A Thousand Lives Are Better Than One
I looked up at the darkened ceiling and sighed. I couldn't go to sleep. Just couldn't. Not with all the thoughts that were currently swirling around in my head. How late was it already? I glanced over to the window, through which I could see the round, silvery moon high in the sky. Beams of soft, gentle light shone through the window and made patterns on the floor.
I got up, slid off my bed and into my boots, then reached out for my coat. If I had to wrestle with unpleasant thoughts, I might as well go outside into the cool night air and do it.
Walking quietly down the corridor so as not to disturb anyone, my thoughts wandered back to the last battle. How we had been so sure that victory was ours. How everything was going according to plan until Gangrel revealed that he controlled the Risen. How Emmeryn had died.
I walked through the enormous, looming stone arch and out into the courtyard. The desert wind blew, and I promptly shivered. I'd forgotten how cold Feroxi nights could get. Still, I was grateful for the cold. It made my aching head feel better. It did nothing to assuage the guilt in my heart though.
At least the Fire Emblem is safe, said a little voice at the back of my mind.
Oh, shut up. I thought back at it.
"Robin?" Said a voice behind me.
I started and swung around. Chrom was there, looking slightly concerned.
"What are you doing up at this unearthly hour? We march early tomorrow against Plegia."
"I…." I faltered.
Chrom smiled. "We'll win this time, if that's what you're worried about. We now know that Gangrel has the Risen – we'll be ready if he tries anything."
"It's not that," I replied, looking down at the smooth slabs of rock that paved the courtyard. I could not bring my eyes up to look at his.
"…You still feel guilty about my sister." Chrom said, and in his statement was a firm question.
I nodded miserably.
He sighed. "Look Robin, I told you that it wasn't your fault. In fact, we have you to thank for being able to even advance so far into enemy territory. It was Emm's choice in the end. She would rather sacrifice herself than let the Fire Emblem fall into the hands of scum like Gangrel. And she would rather sacrifice herself than let me bear the guilt of having caused my sister's death. It was hard for me to accept at first," he added quietly, "but I understand now how she thought, and what she wished."
"It's not that!" I burst out suddenly, unable to hold it in any longer. "I-I told you to let your sister die!"
Chrom looked surprised. He hadn't been expecting this. I plunged on.
"When Gangrel gave you that choice – the Fire Emblem or your sister – I told you that the lives of thousands should be saved rather than the life of any one person. I said it was the only choice. I didn't think of any other way, I just gave up. And I thought like a tactician, Chrom!"
Chrom's face contorted, and for a moment I thought he was upset. But then a low chuckle escaped his lips. It was the closest I had heard him come to a laugh ever since that horrible day.
"What?" I said, irritated at this response.
"You ARE a tactician, Robin. You're supposed to think like one!"
"That's exactly the problem! Tactically speaking, what I said is true! A thousand lives saved is better than one life saved – but still! She was your sister! She was the one we set out to save! I hated myself when I told you to save the Fire Emblem instead!"
"What kind of a person am I?" I continued, bitterly. "You and Lissa and the Shepherds are like family to me, and Emmeryn was too. And I was ready to let her die! I don't remember anything from before you found me in that field. I don't even remember my family. Do I have a father and mother somewhere out there, wondering why their son never came home? Do I have sisters waiting for their brother still? What happened to them? Or did I…" I clenched my fists. "…Did I leave them to die too?"
"Robin!" Chrom strode forward and gripped my shoulders with his hands. "Stop this!"
"I know Emmeryn chose to do what she did, but it doesn't change the fact that I told you to leave her! And you looked so devastated at her death! But all I did was urge you on through the rain after Basilio, I didn't do anything, and I hated myself for it! I'm no tactician, I'm just someone who plays around with other people's lives! And who knows if I've done this countless times in the past!"
"Robin!" exclaimed Chrom, shaking me slightly. "You did what you had to! You saved all of our lives! If we had stayed there a minute longer, we would all have been dead! Tell me if that was the wrong thing to do!"
"N-No."
"Every single battle with you so far, none of our people have been lost! I'm no master tactician, but I've seen how you refuse to take a more direct route to victory if it means that any of our people have to be sacrificed. Tell me that's the behaviour of a man who makes light of other people's lives!"
"No." I calmed down.
"I don't care what kind of a person you were before, but even then it seems to me that you were the same person as you are now. You care for us, Robin. That's why we trust you with our lives. And even if you made mistakes in the past, it's the choices that you make now that reveal the kind of person you are. I'm not perfect either, but you were the one that said together, we might be two halves of a greater whole. Or were those all airy words just meant to comfort me?"
I thought back to the council we had held once we had reached the safety of the Feroxi capital, and how I had sought to rally Chrom up from his self-doubt. "No, I meant them when I said them. I still do."
Chrom smiled and released me. "Then let's make them a reality together, shall we?" He asked, extending his hand.
I gripped his hand in return, and then laughed.
"What a sudden change in mood." Chrom observed. "What now?"
"I was just remembering what I told you back then. I told you that when you fall, I'll be there to pull you back up." I rubbed the back of my head ruefully. "It seems that I am the first to fall though, and you are the one to pull me back up."
Chrom grinned. "That's what friends are for."