AN: Hey everyone, this is a one shot that is a pre-quel to the story, and will be followed chronologically by "Who We Are", and then the rest of the story, and then the one shot "Happy Birthday" and then "Shattered Ice". Finally, there is the spin off story, "Winter's Legacy." I am so happy with all of these works, and especially "Winter's Legacy", it's probably the best thing I've ever written, and I'm incredibly proud of this entire series. Thank you all for your continued support, reviews, and for reading. It means so much, and it inspires me to continue writing. Please check out the tumblr- thebuckybrigade to see the one shots, exclusive content, and to keep up with all things Bucky! xoxo
Bucky had been frozen for years, used by men and organizations that held no meaning to him now, other than people to get revenge against. He had chronic nightmares, flashbacks, and PTSD.
He provided valuable intel to SHIELD and the Avengers as often as possible, but was still barred from joining them in the field until his psych evals improved. He was barely able to make it out of his SHIELD quarters without having a breakdown.
His therapy sessions left him weak, shaky and angry. His deprogramming sessions were worse by far. The reverse of the wiping process, the neural reprogramming process made him confused, violent and scared. After two weeks of sessions he was feeling stronger, marginally.
He had barely seen Steve in the past weeks, he had been out with the Avengers running down Hydra bases, destroying targets. Bucky wanted to see his best friend more, but on the two occasions he had, violent flashbacks had gripped him and he had attacked Steve, nearly choking him to death.
Even now, thinking about it, his hands shook, and curled into fists. He shook his head and paced around the small quarters, trying to clear his head. He was Bucky, not the Winter Soldier, and he didn't want to hurt Steve, let alone anyone else.
He wanted to go outside and breathe the fresh air...he was allowed out on the grounds with supervision, but only when he was under control. If he did well in his therapy session that afternoon, maybe after dinner he would be allowed to go for a long walk.
Taking deep breaths, he calmed himself and sat down on his bed, picking up his book, one Steve had recommended and began reading.
The hours passed and he relaxed, enjoying this tale of a man who had chased a great white whale. He found himself alternately tense and enjoying the antics of the Captain as he chased the whale.
The door to his quarters opened, breaking his concentration. His gaze was drawn to the doorway where a dark haired woman of middling height was entering, her sharp green eyes assessing him.
She had a gun on her hip and a knife tucked into her boot, but it was her strong lean body and the scar from a bullet wound in her arm that told Bucky that she was someone not to be trifled with.
She was dressed casually in jeans and a tshirt with the words "Roll with it" on it, and the name of some musician on it, and the date of a concert below that, but it was her demeanor that caught his attention.
She was neither aggressive nor seductive, as some women had tried to be when he had returned to SHIELD. Both had proven discomforting and flash points for his memory, often leading to him behaving aggressively in return.
He sat on his bed, book in his lap and stared at her, waiting for her to say or do something. She was a new element in his routine. New was usually bad. He was worried. His metal hand clenched into a fist.
She leaned against the wall and stared at him for a moment before pointing to the door, "You ready to get out of here?"
Bucky stared at her in confusion, he wasn't allowed to leave. He certainly hadn't earned it. This had to be a test.
Shaking his head, he went back to reading his book, unable to focus on the words. The woman spoke again, "Well, if you want to stay here, by all means, stay. But Fury has cleared you to leave."
Bucky glanced up at her, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Where...where would I go?" His heart raced at the thought of being able to go outside, of being anywhere but here.
She smiled softly, "We have an apartment for you. It's small, but it's nice." Moving away from the wall she waved a hand around the room, "Anything you want to bring with you, pack up and we'll leave this afternoon."
Bucky nodded slowly and looked around at his paltry belongings, "I don't have much." He in fact, had nothing. A few books, some clothes that SHIELD had given him, and his things from the past that they hadn't returned yet...maybe ever.
The woman nodded and looked around, "That's ok. I'll help you get what you need." She headed to the door and paused before turning back to smile gently at him, "I'm Agent Rose Thorne by the way. I'll be your protector."
Bucky stared at her and then nodded, not saying anything as she left. He couldn't believe he was leaving...his heart raced with excitement and fear. He couldn't believe SHIELD had assigned someone as a protector to him...but part of him knew that he couldn't be on his own yet, he barely understood the world for what it had become. He certainly didn't know who he was in this world.
That evening he stood in the bare apartment with Rose and looked around at all the space, wondering how he was supposed to fill it up. Rose quietly unpacked groceries and tucked them into his cabinets and fridge, all the while watching him out of the corner of her eye.
She had been doing it all day long, while they shopped for clothes, furniture and groceries. He hadn't said anything, but had simply tried to keep up with her stream of conversation. The constant blare of noises and stream voices throughout the day had begun to wear on him until his nerves felt fried.
Now as he stared out his window, he was grateful for the silence of the apartment. When Rose's hand came down on his shoulder, he flinched hard and edged away. Rose spoke softly, "Sorry...I just wanted to let you know that I'm heading out. I'll be across the hallway if you need me. There's survey equipment like we talked about, so you just have to shout, and I'll hear."
He nodded, his eyes downcast, and watched her leave from his periphery. When the door shut, the tension in his chest eased. He walked through his apartment and envisioned a life there, friends, parties, a girlfriend someday...his heart pounded at the thought of all the normalcy, and he retreated to his bedroom and stared at his bed before grabbing the pillow and duvet and dragging them onto the floor in the corner.
When he was still the Winter Soldier, he had often slept on floors and in tents while tracking people. Comfort hadn't been a priority. The bed Rose had helped him buy was perfect for James, the man he had been. For who he was now, it was too soft, and he wasn't used to it yet. Maybe with time...
Tugging his shirt off, he lay down and tucked the pillow under his head. Massaging the seam of his shoulder and his metal arm, Bucky contemplated how he was supposed to live a normal, day-to-day life. Rose had told him they would take things one day at a time and she would help him figure things out, but he was still terrified.
Staring up at the ceiling, he thought about the day, amazed that he had gotten out of SHIELD and was already in his own place. The amount of space and the freedom given to him was both liberating and frightening.
They had gone to a large furniture and home goods store named IKEA that Rose had informed him contained everything his apartment would need. As they walked around he had seen she was right, but none of the furniture or decorations appealed to him.
When she had asked why, he had told her, "It's all a little...boxy. And straight, I guess?" he had muttered, blushing when she laughed. She had nodded and tugged on his arm, leading him out of the store and to her car.
She had driven them to a smaller store, one that boasted "antiques" and "vintage furniture". When they had walked inside, he had felt an instant connection and had begun to wander through the store, relaxing at last.
To his surprise he found Rose by his side the whole time, offering her opinion on items, and having wonderful taste. She pointed out a solid oak bookcase, a loveseat and a dining room table set- all of which he ended up selecting.
He had always been a frugal buyer, but when the purchases were on SHIELD's dime, and Rose nudged him and smiled encouragingly, he felt like it was the right thing to do, the normal thing to do.
As they exited the store Rose had smiled brightly at him, "Okay, now we need to get you a bed. And some sheets! Let's hit up a mattress store." He had nodded reluctantly and they were soon off to a mattress store being shown different sizes and firmness.
He had looked at Rose helplessly and she had smiled and waved the salesman away, "He just got back from Iraq. Can we have some space please?" The man had nodded, giving him a sympathetic look and left.
"Iraq?" he had asked softly. Rose nodded, sitting down on a bed, waving a hand for him to join.
"It's an easier explanation. Makes your hand make sense" she said before laying down, tugging on his arm to pull him down. "What do you think? Too soft?" she asked.
He sighed and lay still for a moment, "No it's good. I like it." He had no idea if he liked it. Rose nodded and sat up.
"Great. You should get the King size. Bigger is better, lots of room for spreading out" she said with a smile.
Twenty minutes later they had paid and gotten a rush delivery for that day, after paying an extra $200. Bucky swore he saw the manager do a dance of glee.
When they were back in the car Rose glanced over and asked, "How are you holding up?"
He sighed and stared out the window, "Okay. What are we doing now?"
Rose smiled, "If you're up for it, we should get some sheets and some groceries, how does that sound?"she asked.
Bucky nodded, he needed food, and he wanted to see how much things had changed since the 40′s. When they pulled into the Target parking lot and entered the store, his eyes widened and he turned to Rose, "This is all for food?" he asked softly.
She laughed and shook her head, "No, just part. Some is clothes, appliances, sporting goods, towels, sheets, electronics, home goods...there's so much here. Stuff you need."
As they walked through the store, she piled things into the cart that Bucky had no idea he would need. They spent nearly two hours in the store before Rose deemed them done. She had helped him pick out three new outfits in addition to the two sets of sheets, duvet, pillows, and groceries.
The woman at the register looked at their items and then at Rose, grinned and asked, "It's so tough when they first move in, isn't it?" Rose turned to him and smiled fondly, squeezing his arm, "I know, he's got practically nothing. I don't know where he'd be without me."
The woman nodded and continued to make small talk with Rose as she scanned the items. Bucky stared at them, incredulous. She honestly thinks we're a couple!-he thought to himself. He would have burst out laughing, but he didn't want to ruin the moment.
When they made it back to the car, he looked over at Rose and asked, "Does everyone make that sort of assumption about a man and a woman out together?"
Rose grinned, "People assume men and women can't be friends Bucky. So yea." Bucky sighed and shook his head, sinking down into his seat. Ridiculous!-he thought, smiling softly.
Rose Thorne...His new babysitter was interesting. She was strong and witty, from what he had seen just today. She had practically broken a man's wrist for grabbing her ass, and when he had stepped forward to say something to the man she had patted him on the chest and laughed saying, "Next time Sergeant."
Her green eyes had sparkled with laughter, and her off color humor had caught him off guard more than once. She had put him at ease, and had helped him adjust to the new world and situations he had found himself in. More than once he had found a smile on his face when he wasn't expecting it.
He was fairly certain he could trust her and that she was his friend...and he was also pretty sure Steve would like her. He felt like he was moving forward with his life, thawing out from the violent, angry place he had been stuck in before.
His dreams in the past weeks had been snowy tundras, pierced with violent memories of his time as the Winter Soldier. His SHIELD doctors had given him sedatives and sleeping pills to help, but they had only made the dreams worse. He had stopped taking them after a week and had struggled through the dreams, hoping and praying he was strong enough to defeat his demons.
As he drifted off that night he dreamt of fields of green; spring flowers blooming through the patches of snow.