I, The Hooded Menace, HATE Finding Nemo. Then, why, you may ask, write a fic about it at all? Because I think it's freaking hilarious, if I do say so myself. Read and Review, or you'll get et.

Disclaimer - Finding Nemo is not mine. I could think of something sooooo much better.

Bruce's Dilemma

Bruce the shark was sick and tired of his vegetarian diet. Kelp was okay in small portions, but every day and every meal? That was too much for any shark to take. He had been trying his best not to think of meat, but it was there, everywhere, all around him, taunting him, screaming his name!

"Bruuuuuuce," it said, "Eaaaaaaaaaat me. Fish are foooood, not friends!"

"No," he cried, "Go away! Fish are friends, not food. Friends, not food. Not food."

It was persistent. "But I'm tastyyyyy! Full of Omega Three Fish Oil!"

He blinked.

"And why do I care about that?" he asked, confused.

"Because that means I'm goooooooood for you! I'm healthy and full of nutrients! Doctors say I'm brain food and to get at least three servings of me daily!"

"Really? Then I – waaaaaaaaait, you're trying to trick me again, aren't you?" accused the shark.

"No, it's completely true. I'm a health food AND delicious!"

"But what about my fishy friends?"

"They should be honored to be eaten by such a great shark."

"But it wouldn't be nice to eat them!"

"Tastes good though."

Bruce covered his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts.

"AAAAARGH!" he screamed, "I DON'T HAVE ANY EARS TO COVER!"

Twitching, he rolled on the sand.

"I need an INTERVENTION!" he roared.

Almost instantly, his two shark buddies appeared.

"Breathe, Bruce, just breathe," said the pointier of the two, "Take deep gulps. Hold them in your gills, and then let them out."

The large shark did what he was told. Soon he was swimming normally.

"Now, what's the problem?" asked the smallest shark.

"I just can't stop thinking about meat!" Bruce explained, "It's calling my name, taunting me with its Omega Three goodness!"

"Fish has Omega Three?" asked the pointy shark.

"Yes, and it's good for you!" he yelled. "I MUST HAVE MEAT!"

The two sharks tried holding him back. It worked at first, but then the crazed Bruce realized two things – they were made of meat, and he was much larger than them.

With a hungry roar, he chomped them down, ignoring their screams of "BUT WE'RE FRIENDS TOO, NOT FOOOOOOOOOOD!"

"That wasn't too bad," he muttered, finishing the last of them, "But you know? I like fish a lot better."

With an evil grin, he went to find some friends. He spotted Dora first.

"Hello!" she waved cheerfully, "Are you going to one of your meet-"

Bruce ate her in mid-sentence.

Next, he saw Nemo swimming with Marlin. They waved at him.

"Hey Bruce!" said Marlin, "How's your no-fish diet going?"

"It was going well," he replied, "But the doctor says I need more Omega Three in my diet."

"Really? How are you going to get –"

The shark chomped down on the both of them.

"That's how," he smiled.

But Bruce was still hungry.

"I know!" he exclaimed, "I'll try some seagulls!"

So, he swam to Sydney, where he leapt out of the water and ate all of the annoying birds. Then, he swam home, where he saw an attractive bit of fish drifting in the water. He took the bait, literally. A fisherman pulled him up, sliced him up, and sold him, ending up as a yummy bowl of shark fin soup.

The End