Of desperate dreams
By: dragonfly-rising
A/N: This may be a little weird but I liked it so I thought I would share. It's just this one page…sorry…hope you like it enough to comment at least.
He's going soon. I know where he'll go, who he'll see when he gets there. He looks up from the fire to glance at me then turns his eyes away just as quickly. He knows I know but it won't stop him from going. I should ask him not to go. I should ask him not to tear another piece of me with such abandon just so that he can look at his past with clouded eyes and remember all that once was for them. I should but I won't, it's not in me to deny him anything no matter how high the cost is to me. Does he think of that I wonder, as he goes to meet her in the darkness does he spare a thought for me? Does his head pound with fearful loss as mine does? Can he hear the wrenching of my heart as he bounds away? Has he ever endured such ache?
He's standing now. His head turned towards the moon, towards her and his past. His body is tense as if he is fighting some inner battle. Is he? At this moment is he questioning if he should go at all? My heart hurts but I hope, oh I hope. His hands are fisting as he stands there so alone in his thoughts. I want to grab him and tell him he doesn't have to go, he doesn't have to suffer it. I can't force myself to move, I'm so afraid of what he would do…what he would say to me if I dared such a thing. How he would look down at me with those molten eyes and I would know all the things I wish I never knew that floated so freely there. I've seen it before, all those emotions he wants to deny, all that aching need for something he knows he can't have anymore. And I hate him in those moments, hate him for caring, hate him for making me wish he could have what he wants, hate him for damning himself as I want to redeem him.
He stares at the ground for the moment. He is scowling but I know he is losing the battle and there is nothing I can do, nothing I can say to stop it. My eyes are stinging and I have to look at the fire. I have to look away from him because in a few seconds his face will become wistful and I will have to acknowledge the loss with a smile though inside I feel like dieing. NO! Not this time! I won't have it! I won't let her do this to him again, if only for his sake. I can't allow his heart to be so callously torn. I can't allow her to take him from his quest. I won't let her.
He shifts and I look up ready to stop him, the words burn my throat and…
"Kagome..."
That's all he says, all he ever has to say. His eyes don't quiet meet mine but I can read them better then any book. His voice is tight with things he will never say, could never say to me.
"I know…"
That's all I say, all I ever have to say. The words are like acid and it is me who smiles though I can't bring myself to look at him anymore. It hurts too much to look at him because he knows it hurts me and he hates himself for it.
"I'll be back…"
I nod as usual but I can't say anymore. I want to say it all. I want to look at him and let everything I've felt flow from me in torrents until he understands and looks at me as I've seen him look at her, as if I am precious to him.
I take a step back from him, turning away slightly needing a moment so he can't see the tears in my eyes. I can't let him see because he would stay then. Not for himself but for me and I could not bear that kind of thing. He deserves the choice.
He stands there looking at me. I can feel his eyes. He knows and now I have to tell him to go or he will drag this out for far longer then I can endure. I have to send him to her. I hate you for this. I hate you for needing my approval. I hate you for making me say what I don't want to say.
"Go on, I'll be here."
There I said it now go and leave me to my misery. Just leave me alone so I can find a way to smile when you come back, if you come back at all. My throat feels like its closing in on itself with each breath I take. My cheeks are flushed with the tears I refuse to let spill. Please, please just leave before I lose all control!
There are arms around me quite suddenly and I gasp in surprise. What is this? His arms, draped in red, gathering me against his chest where I feel his heart beat strongly. He doesn't turn me to look at him, only holds me as carefully as one would a china doll. Oh gods I am going to cry because this is so much worse. I want to jerk out of his arms but I can't. I stay where I am with my rapidly beating heart in my throat and pray this moment will never end because I love him all the more for wanting to do this. I melt against him, my head lowering as my strength gives out a little, needing him to support me and he gives this as well. His arms tighten slightly and I feel his breath against my neck as he leans his forehead against the top of my head. I am filled with euphoric images of him holding me still as the sun rises.
He releases me gently. Without his warmth everythinghurts again because I know what will come next.
"I'll be back soon."
I hear him leave. The tears fall easily now as I turn to watch him disappear into the night. Oddly a small smile plucks at my mouth that I don't want to be there yet secretly do. He's done it again. He's soothed me without really saying a word. Damn him.