Can I?
Can I tell you?
Your eyes are searching me probing further than you should and can I even tell you how the heart tightens under that kind of honest scrutiny? Can I tell you how the heart cries brother? Can I tell you how the head aches from hearing the constant howl of the wolf at the door? The end is always so close, all we can do is run away, hide, disguise, elude – and can I tell you any of this? Can I share the inside of my head with you? Can I actually show you something like that? Is there any picture I could paint you of the non – Euclidean angles of my mind – any picture that you – that I – could understand. Would these crooked angles break you? Would the corners and the shadows frighten you to tears?
Can I tell you that they do me?
Can I tell you about fear like eyes on you in the dark? Like spiders crawling over inch of the skin and out from every pore until you go mad stopping yourself from brushing them away? If I could make you feel it, make you know what it is to be me – would I wish it on you?
Dear gods can I tell you just one thing? Can I tell you how perfect you are to me? Can I tell you what the shadow feels, falling by the side of the light? By your light, beloved. Can I compare myself to you for even one moment and not go mad from the dissolution of my self?
And can I make something out of two such disparate halves? Is there any chance I can create at all and not destroy? Could you tell me that brother and could I ever ask?
Can I answer you one question you would put to me? Can I even hear it as the simple thing you think it is? Do you think I could find words you would comprehend for why I do as I do? Do you think the words exist? And do you really think I know?
There is so much I could say to you. So much that would stop you from hating me but do you really think I could take it – your forgiveness, your faith, your hope, your love? Do you think I can bear your continued assumptions of my inner goodness and that it does not squirm like a snake in me that you are so wrong. Can I tell you that if you stripped away my skin that snake would be all there is of me?
And can I revoke the past that lies so close to your heart? Can I look back on what I was and not scream for wanting an ideal that you dream of and that I could never really have been?
Can I tell you who I was then, who I am now – when I do not even know? And how can we even begin to rebuild when we do not even have that basis to work from? Can you tell me this? Can you tell me one true secure thing – one word to describe me from which I can start to piece together some kind of a self? Can you tell me that?
Can I tell you I still love you as you tell me? Can I tell you all you are to me and all you have ever been, will never stop being, brother, lover, friend. Can I tell you how I have only ever felt my presence in my own skin when you have touched me? Can I tell you you are everything to me? Could anyone ever admit a thing like that? Can I tell you how the very thought shrieks discord and denial screaming like Valkyries through the tangled night sky of my brain? Yes this cuts. This cuts the deepest and the snake drips its venom into the wound.
And you look at me with those honest eyes like the sky before the storm I know would come if I uttered a single word that might begin to answer your innocuous, ridiculous question. You gaze down on the havoc I have wrecked and your eyes are full of potential only to forgive –
"Loki – why?" was all you said.
One word.
One word from me and I would put thunder clouds in your eyes to blot out every innocent drop of blue – and could I really do that to you? Could you take the ice out of me and warm it or would it freeze you too? Do you think I could even risk it?
Can I say one single word of all I feel to you now?
"Fuck you" I say, and I turn away.
_x_
So I'm really bad at rating fics that aren't M! I've T rated this but if I'm wrong in this please someone tell me!
This was meant to be a one chapter fic but I have plans for other little jaunts into Loki's brain that might go along with this!