Disclaimers: I do not own Harry Potter or anything relating to such. Nor do I own Shrek 2 or an of its lines. This is intended only for amusement.
AN: Conception was at the end of may, before the department of mysteries
10 gestation period, finds out 3 month
The How and Why of Werewolf Reproduction
by Daggerpoint
Harry staggered, mumbling, into the Gryffindor commons room in shock. His glasses were askew and his hair looked worse then usual. He moved to were three chairs where placed around the merrily crackling fire, the only light in the room. He didn't notice the fold in the rug however, which he grandly proceeded to trip over and fall flat on his face, glasses falling off in the process. Groping about blindly his hands closed on the first objects they touched, his right on the glasses and left on a slightly broken quill that had fallen out of his robes during his less then graceful encounter with the floor. Putting his glasses on the room came into focus. A bit of parchment lay just to his left were Hermione had left it the night before. Harry, not really caring to move, dragged it in front of him, the quill that was slightly reminiscent of his mind at the moment clutched tightly in his hand.
"Not happening. Not happening. Not happening." He murmured as he began to scribble words upon the page. Harry's eyes unfocused slightly recalling the conversation he had just over heard; the quill stopped moving.
Across the top of the page was written Pregnant, Lupin, Snape, baby, 3 months along 10 months gestation period, werewolf, NOT POSSIBLE! Reading over what he had just written he began thinking. Werewolf occurs by bite only? Birth of werewolf? Hybrid Sterile?
Harry's eyes glazed over, and he started murmuring "Lupin. Not possible" repeatedly. It shouldn't be possible. Lupin was pregnant. Yes pregnant. With Snape's child apparently. Harry shook his head rapidly to clear it of bad mental images. He hadn't even known Lupin was gay. Let alone had any sort of romantic relationship with Snape of all people. He turned back to the page. The quill moved on its own accord writing out
if (horse + donkey
mule && mule sterile)
mule!pregnant;
He dragged his left hand roughly through his tangled mane. "Ok the question is should it even be possible for werewolves to reproduces? If a werewolf is created by a bite does that mean there is more to the change, then just the new moon? Can all werewolves reproduce?"
At that moment the portrait hole opened, and Hermione stepped through. She paused when she saw Harry lying on the floor. "Harry!" She exclaimed. "What are you doing on the floor?"
"Mione can werewolves reproduce?"
"Can werewolves reproduce? Harry what sort of question is that?"
"Just answer it! Damn it!" Harry looked at her with pleading eyes.
She sighed. "Well it's rumored that only normal wizards and witches actually produce children with werewolves; that they can't mate with each other. But these are just rumors and theories. Our world isn't very tolerant of other species. Does that answer your question?"
Harry nodded turning back to his parchment. Hermione frowned, but realized that what ever was bothering Harry he needed to work it out on his own. She quietly headed to the 6th year girls' dorm.
As soon as Hermione left, Harry was again scribbling away. Theory: Werewolf is unable to reproduce when mating with another werewolf. Why? Low sperm count/High rate of infertility? "That has to bit it," Harry whispered to himself. He lowered his head so that it covered most of the parchment. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice Seamus enter the common room. Finnegan walked nearly silently to look at whatever Harry was working on. His eyes widened as he read the only word he saw. "Who the hell did you knock up Harry?"
Harry did not bother to move, he just screamed in pure frustration. "NOT ME DAMN IT! LUPIN! FUCK NOT ME!"
At Harry's bellow Seamus back peddled. The full message of Harry's rant not registering. Afraid to anger the boy any more, he fled the common room.
As the portrait hole slammed shut, Harry raised his head. "God is my life just one huge cosmic joke or something. I swear it's worse then Inuyasha's! Hell it might as well be Inuyasha's life! I'm Inuyasha. Hermione is Kagome. Ron is Shippo. Miroku is.. was Sirius. Sango is Luna or maybe Ginny. Kikyo is Cho. Magonagle is Keade. Sesshomauru is … Snape. Oh god!" Harry slammed his head back down. "Snape and I as brothers. Even half brothers. That's just creepy." He laughed bitterly. "Or maybe I'm Kurama. After all I've got Voldermort in my head, like the way he has Youko. Yeah that works Mione is Boton and Ron is…" he laughed again. "Ron is Kuwabara." At this point Harry stopped talking. 'Ron may be my best friend,' he thought, his head still resting on the parchment in front of him. 'But he is so clueless some times.'
'Speak of the devil.' Harry mussed as Ron walked in.
Harry heard the footsteps pause, knowing that Ron had seen him in on the floor for no apparent reason. "Yo mate. You alright?"
"Fine I'm fine."
"Ok 'cause Seamus said something 'bout someone you knocked up…"
Ron didn't even get to finish that sentence, as Harry began to violently slam his head into the floor roaring "NOT ME! NOT ME! NOT ME! NOT ME! NOT ME! LUPIN! NOT ME! NOT ME! NOT ME! NOT ME! NOT ME!" Being completely shocked, Ron managed to miss the name Lupin mixed in with all the "not me"s. "If you say so mate," Ron ground out backing slowly towards the door. "If you say so." Upon reaching the dorm entrance he turned fled up the stairs.
Turning back to the page Harry began to scribble down numbers. The numbers eventually turned into equations. Then the number of equations grew in number. So absorbed in his work Harry did not even notice as Hermione and Ron entered. He didn't notice Ron approach him, or Hermione pull him away and to the dinner the Order of the Phoenix was having that night. Hours passed and still Harry worked. Eventually Ron and Hermione returned. They stood in awe at the fact that he was still working.
Suddenly Harry jumped to his feet, with a triumphant cry of "Its not possible!" He waved about the parchment. Ron stood rooted in place, like a deer in the headlights, while Hermione came forward to look.
She gently took the parchment from Harry and began too look it over. "Actually Harry you forgot to carry the one here." She pointed out a late mistake. "But this actually very impressive…" The parchment was snatched from her hands, and Harry was back to work on the floor. "Work," she finished.
A couple moments later Harry jumped to his feet again. "It is possible." And then he promptly fainted.
At Harry's faint Ron came out of his stupor, and he moved to stand by Hermione. "Hey Boss" he said in a low voice to her. "Let's shave him."