After a battle the team liked to kick back and relax. The Scout usually ran off to pester the Sniper up in his nest, the Soldier would spend a few hours locked in the "War" room (read, his own room) discussing tactics with his shovel, and the Pyro would sit down in front of the television at 6 o'clock and watch Star Trek. The Spy had found himself spending his evenings talking with the Engineer, usually while the man worked on some kind of blueprint or another; and the Heavy, when the Medic forced him out of his office so that he could get some paperwork done.
The two weren't the worst company the Spy could have. It was certainly far better than listening to the Scout ramble on about baseball. Their topics of conversation varied widely, and somehow they had managed to get on the topic of the opposing team's… eccentricities.
"Yeah, well, just cause a man cuts off his arm so he can replace it with something more practical, doesn't make him crazy. Matter of fact, I can see how it would be more useful to have a metal hand than-"
"Oh for goodness sake, Laborer. Do not tell me that you are thinking of doing the same. This kind of monkey-see, monkey-do thing I would expect from Scout, not you."
"Da. What tiny man says about baby man is true. Plus metal hand would not be as good as regular hand. If breaks, you only have one hand to use. Two is always better than one, metal or not."
"It's not like I'm gonna trade my hand out you two. I'm just saying some of the crazier things those REDs do just make a darn lot of sense!" The Spy snorted as the Engineer frowned at him.
"You say that all you like monsieur; but at the end of the day, we still have Soldiers who beat themselves over the head with their own shovels, and men with 11 PHDs who chop off their own arm."
"Heh, yeah suppose you're right. And don't forget the Snipers that throw their own piss at ya."
"Oh mon dieu, why must you remind me. It is not enough that those buffoons must kill me across the entire field without even leaving their filthy nest; they must ruin my suit when I get close as well! What on earth even possesses them to bottle their own bodily fluids is beyond me." The Engineer grinned at him and chuckled.
"You got me there. Any thoughts Heavy?"
"Hmm, with moose is used to attract mates."
"I… What?"
"Is true! When male moose sees attractive girl moose, it digs trough in ground and urinates in it. Then rolls in own urine. Female is attracted to smell, and next spring there are little baby moose!"
"… Son, I don't think that's the Sniper's plan at all. Matter of fact, that might be the complete opposite of what he's trying to do." Heavy let out a barking laugh.
"Da, is also true. Funny thought though; Sniper trying to attract Spy."
"What?! Why me? The filthy bushman throws his piss at everyone!"
"Yes, but you are the only one who chases after him, so some part must be true. Da?"
The sound of their laughter haunted Spy into the next day.
BLU had actually managed to do pretty well so far. Spy had managed to take down the RED Engineer's sentry nest with few problems, but the Spy couldn't shake that conversation out of his head for very long. The very thought was disgusting and disturbing but the Sniper DEFINITELY wasn't a moose, so he should just put the whole affair out of his head and-
"CRASH!"
Suddenly there was broken glass scattered on the ground around him and his suit was soaking wet with some warm, foul-smelling…
"Oh no."
His hand plunged into his ruined suit jacket and grabbed his revolver. If he was quick, he could kill the man before he even got close enough to-
The Spy stopped cold when he felt something poke into his back.
"Oh dear god please let that be your knife."