apprehensively lifted up a black piece of parchment with pink ink scribbled on it in a way that would drive any self-respecting author, or any user of the grand English language, up the wall. "Well, I'm assuming it's a letter."
"How can you assume anything about this at all when the longest sentence on this thing is about makeup?"
"Be nice, Ronald."
"To who? Some other fan of Harry's who doesn't even know how to spell?" Hermione sighed and looked at the black, lacy envelope the letter came in, a very strangely coloured envelope to be chosen for a fan letter. She had been personally appointed by none other than herself, since Harry was very insistent on not needing her help, to organize Harry's mail and to protect him from probing, barraging fan mail, howlers, and any other letters Harry would probably ignore that may actually hold some importance. Sadly, the one in Hermione's hands didn't fit into any of the categories, mainly because she couldn't understand any of it.
"Ron, do you know who Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way is?
"Ha, that is totally a made-up name, Herm."
"That's how the letter starts though... Did you read it?"
"No. The pink hurts my eyes. I just read the beginning where it says 'fangs'."
"Dear Vampire, fangs for the help. Get it, 'cus I'm gothic. You're super-hot. I'm, super-hot too-"
"Wow, she's modest-wait, are you actually gonna read all of it?"
"I'm reading it again. I read it once but I didn't understand any of it before... Do you think she means 'thanks' when she says 'fangs'?"
"I don't care, 'Mione. Why are you reading it?"
"I'm just not sure what it means."
"Just throw it away, I'm sure it's not important. It's not even addressed to Harry, it says 'Vampire'-"
"Do you think there's a vampire in Hogwarts?"
"Cool it, Herm! I never said that. Why are you so paranoid-" The dorm door slammed shut and an irritated-sounding sigh resonated throughout the Gryffindor common room. Hermione and Ron turned their heads to watch as an exhausted Harry slumped into a couch near the fireplace, where they were standing in front of.
"Oh, mate, where did you go after double potions?" Ron asked, unable to decided whether Harry will explode or drift asleep. Harry did neither.
"The loo, in order to bang my head against the wall," That response wrenched Hermione's full attention away from the badly-written letter she was holding.
"Why? What happened, Harry?"
"Do you remember my potion's partner?"
"Obi Wank Enobi?" Ron snickered, earning himself a glare from Hermione. "What?"
"I happen to like Star Wars."
"Star Wars? What's that?"
"It's a muggle movie series, Ron. I'm going to sleep if you don't want to hear anymore-"
"Sorry mate, what about Enobi?" Hermione glared at him again, but Ron turned his attention to his tired best friend.
"She is worse than Goyle is at potions."
"Whoa!" "Harry, don't be so rude!" Ron and Hermione exclaimed as Harry started to massage his forehead.
"I mean it, and I have this freaking bruise on my head to prove it."
"But you did well on the potion today, Harry."
"Yeah, because I was trying twice as hard to ignore everything that came out of her mouth. She kept on talking about how she looked like some person named Amy Lee. Bet it was her grandmother."
"Er, Harry, is her real name actually Enobi?" Hermione inquired, not remembering anyone in their seventh year-"eighth" year for them-class with such a name.
"I don't want to talk about her anymore-oh fuck, did you actually read that?" Harry snatched the letter out of Hermione's hands.
"Yeah, do you know why it was addressed to 'Vampire'-Harry! What are you doing?" Harry immediately shredded the letter into pieces and proceeded to throw all of it into the fire.
"I told you to throw it away Herm, it's not important," Harry slumped back into the couch, looking a bit more content after his previous actions. "Anyway, the letter is addressed to me. I just happened to cut my finger while chopping up the bat wings and she decided to think I was a vampire because I 'sucked blood'."
Ron guffawed into a huge laughing fit that had him sinking to the rug. Hermione shook her head in disbelief.
"Why don't you go to sleep, Harry? You look tired." Harry nodded full-heartedly and used the last of his energy to run to his room, eager to go to bed.
Meanwhile, a certain Draco Malfoy was trying his hardest not to go anywhere near the Slytherin common room.
"Drakey, why are you still in the library? You'll have to come into the dorms sooner or later. Are you doing homework for charms?" Pansy sauntered into the library as Draco flipped though a book about detection and repelling charms.
"No, I'm doing this for my well-being. Oh, this one makes the perpetrator grow green boils on its face if it comes within ten feet of the target. If only I can find one with a one mile radius..."
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to get a stalker off my trail," Draco continued to flip through the book.
"You mean that seventh-year slut that the Mudbloods call Obi Wank Enobi?"
"Yes, Pansy, her," Draco heaved a sigh. "I believe she's appointed herself as my girlfriend and I'm quite frankly very disturbed. She has a lot on her chest and absolutely nothing in her head. Well, anyway, I've decided to stay here because I seriously doubt that Enobi girl will ever think about coming in here-"
"Draco!" The cry startled both Slytherins out of their conversation, leaving Draco desperately trying to find a charm that will send an interloper flying back out the door.
A gothic-looking girl dressed fully in black and pink clothing that accentuated her bust started running toward their table.
"How the fuck did she know I was here?" Draco whispered harshly at Pansy, who merely shrugged.
"All I did was tell Blaise that I was going to the library to look for you," That led to Draco angrily cursing his luck as the Enobi girl ended up taking a seat right in front of him.
"Hi," She said flirtatiously as she hooked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
"Go fu-guh! Hi," Draco thought better of what he was going to say as Pansy smashed her sharp heel into his foot.
"Sorry Drakey, I think it's best if you just suffer from her pining, instead of all of us from her heartbreak," Pansy quickly whispered into his ear as Draco sneered, which turned into a wince when she dug her heel into his foot harder.
"Go away, prep," Enobi flipped the bird at Pansy.
"On second thought, make her suffering slow and painful-"
"You know what, you're right Pansy. Only one of us should have to suffer. Good evening, Ebony."
"Hi Draco," The repeated batting of eyelids nearly had Pansy upchucking her dinner, hopefully in the direction of the owner of the batted eyelids.
"So, err, what brings you here to this wonderful place? Filled with books. And knowledge. And other things you don't possess," The last sentence was smothered when Draco bit his lips closed.
"Oh, Blaise told me you wanted to see me," Draco accordingly started cursing Blaise to hell.
"You know what, I'm really tired. Why don't you talk to Pansy," With that, Draco sprinted to his dorm room, leaving behind a cursing Pansy and oh-so-very-gothic Obi Wank Enobi behind.