A Taste of His Own Medicine
Prussia could tell when he entered England's house that things weren't going very well for the troubled nation. His first clue came from the amount of noise coming from the sitting room where England usually took his afternoon tea. The tone of the troubled nation's voice as he cursed and thrashed about in the made Prussia's grin grow wider. This afternoon was going to be fun, he could tell already. He handed his gloves, hat and riding crop to the waiting servant and entered the sitting room just in time to duck as a china teapot full of freshly brewed tea crashed against the wall above him, sending hot tea and bits of china flying across the room.
When it was safe to look up he found England hunched over from throwing the teapot with a dark, menacing scowl coloring his face. "What's wrong?" Prussia asked him, as his grin returned, "Not brewed to your usual standards?"
England stood up, the scowl still on his face. He slowly straightened his collar and sleeves before answering. "Sod off."
"It's wonderful to see you too." Prussia replied, moving deeper into the room and having a seat in one of the comfortable upholstered chairs. He smiled up at England, who stood watching him with a glum expression, and then looked over the tea service set up on the table, now missing a teapot. Prussia picked up a lemon biscuit. "We seem to be out of tea."
"I'll get some more." England stated flatly, walking over to the bell pull and yanking on it a bit rougher than necessary. "Interesting how whenever you do show up for a visit it's always just in time for tea." He walked over and took a seat opposite the other nation and watched him happily enjoying the biscuit. Prussia finished it quickly and helped himself to another one.
"What? I'm here to console a dear friend." Prussia replied, biting into the second biscuit. "I just love these, they're so good."
"Are you sure about that?" England asked?
"Yes, I am quite sure these are delicious." Prussia smirked, popping the rest of the biscuit into his mouth.
"No, I mean are you sure you're here to console me. What do I need consoling for?" He picked up his teacup that he had filled before receiving the bad news about America's latest juvenile antics. He added milk and sugar, and stirring it with a silver spoon.
Prussia watched his friend stir his tea and take a sip, pinkie properly extended. "The news from the Colonies has been pretty grim lately hasn't it? America just Refuses pay that tea tax; whatever will you do next? Fritz and I have a wager."
"A wager? Oh do tell Prussia, I have to hear this." England's lips were turned up slightly, but still no humor in his eyes.
"I knew you would!" Prussia grinned, finishing off the second cookie. "My boss thinks you will eventually cave on this scheme, like every other tax scheme to bilk money out of the colonies and leave America alone like you should have in the first place." His eyes lit up when a servant arrived with a fresh pot of tea. "I think you'll screw up to the point the kid's going to do something stupid and then you'll do that thing you usually do with your colonies when they get uppity and send in troops." Prussia leaned over and grinned. "Please tell me England, which one of us is going to win?"
"… That 'thing' I usually do?" England asked, pouring Prussia a cup of tea.
"Milk and two sugars please. Is there a continent left in this world you don't have soldiers wasting away on?"
"Maintaining an empire costs money. Those colonies are necessary to His Majesty's interests … including that little upstart America." England handed the other nation his tea.
"Even if His Majesty paid that little upstart very little attention for nearly one hundred years?" Prussia asked, taking the teacup from England and enjoying a sip, "If I were said little upstart given free rein for nearly a century then suddenly found my reins pulled back sharply, I would complain about the pain in my mouth."
England sipped his tea, looking out the window. "There must come a time in every boy's life when they need to grow up and shoulder their share of responsibilities." He picked up the teapot and poured a fresh cup of tea. "Besides, this time America doesn't have a leg to stand on, we're importing better quality tea that costs less, even with the duty imposed; he has no business leaving those cargo ships in the harbors to rot. The tea will be landed in time, and the tax will be paid."
"And a British company's life will be spared." Prussia added, leaning back and studying the other nation carefully, an amused expression on his face.
"Yes, that too is in His Majesty's interests." The two nations were quiet for a moment, sipping tea and enjoying the refreshments laid out before them.
"I wonder … " Prussia eventually thought out loud, taking another sip of tea.
"Hmm?" England looked at his friend, "What do you wonder?"
The smiling nation shook his head, "No, just thinking for a moment."
"Oh come on, it was obviously something that amused you. I could use some amusement too." England said.
"If you insist." Prussia set his teacup down, sat up in his chair, and crossed his legs before continuing. "I was just thinking that perhaps you are correct in your approach in dealing with America. He's been left on his own far too long and it's time he grew up and shouldered his share of responsibilities as a member of the British Empire."
England gave Prussia a genuine smile. "I'm so glad you see reason here. Colonies should show proper allegiance as subjects, and therefore when the time comes be made responsible to do their duty. Imagine a child never showing the respect owed a parent."
"Even when the parent did very little in regards to the child's upbringing?" Prussia leaned forward, anticipating England's answer.
The other nation frowned, then continued. "Of course, even if the parent couldn't be there every second, the child still owes respect for the existence he enjoys."
"No matter how long the parent neglected the child?" Prussia asked, his eyebrows raised.
England gave him a quizzical look. "Of course. Time should be of no consequence."
"I am so glad you agree with me!" Prussia exclaimed, slapping his knee with his hand and sitting back in his seat, "Because here is what I was thinking about that gave me so much amusement. As I recall, about 1200 years ago groups of people from my country traveled to yours and set up colonies … what were their names? Ah yes Hengist, Horsa, Hella, Uffa, Cerdicus, Ida … and a few others as well. All of them had rulers in my land that gave them permission to come to your land and make a new life for themselves. They all did very well too, established their own governmental units, flourished in trade and manufactures but not once were they ever expected to pay any duties or allegiance to their dukes back in my country." He picked up his tea and took a sip. Perhaps its high time my boss took a page from your boss's book and demanded payment, Hmm?"
England's smile disappeared and the scowl returned. "What? That's ridiculous!"
"Not at all, especially with the debts my country incurred aiding your defense against France in the last war." Prussia felt like a cat that had just pounced upon a mouse, anticipating the joy he was about to get from tossing his quarry about for his own sport and amusement. "It was my help that allowed you to seize more land in America. You haven't bothered to pay me back for that yet."
"Oh I say this farce has gone on quite long enough!" England fumed, slamming his teacup down on the table, ignoring the tea that sloshed over the edge of the cup and pooled into the saucer beneath. "You actually expect me to compensate you?"
"Is it so unreasonable? No more than you expecting America to help you pay off your debts, or keep your companies afloat." Prussia poured himself a fresh cup of tea and added milk and sugar to it. "Now … how will you raise the money you owe me … of course … first, your ironworks will have to go."
"WHAT?!" England shouted, jumping out of his seat. "Like hell they will!"
"Yes, immediately. You can send your raw iron to me, I will make it into steel, and then you can buy steel from me from now on. That will help the industry in my country increase business and profit. Just make sure you dismantle everything to produce steel in your country so I know you're not still making it, okay? I'll have to punish you otherwise." Prussia sipped his tea calmly.
England's jaw dropped, "You're bloody mad."
"No old chap, I'm just looking out for my own interests, and paying off a huge debt I ran up covering your ass in the last war. Now … wool."
"… What about wool."
Prussia sipped his tea, looking up at England, who still stood over him with fists clenched. "From now on, you're not allowed to export wool produced in your country to any other country; also, you may not transport it from one county to the other in your own country. I suggest composting it, since that's all you'll be allowed to use it for from now on."
England fell back down in his chair. "You're seriously joking."
"Were you joking with America? And while we're on the subject of textile manufactures … hats."
"… Hats?"
"Yes, hats. No more English milliners are allowed to produce hats. If you need a hat you can buy a Prussian one."
England could only stare at the other country, his elbow on the armrest of his chair and his hand resting on his chin. "Are you quite finished?"
"Just one more thing." Prussia said, his smile getting bigger. "Our jails are getting awfully full, but since the criminals sitting in them didn't commit crimes warranting hanging … we'll just deposit them on your shores. Next week too soon?"
England's face showed no emotion as he gazed at Prussia. "Get the fuck out."
"Look, if I need to, I will supply you with a list of statutes to support everything I just suggested as being perfectly legal. They're the same laws you have in place for dealing with America, and Ireland I might add. Your refusal to comply will make you guilty of High Treason with His Majesty the King of Prussia, and you will be subject to persecution and execution under Prussian law." Prussia sipped his tea calmly.
"Did you hear me? I said get the hell out of here now."
"No, I must correct you, you said get the fuck out now-"
"GET OUT!" England bellowed at the top of his lungs, he grabbed one of the handles of the silver tea tray and upended everything onto the floor. As tea, china and lemon biscuits flew everywhere he lunged for Prussia, who realized right then it really was time to leave. Before he could make his getaway, England grabbed him and toppled him over. They both landed on the floor with England on top. He seized Prussia by the neck and throttled him, banging the back of his head against the wooden floorboards.
"Ow! Hey! Stop it would you? Get off me you lunatic!" Prussia yelled. He reached up with his own hands and struggled to get England's hands from around his neck. It was getting hard to breathe. He finally dug his fingernails into the skin of England's wrists, which made him yelp and let go. Prussia threw him off and sat up, coughing and inhaling air back into his lungs. "All this just from me thinking aloud? Aren't you over reacting just a little?"
England lay on the floor, his face red and staring at the ceiling. "What the bloody hell are you talking about, you kraut eating bastard?" He glanced at him, ready to choke him again if necessary.
"You wanted to know what I was thinking, and I told you. Thoughts are dangerous things here I can see that now." Prussia got off the floor and straightened his clothes. "And I had a dinner party to attend after this, my clothes are ruined."
England glanced at him. Prussia frowned as he did his best to brush off his coat and breeches. "Sorry … I did over react."
The other nation looked down at England and his familiar smile returned. "Apology accepted." Prussia reached out his hand, which England took and used to get off the floor. "But I think you can see now, that perhaps America's reaction to what you're doing isn't quite so unusual?"
England stopped straightening his clothes and looked at Prussia. "There's a great deal of difference, and it doesn't change the fact that we have the right to directly tax our colonies."
"Even when they're not directly represented in your government? I think now I know who's going to win that wager."
"And I told you some time ago to get out." England fumed, jerking down on his coat to straighten it on his shoulders. "Good day to you."
"Until we meet again England, I do hope it's soon." Prussia's grin never wavered as he executed an elegant bow. He turned at the doorway and left the sitting room. Collecting his affects at the door, he walked back into the pleasant, damp, drizzly English weather and mounted his horse, heading off for his next engagement. England watched him from the sitting room window as he rode off. "Bloody hell." He muttered under his breath, and then walked over to the bell pull to summon someone to clean up the mess.
Author's Note: Just a silly story based from this letter written by Benjamin Franklin to a British Newspaper in 1773.
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