Hey, just a quick note to all those people who may or may not have read any
of my fics. I am actually pretty funny, but most of my funniness is either
spur of the moment or accidental. My first ever humour fic, so please don't
flame too harshly. Note to Sparkles, this is a story in which you need to
have heard of/played/finished Silent Hill to actually know what the hey is
going on. So read on at your own risk.
LOUD MOUNTAIN CHAPTER 1
"Daddy, why does my little note book have 'codwigr diner' written on it?" "Shut up woman and bake me some pie!" It had been three long years since Harry Mason's beloved wife had died. That is probably why he loved young Cheryl Mason (his daughter) so much. "Is my pie ready yet, devil woman?" "No, not yet daddy."
Every year, Harry Mason took Cheryl on a holiday to some exotic location. "As long as it don't cost me anything," he would say lovingly to his daughter, "now where's my pie?" this time, for some inexplicable reason, she said. "Listen daddy, I won't bake you pies, until we go to Loud Mountain, or Alice Springs." At this, Harry said "Alice? Alice? Where the." without having to finish the sentence, Harry consulted the Atlas, finding out that Alice springs was a thriving trade centre smack bang in the middle of Australia, or a run down world war 2 relic twelve kilometres outside Warsaw, Poland. He decided to settle for Loud Mountain, which was a quaint town in Northern Kansas, or an old folks home nestled quietly in the Chicago subway system.
By now, Cheryl was steadily making the pie. A Police motorcycle drove up beside, astride the great machine was no one else but. "Hagrid? What the hey are you doing here?" Hagrid, a great bearded giant, was holding what seemed a bundle blankets in his arms. "I was jus lookin' fer Surrey, took a wrong turn at Trafalgar!" Harry Mason was looking at the giant in surprise; it was one thing to get lost in one country, but to get lost in one country, and find yourself on the other side of the world was incredulous. "Did you take the left turn?" Hagrid nodded, "oh, okay, your supposed to go right, left, right, middle, right, left, left, right, centre, centre, centre, left, right, right, take the upper path, go over the board walk until you see the 68th 'warning do not touch water' sign, jump into the bog, follow the lights, go fifty feet below sea level, open the chest, take the ruby key but leave everything behind, swim into the tunnel with the skull hanging over it, use the key on the 16th door on the left (any other and you get killed), swim into the pocket on your right, grab a breath of air, swim out, plant explosives under the pocket, swim back fifty feet, explode the pocket, come out, feed grass to the rabbit, which leads you to a tree, cut it down, use it as a canoe, ride down the purple river, get out at the statue of bob the builder, jump into the hole, climb through, and your there." They were both silent for a moment, then Hagrid said "Right, got it." And rode off into the night.
"How my pie going woman!" "Daddy, the crust has broken." "Then start again!" Harry grabbed the pie from the back seat and threw it out the window, only to realise that it hit a policewoman straight in the face, who was riding another motorbike. Her face was white from the pie, with ease she wiped it off, but her face was still white! "DAH! Said Harry, "ALBINO!" He floored the gas pedal, but the policewoman managed to keep up. Realising she wasn't that bad looking, he leaned out the window and said. "Those leather pants are skin tight, how do you get into those?" Matrix style, she jumped off the bike, kicked him in the head and landed back on the bike. "OWH! What was that for? I was asking a very feasible question." "Sorry I'm supposed to be the independent authoritical character who may/may not be a complete figment of your imagination, though you may have to kill me later, there is a way you can save me." "Damn, so because of your independent characterisation, I have no chance with you." The policewoman nodded. "Darn, and I'm into uniforms." "Well then, I should tell you that you meet a much more attractive woman who is a nurse, the first thing she does is man handle you, she also may/may not be a figment of your imagination, but you don't have to kill her." Harry smiled "coolies, nurse." "Though she doesn't die, at least to your knowledge, you get to witness blood piss out of every orifice possible." "Damn, there's a catch to everything."
As the motor woman drove past, Harry looked forward to meeting this 'nurse'. Suddenly from out of no-where, a young woman appeared to walk across the road. "DAH!" was all that Harry Mason managed before he heard a loud 'BADUNK BADUNK' underneath his really good suspension. "Oh well." He said, "She will be mourned, by some one." Suddenly a clown walked from nowhere, Harry laughed maniacally as he heard another 'BADUNK BADUNK'. " He won't be mourned at all, hehehe" Suddenly, a small ice cream man walked from nowhere. "DAAAAAAAAH!" Harry screamed while turning the wheel, the Car was sent careening out of control as the ice cream man said. "Can I interest you in a double Decker fudge?" Before the car hit the bottom of the cliff, Harry was already unconscious.
A/N Well, thas it. It's kinda of funny, to get some of the jokes, you would actually have to know me, but I don't Night Stalker would have a prob with that, eh? Hehehe.
LOUD MOUNTAIN CHAPTER 1
"Daddy, why does my little note book have 'codwigr diner' written on it?" "Shut up woman and bake me some pie!" It had been three long years since Harry Mason's beloved wife had died. That is probably why he loved young Cheryl Mason (his daughter) so much. "Is my pie ready yet, devil woman?" "No, not yet daddy."
Every year, Harry Mason took Cheryl on a holiday to some exotic location. "As long as it don't cost me anything," he would say lovingly to his daughter, "now where's my pie?" this time, for some inexplicable reason, she said. "Listen daddy, I won't bake you pies, until we go to Loud Mountain, or Alice Springs." At this, Harry said "Alice? Alice? Where the." without having to finish the sentence, Harry consulted the Atlas, finding out that Alice springs was a thriving trade centre smack bang in the middle of Australia, or a run down world war 2 relic twelve kilometres outside Warsaw, Poland. He decided to settle for Loud Mountain, which was a quaint town in Northern Kansas, or an old folks home nestled quietly in the Chicago subway system.
By now, Cheryl was steadily making the pie. A Police motorcycle drove up beside, astride the great machine was no one else but. "Hagrid? What the hey are you doing here?" Hagrid, a great bearded giant, was holding what seemed a bundle blankets in his arms. "I was jus lookin' fer Surrey, took a wrong turn at Trafalgar!" Harry Mason was looking at the giant in surprise; it was one thing to get lost in one country, but to get lost in one country, and find yourself on the other side of the world was incredulous. "Did you take the left turn?" Hagrid nodded, "oh, okay, your supposed to go right, left, right, middle, right, left, left, right, centre, centre, centre, left, right, right, take the upper path, go over the board walk until you see the 68th 'warning do not touch water' sign, jump into the bog, follow the lights, go fifty feet below sea level, open the chest, take the ruby key but leave everything behind, swim into the tunnel with the skull hanging over it, use the key on the 16th door on the left (any other and you get killed), swim into the pocket on your right, grab a breath of air, swim out, plant explosives under the pocket, swim back fifty feet, explode the pocket, come out, feed grass to the rabbit, which leads you to a tree, cut it down, use it as a canoe, ride down the purple river, get out at the statue of bob the builder, jump into the hole, climb through, and your there." They were both silent for a moment, then Hagrid said "Right, got it." And rode off into the night.
"How my pie going woman!" "Daddy, the crust has broken." "Then start again!" Harry grabbed the pie from the back seat and threw it out the window, only to realise that it hit a policewoman straight in the face, who was riding another motorbike. Her face was white from the pie, with ease she wiped it off, but her face was still white! "DAH! Said Harry, "ALBINO!" He floored the gas pedal, but the policewoman managed to keep up. Realising she wasn't that bad looking, he leaned out the window and said. "Those leather pants are skin tight, how do you get into those?" Matrix style, she jumped off the bike, kicked him in the head and landed back on the bike. "OWH! What was that for? I was asking a very feasible question." "Sorry I'm supposed to be the independent authoritical character who may/may not be a complete figment of your imagination, though you may have to kill me later, there is a way you can save me." "Damn, so because of your independent characterisation, I have no chance with you." The policewoman nodded. "Darn, and I'm into uniforms." "Well then, I should tell you that you meet a much more attractive woman who is a nurse, the first thing she does is man handle you, she also may/may not be a figment of your imagination, but you don't have to kill her." Harry smiled "coolies, nurse." "Though she doesn't die, at least to your knowledge, you get to witness blood piss out of every orifice possible." "Damn, there's a catch to everything."
As the motor woman drove past, Harry looked forward to meeting this 'nurse'. Suddenly from out of no-where, a young woman appeared to walk across the road. "DAH!" was all that Harry Mason managed before he heard a loud 'BADUNK BADUNK' underneath his really good suspension. "Oh well." He said, "She will be mourned, by some one." Suddenly a clown walked from nowhere, Harry laughed maniacally as he heard another 'BADUNK BADUNK'. " He won't be mourned at all, hehehe" Suddenly, a small ice cream man walked from nowhere. "DAAAAAAAAH!" Harry screamed while turning the wheel, the Car was sent careening out of control as the ice cream man said. "Can I interest you in a double Decker fudge?" Before the car hit the bottom of the cliff, Harry was already unconscious.
A/N Well, thas it. It's kinda of funny, to get some of the jokes, you would actually have to know me, but I don't Night Stalker would have a prob with that, eh? Hehehe.