Summery; "I've always been afraid of losing the people I love, but sometimes I wonder,... is there anyone afraid of losing me?"
Sam has a strange affliction that holds him back, until he meets Andy, and things change when she touches him. Fate intervenes and tears them apart, leaving Andy scarred for life and Sam gone.
Disclaimer; Nope not mine! Only the storyline to this fic & all the mistakes belong to me.
A/N; This will be AU & possibly my longest fic yet, as the idea is really long, but it shouldn't be boring reading, so hope you'll enjoy! It will be rated M, just to be safe, and it will be mostly for language and mentions of violence.
Welcome back to my world!
I'm posting this before I finish This is Me, because I want to see how you feel about this idea, so hope you'll leave an awesome review when you're done reading.
As always, special thanks to the awesome regulars, Kelly2727, & Mahtra, you guys are the best in any fandom!
Prologue- Present Time.
Memories spanning years flooded his mind, colorful images that gave away secrets, as he stared at the door, the white painted wood staring back in muted silence.
His hand moved up towards the wood, every intention of rapping lightly on it, until images of the same actions at a different time halted his hands movement, froze its forward journey in mid air.
A kaleidoscope of flashes plundered his mind, images starting with her smiling, flowing into one of her head softly thrown back as she let out an infectious laugh, while her hand whipped away a loose strand of hair from her face, as it billowed over her eyes from her carefree movement.
Soon they turned to angry images, a reel of fury speeding through his mind as the silent movie played on fast forward to the final images that led them to this moment in time.
Snaps of screaming, whispers of pleading, tear streaked cheeks.
Then nothing.
No images on play, just the wood of the door staring back at him.
His hand still suspended in mid air retracted, falling limply to his side as his feet shuffled around restlessly, his head bowed low in shame.
Or maybe in defeat.
Or maybe it was from the guilt that ran so deep it turned his dreams into nightmares and his demons into reality.
He wasn't even sure that she still lived here, he'd been gone so long that this was the only place he could think of finding her, besides showing up at work or just walking into the Penny.
He wasn't even sure how she would react to him being back, or if she would even be around to see that he had returned.
He didn't even know if she still shared the same workplace that he had, or if she still drank beers with her friends at the Penny, if she was even still carrying a badge or if she called Toronto home.
He knew a long time ago that leaving was a mistake, but not telling her the truth, that was just far beyond the realms of logic, or civilized behavior.
Over the years spanning the beginning of their...acquaintance, he knew that she was different, knew that there was more there than what should have been, but keeping her locked out when the warning bells sounded, that was just too easy to let slip past unnoticed.
The temptation to taste the forbidden fruit was at times so overwhelming that he had no choice other than to slam up the walls and run.
That worked so well, that the last time he ran, he knew it would become an unforgivable act.
Leaving her scarred like that, scarred him too.
Cut him so deep that he lost himself and everything that had ever defined him.
The day he walked away, he knew what he was leaving behind, he just never expected it to linger, never expected it to stay intact for half a decade, never thought it would stay as strong as it was the day he tried to sever all ties.
The only way he knew that she had survived was because he had seen her one night, months later.
Or rather heard her voice.
The cops had raided a club, standard search and seizure op downtown, confiscating contraband and searching for underage drinkers.
He was hiding in the shadows, hanging back to remain undetected, when her voice rang out yelling a stern "We've got a runner", before she went speeding past him after the moron that thought he would easily outrun her.
Her diversion aided his escape that night when all attention was focused on her, allowing him to slip out the unlocked fire door unnoticed.
The second he hit the fresh air outside, his chest slammed closed and he felt some unseen force steal away his breath while his heart imploded, before it just ceased to beat.
When he left, he left with unanswered questions.
He left not knowing if she would survive or if she had even survived long enough to make it to the hospital, a decision that gave him sleepless nights and nightmares that rendered him physically sick when he woke up.
Knowing that if he had backed away and left her alone, when he had been warned too, she would have remained unharmed, stayed safe.
But he couldn't stay away, couldn't give her up, until it nearly cost her, her life.
Even then, giving it up not knowing if she was still alive or not, rendered him nothing more than determined to finish it.
Finish what he had started.
Staring at the closed door, he still had unanswered questions, mostly pertaining to her and her life after he left.
Had it been kind to her? Had she stayed safe when he removed himself from the equation?
Shit, he even wondered if she was married and had kids, a career at Fifteen that evolved to the promotion that seemed to so appropriately fit her passion to succeed and her determination to stay passionate about helping others.
All the wrong things he had said and done suddenly poured through his soul, making him feel the familiar self hatred that had taken up a permanent residence in him.
All the missed opportunities he had been given to be honest, the moments he had been allowed to be truthful before she knew, before she figured it out, all wasted as they entangled themselves in the downward spiral that ended badly.
Even when she had confronted him about it, he backed away and shut her out, hoping to defuse the situation by denying it until she called him out on his crap moments before...
Shaking the crimson covered images from his mind, he forced it to clear itself of the torment that history had kept over him.
But he deserved it, every millisecond of torture, every ounce of pain.
Because that was all he felt.
Except her.
The memory of her hands on his in their first meeting fleeted to mind, making the tingling sensation he always felt return, his eyes dropping down to look at his hand before his fingers clenched and turned to a fist.
Before her, there were only memories of what things felt like, then when they met there were the occasional instances of actual feeling, then after her there was pain.
Nothing else.
But he forced it to stay, forced the affliction to remain behind as a reminder of what he had done.
His punishment.
It very well replaced another affliction, but that was one she had healed, one she had taken and turned into more, turned it into something other than a curse.
Now that it was finally over, that he was finally free, he was...
Was what?
Trying to make amends?
Seek her forgiveness?
Seeking to forgive himself?
He didn't even know what he was doing anymore, other than the fact that the temptation to find her, to see her and tell her that he was sorry was so overwhelming he couldn't fight it anymore.
He couldn't stay away, didn't want to stay away anymore.
Maybe he was seeking some kind of redemption.
Even though he didn't really expect to find her, the disappointment that reigned down on him now caused his determination to wither away and evaporate even before his hand had knocked.
Letting out a huffed sigh, his resignation evident on its monotonous tone, his hand again slithered up in one final attempt to set things right.
As the umpteen times before it, his knuckles paused just above the wood, his fear of the unknown suspending his attempt to follow through with the simple action of knocking.
Pinching his eyes closed, he found the willpower to follow through and let his hand gently graze over the surface as a soft echo filled the area surrounding him and the space on the other side of the door.
He waited without breath flowing through him, with his heart still until he heard the familiar sounds of the door being unlocked from the inside until it finally swung open and let the moment of truth swallow him whole.
As he lifted his head, his eyes opening to take a moment to focus, he set no limitations to himself or for the backlash of fury he may just find himself receiving.
When the blurry face cleared, and his brain allowed his body to function, he watched as the face before him came into view, a muffled gasp escaping its bearers lips as recognition seeped through them.
Numbness returned to him, every nerve ending that had been alight with anticipation extinguished as he was suddenly filled with more regret and remorse than he had ever experienced.