Garfield: The Big Payday
Authors note: I have noticed increase in violence crime on TV news and have found this very alarming! So I wrote this as new tribute to my literary idol and a motivator for brave American men and women on police force.
It was another day in the happiest city in the greatest place on Earth Washington DC the capital of America. Throughout the entire air was the sweet scent of roasted freedom and caramelized liberty.
"What a great time it is to be an American Vice President Joe Biden." Said Obama the President with big smile as he observed the city from behind a window in a White House.
"I concur but what if something catastrophic was to happen and rob America of your Presidential responsibilities presents?" Said Vice President Joe Biden worryingly.
"Hahahaha!" Said Obama the President as he sat down at office desk to begin Presidential duties for the day. "What sort of man is fit to lead nation if he is spending every second of day gripped by worry? No a real man easy rides the whole long highway. This is why I am the President and you are Vice President Joe Biden."
"This is irresponsibilities." Said Vice President Joe Biden with disgust at Obama the President's easy riding nature. "But fortunately I have made man in great plan to reclaim America's greatness."
At Vice President Joe Biden's fingersnapping four Secret Service men in suits entered the Oval Office with menace shining in their eyes.
"What is the meaning of this?" Said Obama the President as he set down pen and paper in shock.
"You have been allowed to destroy America for one term too many! But no longer! IT IS TIME FOR A REVOLUTION!" Said Vice President Joe Biden with coup as he and the four Secret Service men took out clown masks from their pockets and put them on to reveal that they were really Dallas, Hoxton, Houston Chains, and Wolf of the Payday crew!
"Noooo Vice President Joe Biden is an evil criminal. This calls for justice." Said Obama the President as he calmly ripped out a Remington from under his desk with intents of justice and blasted off Houston's head with buckshot.
Obama the President then flung his Remington like a boomerang taking out Wolf, Dallas, and Chains with the power of velocity.
"Don't mess with the President of the United States, sonny. You will turn yourself in if you know what is good for you." Obama the President said as he caught his returning Remington and lit a Cuban cigar for smoking of intimidation as he and Hoxton faced off.
"You know nothing! Now know the true power of evil!" Hoxton said as he took out his Walther PPK and pumped Obama the President full of tranquilizers.
"UGH." Said Obama the President with car sickness before he vomited and fainted.
Hoxton then proceeded to detain Obama the President with handcuffs and injected Wolf, Dallas, and Chains with heroin to revive them.
"Well boys here is to job well done." Said Dallas wickedly as he rubbed his palms together.
"Indeed it is my main man." Said Chains with greed as he began looting the Oval Office.
"Lets celebrate like true gentlemen!" Said Wolf as he stole some of Obama the President's presidential whiskey and began to pour it into his pants.
"Mwa ha ha ha!" Laughed Hoxton with evilness as he took out his iPhone and made call to untraceable location. "Bain… we've acquired the Golden Package!"
Elsewhere it was another sunny day elsewhere in America and Garfield was doing exercises in his own private gym as the TV program "Hot Babes Catfighting In Lasagna" played on his four-wall encompassing flatscreen HDTV.
"Before another hard days work of eating lasagna and romancing babes it is advisable to pump some iron." Said Garfield with sage advice to audience as he did several flips from a chin-up bar before making perfect ten-point landing on his right thumb.
Garfield then got ready to do thousand-ton weightlifts when suddenly interruptions came on his TV screen.
"TV programming that is more important than lasagna? What is this madness?" Garfield commented as the TV changed to concerned sweating newscaster in newsroom.
"Breaking news!" Said the newscaster with pantswetting panic. "Obama the President has just been kidnapped by the infamous Payday crew for ransom of equal value to American debt!"
"WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?" Said Garfield with such anger at brazen criminal disrespect for American executive branch that he snapped his weight in half like kit-kat bar without realizing.
"Anarchy is breaking out on streets as we speak by criminal populace revolting! Is there not a bad enough dude in this country who can save the President?" Implored the newscaster with horror as the TV fizzled out to static.
"You didn't even have to ask." Garfield said with duty as he put on his shades and custom Lasagna-logo black combat jacket.
Garfield walked downstairs to begin his quest of justice and he ran into Jon Arbuckle.
"Oh no Garfield surely you must not be thinking of going out there on your own!" Said Jon Arbuckle with brotherly concern.
"I know the danger that I am diving into Jon Arbuckle but I shall not stand idle when criminal scrum dare to tear this great nation America apart with their greed." Said Garfield with readiness as he opened kitchen doors to the armory and strapped on enough weaponry to arm a first world nation. "I must show them just as I am King of Lasagna I am also King of the Streets."
"Then make sure that liberty's flame is not extinguished by miscreants of malice Garfield!" Jon Arbuckle said to Garfield as he threw the car keys to Garfield who caught them without even looking.
"I will not let you down, Jon Arbuckle!" Garfield said with farewell salute.
Garfield then unlocked the door to his custom classic Firebird in his two hundred car garage and hit the pedal with enough force to break sound barrier as he sped off onto the transcontinental highway towards Washington DC to deliver justice like the pizza unit of the police force.
As Garfield drove he saw with disgust that criminals of all walks and sizes were filling up the roads and streets with anarchy.
"Criminal scum you are ants and I am the exterminator to your hive of evil." Said Garfield with pesticides as he pressed button on his dashboard and began spewing toxic gases into criminal crowds.
"Oh no it is Garfield! Quick run for your lives!" Said a crowd of looters as they exited from a Wal-Mart with TVs and refridgerators.
"The only run you'll be making is on the highway to hell." Said Garfield with cold burning justice as he did a fancy drifting move with his Firebird as he leaned out of the window with his trusty Thompson submachine gun in hand and mowed them all down.
Garfield continued onto Washington DC determined to arrive in time to rescue Obama the President and save the American values of freedom and lasagna.
"Time is of the utmost essense in this mission. There is not even time to find a reputable bar and eat lasagna." Garfield mused sadly as he continued to run over millions of criminals like bowling pins.
Garfield then heard revving of engines and looked in his rearview mirror to see that he had attracted pursuers. It was John Wick and Dragan on custom-job motorcycles!
"I'm afraid we can't let you rescue the President Garfield!" Said John Wick and Dragan with hatred.
"Fools. You think you chase me but you only chase your own demise." Garfield said calmly as he put on some Iron Maiden to pump up blood for chase.
"Woah!" Said John Wick as he leapt from his motorcycle onto the hood of Garfield's Firebird. "I know kung fu! Die Garfield Die!" John Wick added as he began to blast at Garfield's windshield with akimbo berettas only for the bulletproof glass to rebound them into his solar plexus.
"Ooooogh!" Said John Wick with painfulness as he clutched onto Garfield's windshield wipers for dear life.
"So what? I know how to accelerate!" Said Garfield with physics as he slammed down the brake and launched John Wick into a passing wood chipper.
"A fitting end for one of your acting caliber." Said Garfield with a wink as he resumed the high speed chase when suddenly new challenger arrived!
It was Jacket driving his DeLorean arriving from the past with a flash of lightning leaving fiery skidmarks in his wake.
Meanwhile back at the White House Obama the President was tied to a chair while the evil Payday crew were readying thermal drill for drilling of top secret Presidential vault.
"Where are the Green Berets when I need them?" Said Obama the President with frustration as he strained against titanium bindings.
"Heehee you fool your Special Forces are now our Special Forces!" Sneered Dallas with intimidation as several brainwashed Delta Forces and Navy SEALs milled about behind him.
"You will not get away with this!" Said Obama the President with defiance as he spat into the clowned faces of his captors.
"We already did ya tosser!" Laughed Hoxton as he slapped Obama the President across the face. "No one can possibly hope to penetrate our mighty army of criminals and brainwashed!"
"Now all your riches and lasagna shall be ours for the wasting!" Mocked Wolf as he finished priming the drill to the vault door. "In just… thirty thousand seconds?"
"Goddamn it I hate that friggin' drill!" Said Chains with childish impatience.
"You think you may have won the war but the only thing that you have won are your own delusions." Said Obama the President with passionate speech. "Even if you kill me and loot my vault of all its gold and lasagna, you will not change the fact that Garfield is on the way to save the day. And when you dare to fight Garfield, you will all fall and die quickly because there is no man mightier than Garfield and you are nothing but overblown crooks in cheap suits and masks. Your army? Your money? Your skills? Against Garfield they are nothing but a feather wafting in a farted wind-"
"SILENCE!" Screamed Dallas with anxiety ire. "Garfield is nothing! We are the mighty Payday crew! There is no security in the world that can stop us! In fact we have already called in a few friends to take care of the cat chump himself!"
Back on the highway Garfield was so wrapped up in high intensity chase that he did not detect in time Twitch in the escape van pulling up to him.
"Here's an explosive payload!" Said Twitch with deadly driving as he pressed a button opening up a side compartment containing missile launchers.
"AAAAGH!" Said Garfield with loss of control as the missiles bombarded the Firebird denting it all over. With furious reflexes Garfield managed to leap out in time and hit the road with hard impact before the remains of the Firebird skidded into the curb and blew up.
"Road Warrior, your road has come to an end!" Said Dragan as he whipped out a large biker chain and flung it at Garfield's face with motorcycle drive-by.
"Over? It is never over!" Said Garfield as he grabbed the chain and with a mighty heave swung Dragan into a nearby tree bisecting him.
"Now that is what I am calling cut content." Quipped Garfield as he turned to face the oncoming Twitch.
"I destroyed your car now I destroy you AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Said Twitch with battle cry as he fired hundreds of missiles at Garfield.
"Shoot me once, shame on you. Shoot me twice, time to die." Said Garfield with battlefield zen as the missles all detonated in his face.
"Yes! They will give me my own mask for sure when they hear of this!" Laughed Twitch but suddenly his heart skipped a beat when he saw that Garfield was standing in the shadow of the mushroom cloud unharmed. Fearful Twitch hit full speed on the pedal in desperation run over attempt.
"The wings of justice will never be burnt by your fires of greed!" Garfield roared as the escape van smashed into him leaving Garfield unharmed while launching the screaming Twitch out. As Twitch sailed over him Garfield channeled his inner energy and unleashed a mighty cry of "SHORYUKEN!" into Twitch's windpipe breaking his neck. Garfield then grabbed Twitch's neck as it bent and pulled out his head along with his spine as the rest of his body sailed into a ditch.
"You should've used your head and stayed in school for grades." Garfield told the decapitated head of Twitch with a downpour of disappointment before tossing it aside.
Before Garfield could move once more suddenly John Wick showed up in his '69 All-Black Mustang. Blinded by impressedment with John Wick's manly Amerian vehicle, Garfield was smashed against a redwood and temporarily dazed by John Wick's fancy drifting move.
"Yeah, I'm thinkin' I'm back!" John Wick said with resureections as he put on his shades and attached silencer to pistol before smoking a cigarette and rubbing it out on Garfield.
"Wait arent you supposed to be in peaces?" Garfield asked with confusion.
"My ageless physique makes me indestructable!" John Wick bragged. "And now Garfield get ready to die!"
Right on cue Jacket caught up in his DeLorean and stepped out wielding a katana joining John Wick, ready for final duel with Garfield.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum. Your move, creep." Announced Jacket on his tape recorder as he and Garfield faced off when suddenly a van full of Vlad and his Russian Mobsters pulled up.
With noticeable disgust at arrival of foreign aid in his rooster mask Jacket then hit a button on his tape recorder. "I may not make an honest buck, but I'm 100% American." Said Jacket with patriotism as he did heroic betrayal and stepped over to Garfield's side.
"So am I! I'm not teaming up with any beagle-killing Ivan scum!" Said John Wick as he spit onto every Russian mobster one by one.
"Come now Comrade Jacket!" Said Vlad as he held out hot dog and sprayed ketchup all over it like broken water faucet. "See Vlad enjoy great American icon so be my comrade and kill Garfield please?"
"Nobody, I mean nobody, puts ketchup on a hot dog. Time to die." Said Jacket with anger reaching boiling point upon witnessing Vlad's devious insult to American culinary perfection. With that Garfield Jacket and John Wick were standing back to back as the Russian Mobsters closed in with murderous intents.
"You had your chance to submit to greater Communist superpower!" Said Vlad as he took out a Skorpion submachine gun. "But now Vlad will rise on your corpses like a [CENSORED] Sputnik!"
"The only thing that will be rising is your spirit before it is dragged back by the demons to damnation." Quipped Garfield as he and Jacket snatched Russian Mobsters to use as human shields while John Wick used his jujitsu to kill Russian Mobsters by the hundreds.
"Get three coffins ready." Said Jacket to Garfield as he sliced and diced three mobsters with his katana in swift bloodiness before knocking out another with a toss of the katana. Jacket then threw him over to John Wick who stomped the mobster's head out like a rotten apple. "My mistake: four coffins."
"The devil better send us a check for all the extra business we are sending him." Said Garfield with foresight as he leapt high in the sky with a backflip and unleashed a hail-fire of death-lead from his Desert Eagles onto the remaining Russian Mobsters.
"I can't believe it! We the pride of Mother Russia have been annihilated by a mere cat and his lunatik pets! Let me retire to motherland in shame!" Cried the last Russian Mobster as he fell onto his knees to beg in mercy. Jacket stood before him as he picked up a nearby chainsaw and revved it up before decapitating him with it.
"Groovy." Said Jacket with bloodlust as he punted the mobster's head away like a football before John Wick grabbed it for slam dunk.
"That's how you start another amazing season of bloodletting." Said Garfield with sports to Jacket as the Mobster's head rolled off into the horizon and then turned his attention to the sniveling Vlad.
"You cannot hope to beat the Payday crew! They have robbed all of the banks in all of America like Tsar Bomba of criminality!" Said Vlad with emptyhanded threats before Garfield backhanded him knocking out all of his teeth and cracking half his skull. "What… what … are you?" Vlad asked as he started crying like a baby.
"Me? I'm your worst nightmare, punk. I'm what you liberty-less heathens in your diseased motherland see before you die from a heart attack. I've been beyond the edge of all existence and possiblity. I've saved the multiverse so many times I invented a new counting system. I've beaten up Gods and made them cry before me. You think you or those hopped-up rats you call robbers mean anything to me? WRONG." Said Garfield with speech of decisive willbreaking as he grabbed Vlad by the collar and spat hot liberty juice into his dirty Ivan eyes blinding Vlad forever.
"You want to be a Sputnik so badly?" Asked Garfield as he began to swing Vlad by the legs like a discus. "Use my launchpad free of charge!" Garfield quipped as he released Vlad and sent him flying out of the atmosphere.
"Waaaaaait I am actually a Ukrainian not a Russian! Save me!" Said Vlad as his body flew into space where he exploded.
"Who cares? One Communist roach is the same filth as another. In a righteous world there is only America and her hombres." Said Garfield with patriot isolationism.
"Tell your dictator-in-chief when you're in orbit that he's next." Said Garfield as he turned his eyes to the part of the horizon where the Soviet Union was.
"Well my compadres, what is next for you?" Asked Garfield as the three looked over the aftermath of the battle, covered in the blood of dead Russians.
"Nobody cared who I was until I put on the mask. Make like a tree and get out of here. May the force be with you." Said Jacket with farewells as he threw his DeLorean keys to Garfield.
"I'll be workin', I guess." John Wick said as he drove off in his Mustang.
"Farewell. May you two never stray from the light of American righteousness!" Said Garfield with wise advice as Jacket walked off into the sunset smoking a cigarette.
"Now it's time to stop the banks." Said Garfield with serious words as he stepped into Jacket's DeLorean and sped off towards Washington DC.
Later after hours of introspective roadtrip listening to heavy metal and hard rock classics on his radio, Garfield arrived at the capital only to see disturbing sight oncoming!
"Oh no what could have happened here." Garfield said with disturbed as he saw a giant purple force field surrounding all of Washington DC with America's army standing brainwashed behind the force field arm in arm with criminal filth.
"I'll tell you what has happened! You have just lost!" Said Dallas as he walked to the edge of the force field with Hoxton, Chains, and Wolf.
"Impossible. I cannot lose!" Said Garfield as he pounded at the force field with his powerful fists.
"Punch all you like fat cat! Your muscles only add power to our force field to ensure it will remain in place until we have finished drilling into the Presidential Lasagna vault!" Said Wolf with engineering marvels.
"No that lasagna is meant for the American people to spread freedom to the entire world not selfish stupid greedy criminals like you to make a profit!" Said Garfield with dawning horror.
"Haha! We know! That's why we're stealing all of it!" Said Hoxton with tauntings as he gave Garfield two-finger salute.
"And even if you'd found a way to break through, you'll have to go through our army!" Said Chains with numbers in advantage.
"Oh no! I cannot kill American soldiers even if brainwashed by criminals. The very thought sickens me." Said Garfield with patriotic priniciples.
"Hahahaha!" Laughed the entire Payday crew as they turned to moon Garfield. "We beat you Garfield!"
"Just you wait you delinquents! I will find a way to break through and make you clowns frown!" Swore Garfield as he stormed off.
Garfield walked through the woods listening to the song "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey and thinking of a way to break the force field and rescue the captive American soldiers when he had a majestic spur of inspiration.
"Are the solutions to my woes so simple?" Garfield said as he snapped his fingers before hopping back into his DeLorean and driving off to Home Depot for supplies.
With hammer in hand, Garfield began to pound together brilliant invention in the name of preserving the beacon of Western civilization.
The dawn of the next day the sun was rising over Capitol Hill the Payday crew were readying guillotine for execution of Obama the President if ransom was not paid in twenty-four hours in French-Bavarian time.
"So lads what d'you desire to do with your money?" Hoxton said as he dreamed of his homeland of Britannia. "I think I would wish to see the Thames once more before I die."
"I shall retire from robber life and go into politics. With all this bankrobbing practice I am certain I have the experience to be real master criminal." Said Dallas with high-rising ambition.
"I will use my trillions to purchase Sweden and enact my vengeance upon the nation who turned me to life of crime like hungry fire ants on baby in crib." Sneered Wolf with bloodcurdling economics.
But before Chains could answer there were screams of panic from the far end of the city. And like a shot in the dark, there was the harmonious sound of a true man's voice like a cannon barrage from a man of war spreading over the crime-infested ruins of Washington DC.
"MAKE WAY FOR THE GARFIELDOZER." Announced Garfield piloting a giant mech suit as he smashed through the force field shattering it into an infinitum of purple fragments raining sharp death onto criminals left and right.
"Oh no! Garfield has done the impossible! See you at the safehouse!" Said Hoxton, Chains, and Dallas as they bolted back to the White House, leaving Wolf to distract Garfield from reaching them before the Vault opened.
"Is that all you got?" Garfield said to the criminals with challenges as they threw bottles which harmlessly bounced off his mecha exoskeleton before he mowed them down with gatling gun arms.
"You can never take us all!" Said ten gangbangers wielding knives as they rushed Garfield with intents of stabbing.
"Close but no cigar." Said Garfield as he pushed buttons in the cockpit and unsheathed his sword arm, slicing the gangbangers in half with cleaving before transfomring it into a flamethrower and setting their upper halves on fire.
"Now this is what I call a red ribbon week." Said Garfield as he stomped through the city annihilating criminal presence to shreds smaller than powdered parmesan with lasers and bullets.
As Garfield advanced through the bloody remains of criminal filth his radar detected oncoming mech-level threat. Just as Garfield predicted, it was Gage arriving in Wheelcheer Mech.
Firing shotgun fingers, Gage roared with maniacism. "Ha ha Garfield when I kill you I will have my true vengeance for my crippleness!"
"Fool you may not be able to walk but you surely will fly." Said Garfield as his sword arm morphed into a rocket-firing minigun, and blasted Gage into the skyline.
As Garfield continued liberating the capitol city from the Payday crew's evil, he saw with alarm that the US army and other national agencies of law was approaching with tanks and helicopters. Brainwashed or not Garfield knew tat killing America's army and cops was bad.
"Ha ha. What will you do now Garfield when your greatest dilemma approaches you?" Said Wolf with insolence as he stood at top of Capitol Hill.
"You fool on the hill. Did you think there was a single plan of yours for which I had no contigencies." Said Garfield as he hit the big red button in his cockpit and giant boomboxes slid out from panels in his mech's back.
"Here is a hidden track from my next album, "No More Lonely Lasagna Nights" as reward for the brave sacrifices soldiers and policemen everyday make for America." Garfield proclaimed with blaring amplification pulse-pumping heavy rockin' metal music recorded by Garfield's band in the studio began to play. Garfield then cleared his throat with magnificence and unleashed the full majesty of his vocal chords as the Brainwashed Soldiers stopped before him transfixed (feel free to sing along).
"Babe when I saw you walking down the street
You made my pants erupt with dragonfire heat
I played it cool and walked past you all alone
But I can no longer play solo with my bone
Cause I can't wait another night of not being in you
Where I can't lick you where it is super cool
NO MORE LONELY LASAGNA NIGHTS
To get into your pants will win the game
To go premature is the ultimate shame
NO MORE LONELY LASAGNA NIGHTS
Your shining eyes sparkle like eternal diamonds
But in bedroom I'll crack you open like almonds
NO MORE LONELY LASAGNA NIGHTS
In the darkness your voice is my guiding light
In heaven you dance forever naked and ripe
NO MORE LONELY LASAGNA NIGHTS
Without you in my arms I shall starve
Oh your breasts are a ham I will carve
NO MORE LONELY LASAGNA NIGHTS
Sweet stuff I will ride you like my best pillow
And you will chop down my great willow
I will love you all over forever and ever
Until the end of the world cause there are
NO MORE LONELY LASAGNA NIGHTS"
Like a sudden explosion of firecrackers on Chinese New Years the final chorus shattered the mind control hanging over the law enforcers of America. With the curtain lifted they all regained freewill and saw who was standing over them, the American Caesar who had saved them.
"Garfield! We knew thought that this day would never come! In gratitude to your greatnes we shall help you retake the city!" Said all the soldiers and policemen with salutes.
"Later I will teach some of you in person how to best clean a gun but first things first." Said Garfield with a charismatic wink as he eyed hot blonde cops and soldiers in uniform in the crowd who giggled and waved at him.
Garfield charged like a raging Kodiak bear towards the White House as the army and police stayed behidn to do battle with the crime rats, urgent to save Obama the President and stop the Payday crew from stealing all of America's lasagna.
"Not so fast! Here's an order of C4, on the house!" Said Wolf as he leapt out from the shadows and tossed a million pounds of explosives onto Garfield before hitting the detanator.
"ARRRGH!" Said Garfield as the blast propelled him into a tumble, short-circuiting the GARFIELDOZER suit and shutting all its systems down.
"You have just made the last mistake of your wasted life." Garfield snarled as he crawled out of the wreckage, only to see several thousand Sentry Guns with muscle-shredding rounds loaded aiming at him.
"You are in no position to negotiate. Now die at last fatso." Said Wolf as he got ready to turn all the sentry guns on.
All hope seemed lost for Garfield and America when suddenly Wolf was distracted by the sound of nightvision goggles charging up and then familiar voice was heard by all.
"AMAKOOOOOO."
It was Jon Arbuckle leading cloaker battalion as they popped out of a nearby car window and took out Wolf with a flying taekwondo kick!
"Nooooo have mercy!" Begged Wolf as he took of his mask to show tears. "I have family back home waiting for me!"
"Then the sight of your corpse will teach your children that crime doesn't pay." Said Garfield with harshness as the cloakers all took out batons wrapped with razor-wire.
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE REVIEWS SECTION AND CRY ABOUT THIS LIKE THE LITTLE BITCH YOU ARE?" Jon Arbuckle asked as he and all the other cloakers began to smash in Wolf's head turning it into squashed manicotti.
"Thanks for the save Jon Arbuckle. I was facing cetain metal machine doom there." Said Garfield as he flipped two thumbs-up.
"No problemo, Garfield! Just paying you back! Now go forth and save the day once more!" Said Jon Arbuckle as he continued to dispense a beating of due justice.
On the lawn of the White House the remaining Payday crew were racing forward to the door.
"Hurry! We must get to the Lasagna Vault and bag up all its valuables so Bain can send us the escape chopper!" Barked Dallas with desperate orders.
"You may bag riches but I bag heads." Said Garfield as he leapt down from the rooftop of the American White House with the American flag in hand. Like a Zulu spearsman he thrust forward into the mouth of Dallas and impaled him.
"Taste the stars and stripes you sucker." Said Garfield as he stuck the flag into the ground and Dallas slid downwards onto the grass.
"Quick Chains run and get the vault open! I will finish this cat and end his blasphemies once and for all!" Hoxton proclaimed as he stepped forward and ripped off his shirt revealing a muscular body decorated with criminal tattoos from his time in prison.
"You will pay for the many insults you have delivered to my great nation!" Said Hoxton with vengeance as he and Garfield exchanged a vortex of blows.
"Blind man could you not see that your monarchy is rotten. I am only helpings you embrace democracies." Said Garfield with justifications as he caught Hoxton's fist and judo-flipped him over his shoulder into the Oval Office.
"No! The monarchy will never fall! Long live Britannia you colonist nutter! Die die die die!" Said Hoxton as got back up and glared at Garfield, pulling out a knife intending for stabbings.
"You talk too much. Didn't anyone tell you have the right to remain silent?" Quipped Garfield as he stepped into the Oval Office and picked up a stapler from Obama the President's desk. Right as Hoxton lunged for him, Garfield used lightning fast reflexes of his arm and stapled his lips shut.
"MMMPH." Protested Hoxton as Garfield slapped him silly and slid his arms into handcuffs.
"This is what you get for your crimes against lasagna and humanity." Said Garfield as he walked off to the Presidential Lasagna Vault to finish his mission.
Garfield readied himself for another brutal fight as he turned the corner only to see strange sight – it was Chains curled up next to a broken drill with two seconds left on it bawling.
"Please Garfield just end my misery now! I can't take another second of fixing this stupid [CENSORED] drill!" Chains begged, throwing Garfield his gun.
"Would you throw away your life as easily as this?" Said Garfield with confusion.
"You don't know what it's like, Garfield! I thought that being pro heister would be life of excitement but no it is only tedium of fixing these FREAKING drills and bagging crap. I am not robber master I am just a glorified shopping clerk." Said Chains with misery. "Just pull the trigger. It is too late for me."
"Wrong!" Said Garfield with blind justice. "It is never too late for anyone in America, the land of freedom and rehabilitation!"
"You are right Garfield!" Said Chains with a startling realizzation brought on by Garfield's masterful speech. "I still have chance to turn my life around and become a good guy! I will do my time and then I will go to college for accounting degree!"
Chains proceeded to cuff himself and walk out to turn himself in, smiling at the bright future ahead of him.
"Don't you love a happy ending?" Garfield asked before an evil man clearing his throat stepped out of the shadows and with a snap of his finger reactivated the drill opening the vault!
"You. The mastermind behind this whole heisting foolery." Said Garfield with chilling tone as Bain unveiled himself, with Bonnie behind him holding Obama the President hostage.
"You are correct, Garfield. But let us not stand on unfamiliar grounds here, shall we? After all, what is mask but what we present to the world as ourselves?" Said Bain as he switched his voice modifier off and unzipped his body to reveal that he was really Richard Nixon.
"Richard Nixon! You were a President of the United States! How can you betray your nation like this?" Said Garfield with shock and disappointment.
"You are all nothing but a ship of fools for my manipulation." Said Richard Nixon with selfishness. "From the beginning the only nation that mattered to me was myself. It was easy work setting up phony Bain identity and and using the Payday crew to accumulate the wealth I needed to pull the job of my dreams off after all I had Watergate experience to work off of."
"Not if I have anything to say about it." Said Garfield with coldness as he took out his Desert Eagles and loaded a full clip.
"Nae sae fast, fat cat. Drap th' boss 'n' I'll drap yer president." Warned Bonnie as she held knife to Obama the President's throat.
"Now do you see the futility of your mission, Garfield? America is nothing but bread and circuses served to you patriotic morons by the men in power like me! And now to reclaim the Presidential power that is rightfully mine forever! After that, the world is mine!" Laughed Richard Nixon with tyranny as he threw his two arms up in peace sign and readied ot enter the vault.
"No! Even if I must die, America must not be allowed to fall into dark age!" Said Obama the President with duties as he elbowed Bonnie making her drop the knife. "Now Garfield!"
"I'm on it, Mr. President!" Said Garfield as he unleashed his entire clip into Bonnie.
"Noooo Ah didnae wantae goan oot lik' this!" Screamed Bonnie as the force of the bullets sent her flying into Richard Nixon, knocking him aside before he could steal America's life-fueling lasagana.
"The buck stops here." Garfield coldly told Richard Nixon as he tried to futilely crawl out from under the mammoth Scotswoman on him.
"With great power comes great responsibility." Said Obama the President with sadness as he and Garfield looked over Richard Nixon with scorn. "Why have you forgotten number one rule of Presidentiality?"
"Noooo! Screw responsibility! I was the President, I should have been allowed to do whatever I wanted!" Said Richard Nixon with delusions as his face turned white. "And you Garfield! Rarrrr! We're not so different, are we now? You were content to let the Payday crew run free when they were robbing banks left and right! Why stop us now?"
"Bank corporations, bank heisters, they are an ouroboros. But when you tried to steal lasagna and kidnap the President, you tried to steal freedom. And freedom can never be taken from the people." Said Garfield with Constitutions as Obama the President handed him a golf club.
"Here's some overdue impeachments. See you in court." Said Garfield as he took a swung, taking off Richard Nixon's head like a frisbee hitting a wedding cake and sent it flying to the Supreme Court. As Garfield threw away the golf club and took out a lasagna cigarette for smoking, he heard the dainty steps of a delicate Irish rose entering the Oval Office.
"Wolf? 'oxton? Where are ye and the rest of them bleeders? Don't tell me ye clowns ran while I was shoppin' for me new shoes." Said Clover as she walked in with shopping bags before she stopped right in her tracks, overcome by the awesome sight of manliness that stood before her. Her mask cracked and fell, revealing sultry Celtic features that got Garfield's heart fluttering.
"Oi, are ye the Garfield me Daddy used to tell wettin' bedtime stories 'bout?" Said Clover with flirtiness.
"Right here in the flesh, baby." Said Garfield with a wink as he flexed his muscular arm. "I'm in the mood for some hot and sweet potatoes, how 'bout you surrender to the lawman in my pants?"
"I'd love nothin' better. Oh, I've been such a bad lass! Punish me 'till I bleed down me fookin ankles, Garfield!" Said Clover with energetic ecstasy as she leapt into Garfield's arms.
"What a magnificient man. This nation is in great hands." Said Obama the President as he wiped a single manly tear from his eyes.
"Thank you for showing us the error of our ways, Garfield!" Said Chains with thankfulness as he, Hoxton, John Wick, Jacket, and the rest of the Payday crew who had been released from custody except Houston cause he was dead stood by giving him thumbs ups as he enthusiastically spanked Clover's bottom over and over.
"Knock her dead, buddy!" Said Jon Arbuckle with encouragements as Garfield walked out of the Oval Office, carrying Clover to the Lincoln Bedroom and spreading her down on sheets like ricotta on lasagna.
"I am Virginity's Great Emancipator." Garfield whispered into Clover's ear seductively as he vigorously unbuttoned her shirt while she put on a romantic funky soul music record for atmosphere.
"I will give ye the best of me, ye can have all ye want like lasagna." Said Clover as she bent down and with rubbing talents upgraded Garfield's drill.
"I have ammo bag ready to be dropped." Said Garfield as he crouched over Clover and squatted, emptying silver bullets into her lockboxes with oral transfers.
With moment of urgent essense arriving, Garfield clutched Clover by her nimble shoulders and pulled her tight to him like magnetic missile and began to drill into her vault. Clover squealed as the heat grew as Garfield started to ravish her breasts like a fine pasta dish with his striking tongue making them wetter than a sperm whale at the bottom of the sea.
"Oh Garfield... pluck me clover...AND DO IT HARD!" Clover panted as her body pressed against Garfield's like peanut butter and jelly and their sweat coated each other like a Niagara waterfall. With energies Clover began to sway back and forth in the hold of her savior.
"My sweet Irish rose, this drill will never jam on you."Said Garfield as he began to make deep thrusting penetrations into Clover like a woodpecker electrified by tazer.
Garfield then reached for the lights and flicked them off, plunging the Lincoln Bedroom into darkness. And soon, there was a final squeal as the door to Clover's vault opened and the scent of romance in the air as Garfield emptied her vault like a ravished man stumbling upon all-you-can-eat buffet.
He'd saved the day and spent the night with a sexy babe. This, Garfield thought, was what he called the big payday as he drifted away into dreams with Clover by his side.
The End...?