As soon as Ianto managed to make his way out of the bar, he stumbled over his own feet and fell face-first right into a neatly trimmed bush. He couldn't stop laughing; his stomach twitched, and his eyes watered.
"What is so funny?" Jack asked, smacking his forehead with his palm. He'd sobered up quite some time ago, but Ianto was still hammered. He didn't stop drinking at the party; whenever his glass was empty, he practically screamed at anyone who was listening for it to be filled back up with something that was fruity and hand a lot of bite, and now he couldn't even remember how to stand up.
"This feels funny!" Ianto exclaimed, rubbing his reddened face against the leaves of the bush. He tried to roll onto his side to get up, but he didn't manage going very far, and he couldn't get his feet to find the pavement. "Do you think they'd mind if I slept here?" he asked, his voice completely slurred.
"You can't sleep here, Ianto! We're outside and it's the middle of February," Jack said, grabbing Ianto by his shoulders and heaving him up out of the bush. It was a tough feat, but somehow Jack managed. He eased Ianto to his feet, still keeping a firm grip on his suit jacket because Ianto still wasn't steady enough to stand on his own. However, the moment Ianto was upright, he immediately doubled over and retched onto his own shoes. Jack rubbed his friends back and waited for him to stop vomiting. Once Ianto stopped, Jack grabbed him by the collar and hauled him upwards. "Okay, up you come," he said with a sigh as Ianto swallowed and let out a small belch.
When Jack asked Ianto to come to Owen's party with him, he didn't think it'd end up like this. Figuring that he shouldn't get his hopes up, he didn't come with any expectations for the night in the romance department, but when Owen screamed if anyone wanted to play Spin the Bottle, Jack felt a tiny glimmer of optimism that maybe when it was his turn to spin the bottle, it'd land on Ianto, or vice versa. But instead, when Ianto spun the empty wine bottle, it pointed right to Gwen.
A part of him, perhaps a foolish part, thought that despite all the alcohol Ianto consumed, he'd try and weasel his way out of kissing Gwen, because Jack was right there, sitting next to him, and Ianto knew about his feelings. But when Gwen grasped the collar of Ianto's shirt, he didn't pull away. He kissed her back, and when they broke apart, the look on his face made Jack's stomach turn.
But maybe Jack was just thinking too far into things. Ianto was drunk out of his mind, he wondered if he would even remember this night come morning. Maybe the kiss meant nothing. Maybe they could still be together sometime in the future.
He couldn't fantasize about getting with Ianto now, though, not when he needed him just to be able to move. He couldn't just leave Ianto here.
"The stars are briiiight toniiiiight!" Ianto said, looking up at the night sky, his neck craned back so far that it looked like he was going to fall over again. He brought his hand up and pointed towards the sky. "Isn't it pretty, Jack? Maybe there'll be a shooting star. Do you think there will be, Jack? Maybe we should wish on it. I wanna make a wish on a shooting star, Jack."
Jack turned away from Ianto; the scent of alcohol and vomit on his breath was pungent. He tossed Ianto's arm around his shoulders and hitched his arm around his waist. "Will you pay attention already?" Jack huffed, blowing his hair out of his eyes. "You need to help me. I can't carry you to my car, you're too heavy. I just need you to stop looking at the damn sky and help me."
"But it is so pretty, the sky is so clear," Ianto mused, but he too finally took a step down, joining Jack. "Except for that cloud," he said with a point. "I'd love to sit on a cloud..." he said, "Yan, you can't sit on a cloud, you'd fall right through." Jack said, waiting for Ianto to move. "Are you calling me fat?!" he said, aghast. He swayed dangerously – had Jack not been there to support him, he probably would have really hurt himself – but managed to stay on his feet.
Now they only had to make it to Jack's car, which was parked in the street.
"Ready?" Jack asked.
Ianto hiccupped and then sort of nodded and that was good enough for Jack.
Jack took the first step, waited for Ianto to join him, and then took another. The process was slow, but after a good ten minutes, they were finally standing in front of Jack's car. He unlocked the doors, opened the passenger's side, and all but threw Ianto instead so he wouldn't fall over or wander off.
"Toasty warm!" Ianto said, snuggling into the seat. Jack promptly ignored him. He grabbed the seatbelt, reached over Ianto's body, and buckled him in. "Click it or ticket!"
Jack sighed, rolled his eyes, and slammed the door shut. He had considered just bringing Ianto to his own flat until he sobered up enough, but now he wasn't so sure. It was in a middle of the night, and he didn't want to make it awkward, either. No, it'd just be best if he took Ianto to his own house, but he couldn't just dump him off while he was stone cold drunk.
How could he get Ianto to sober up? What would be the fastest way?
Ianto hadn't eaten anything before the party, and he only drank while he was there. Jack didn't know too much about alcohol, but he supposed that drinking on an empty stomach didn't do Ianto any favours.
It was worth a shot. Jack figured that anything he gave Ianto, as long as it wasn't alcohol, would only improve the situation.
Jack climbed into his car beside Ianto and put his keys in the ignition.
Ianto was clawing at the window, trying to figure out how to roll it down, but wasn't able to locate the button. "This love has taken its toll on me, she said goodbye, too many times before. And her heart is breaking in front of me, I have no choice 'cause I won't say goodbye anymore," he started to sing, completely off-tune, his words blending together. He stared out of the window for a moment or two, and then turned his head to look at Jack so quickly that his neck cracked. "What do you think it would be like to own a rocket ship?"
"What?" Jack asked.
"A rocket ship! I bet that would be sooo cool, don't you think? We could actually fly to the moon!" Ianto told him, bouncing up and down a bit in his seat. "And I think it's gonna be a long, long time till touchdown brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home, oh no no no! I'M A ROCKET MAN! ROOOCKET MAN! Burning out his fuse up here alone."
Jack turned on the radio in hopes to drown out Ianto's atrocious, drunken singing, but quickly realized that was an awful idea.
"OH MY GOOOD, I LOOOVE THIS SONG," Ianto exclaimed, turning up the volume as he started to dance in his seat. "I want you, we can bring it on the floor, never danced like this before, we don't talk about it. Dancing on, do the boogie all night long, Stoned in Paradise, shouldn't talk about it."
He could not get to the nearest drive-thru restaurant faster.
Luckily, he managed to pull into a McDonald's just as Stolen Dance finished. Jack stabbed the volume knob with his index finger, turning off the radio, and rolled down his window.
"Hey, how did you do that?" Ianto asked.
Jack ignored his question. "What do you want?"
"A million pounds!" Ianto said, chuckling to himself. "Hey, we're at McDonalds! I love Maccy D's!
Jack glared at him. "I mean food-wise," he said, nudging his head towards the display menu.
Ianto leaned over so that he was practically lying sideways on Jack's lap, gripped the edge of the door, and looked right at the speaker box. "HELLO IN THERE!"
"Just tell her what you want," he sighed. Jack made a mental note never to be the designated driver for Ianto again; not when he was this obnoxious while drunk.
Ianto looked at Jack and leaned close to him, shutting his eyes and puckering his lips. "Gis' a kiss."
Jack placed a hand against Ianto's cheek and pushed him away. "No way, not while you're drunk. What do you want to eat? A cheeseburger, chicken nuggets?"
"I'd like a happy meal, please," Ianto said to the speaker box, eyeing the display of gender-appropriate toys that came in the happy meals. The boys' one was stupid; action figures and stuff like that that never interested Ianto, but the girls' one had pink and purple unicorns, and he was all about that. "But make it the girls' one, I like the toy that comes with it more."
"And some orange juice, please," Jack added. "The biggest bottle you have."
When he pulled around to the window, Jack pushed Ianto off his lap and reached for his wallet. "Oooh! You're buying me dinner?" Ianto asked, his voice high-pitched and cracking a bit, but at least his words were slightly more coherent than they were before. "Is this a date?"
Jack rolled his eyes slowly and handed the worker the money. Ianto was no longer speaking at the top of his lungs, which was probably a good sign, but he still was saying things he probably wouldn't have he not been drunk. Ianto supposed that was a tiny improvement.
The worker passed over to Jack and gave him a sad little smile. Jack nodded his thanks, pulled over, and dropped the bag into Ianto's lap. "Eat," he instructed as he reached behind his seat for a bottle of water – he always had one handy just in case he got thirsty. He placed both of them in the built-in cup holders and unscrewed the tops. "And drink. The orange juice first, and then the water."
Ianto opened up his happy meal box and shoved a couple of chips into his mouth as he opened up his toy package. His little unicorn toy had a pink body, a yellow mane and tail, and bright turquoise eyes. "She looks like a Mackenzie to you, doesn't she?" Ianto asked, holding the toy up to Jack's eyes. "I think that's what I'm going to name her."
"Absolutely," Jack said absentmindedly.
He couldn't stop thinking about that kiss – the one between Ianto and Gwen instead of Jack and him. Yeah, it might have been during a drunken game, but it still hurt to see his friend and the guy he was crushing hard for make out right in front of his face. The possibility of a real relationship with Ianto seemed further away than ever now.
Ianto must have been hungry, he had almost eaten all of his food and his orange juice was already half-gone. The overwhelming colour in his cheeks started to drain a bit, and his eyes seemed a bit more focused, less glazed over and glossy.
"How are you feeling?" Jack asked in a soft voice.
"A bit shit," Ianto said through a mouthful of cheeseburger.
"Guess it's working," Jack mused, a small grin playing at his lips.
It only took another thirty or so minutes when they were parked in front of Ianto's house that he started to complain that his head and stomach ached.
"Did I hit my head?" Ianto asked, rubbing his temples.
"Well, you did fall when you were singing karaoke with Gwen," Jack told him, nodding.
Ianto sat there completely silent for a moment until everything that happened that night slowly came back to him. "Oooh, I remember. We sang Don't You Want Me!" he said, wide smile playing at his lips.
Jack looked down at his hands in his laps. "And you kissed."
"Well, yeah," Ianto said nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders. "We were playing Spin the Bottle." He glanced over at Jack from the corner of his eye and frowned. "Did I do something wrong?"
Jack sighed heavily. "It's just that Gwen's my friend... and everything I told you... I just didn't think you'd do that."
Ianto's brows furrowed together, his face expressionless. "Jack, that kiss didn't mean anything," he repeated, smiling softly. "I was drunk and so was she, and I am sure she is regretting it just as much as I am right now. If I would have known..." his voice trailed off and he hesitantly reached for Jack's hand and took it in his own, marvelling for a moment at how soft and warm Jack's hand was, how it fit so well in his. "If I would have known it was going to hurt you, I wouldn't have done it."
Jack nodded, but didn't look up at Ianto. He knew he was overreacting, but no matter how much alcohol was involved, or whatever game, it still hurt to see them make out. But Ianto was right – it was just a game, it didn't mean anything, and Jack just needed to let it go.
"You believe me, don't you?" Ianto asked.
Slowly, Jack drew his eyes up and smiled gently. "Yeah, I do," he said at long last. He knew that Ianto wasn't a jerk and that he wouldn't purposefully hurt him; he was just a regular guy who made mistakes and sometimes did things he regretted.
"Good," Ianto said happily, scooting over a bit more, his lips lingering just over Jack's but instead of kissing him, he was kissing Jack's palm. "What the-?"
"You just ate McDonalds and your breath still reeks of alcohol and vomit," Jack told him, smirking mischievously. "You're not getting any kisses from me tonight."