Professor Snap: Part I: An Enemy in Hogwart's
"And since the infestation of Bugbaboos, which eat only dirt and grime, having a full-time janitor on the payroll just seemed superfluous. So now Hogwart's has an open, non-professor position." Dumbledore finished the first tangent of his staff meeting.
"I put forward the motion that we increase spending on the abstinence budget-" Snape was interrupted by the teachers gasping in horror, "for the students," there was a collective sigh of relief, "by purchasing chastity ankle bracelets that repel members of the opposite sex so that I do not have to listen to their foolishness!"
"You're just jealous! The only one responsible for airing out your dusty nethers is you! Don't quash the happiness of others just because you lie awake at night, lonely and cold without the warmth of Madame Sprout to protect you." Madame Sprout squeaked out in that irritating fly voice of hers.
"I've told you 'no' once and I refuse to repeat myself." Snape gave her a blistering glare.
"Silence is implied consent!" She giggled, quite unabashedly.
"So ANYWAY!" Dumbledore cleared his throat, "With the increase of teen suicide at Hogwart's and the changing of these rapid times that none of us can keep up with, I have decided to hire a school counselor.
Everyone looked aghast, as they had hoped that Filch's loss would go towards an increase in their salaries. Except for Snape who furiously exploded.
"Why would you coddle those drooling infants? They can hardly deal with the real world as it is! Giving them another teat to suckle at will only add years to their complacency and emotional dependency!"
"Now, now, Severus. I'm sure if we had been more open to mental health in the past, you might have actually turned out okay. But just because it's too late for you, doesn't mean we should punish others." Dumbledore smiled good naturedly.
"Ouch." Snape looked downcast.
"Now then, moving on the next order of business: dead centaurs are appearing in the girl's lavatories. I'm not going to point any fingers, Professor Flitwick, but I would ask that whoever is responsible to please stop, as it is frightening the girls into pissing in the bushes. Our raspberries are now inedible and they have killed several hydrangeas."
Mister Stanwick Snap had stepped into the role of Hogwart's first ever school counselor with much gusto. Ever since his arrival two weeks into term, he had become the most popular staff member among the students. He listened to their problems and seemed to care about their well-being. Best of all, he was only thirty, and was still able to remember what it was like to be a child. He was friendly with everyone, had clean black hair, and a charming disposition.
Professor Snape hated him.
He whistled too loudly on his afternoon strolls and, as Snape's office neighbour, never failed to pop by on Tuesadys with "extra gingersnap cookies that aren't going to eat themselves! They'll warm your tummy, yum yum!" Pretentious bastard and his pretentiously delicious cookies! Since the students loved him, they came to see him at all hours to bitch about their infantile concerns, like parental abuse and gender identity issues. The comforting platitudes and good cheer spilled through the thin walls into his office like a blinding ray of pink sunlight. It hurt his eyes.
As on every Friday, Snape began grading his student's excruciatingly terrible potion's papers at 3pm like clockwork.
"Oh, Professor Snap! You're the coolest! Thanks for the handout on eating disorders. I'll read it right after I eat lunch!" A student and Mr. Snap burst out into cascades of joyful laughter.
Professor Snape, annoyed in every possible way, slammed his hands down onto his desk, breaking his quill and spilling his ink.
"HE'S NOT A PROFESSOR!" He shouted, but was largely ignored.
"See you next week, okay? And don't forget to keep a journal of what you're eating." The now-dubbed Professor Snap called after the nameless problem student.
Feeling jittery in a way he hadn't for a long time, Snape had a sudden hankering for a sweet, sweet Las Vegas Cigarillo. He angrily stalked into the hallway, trying to ignore the presence of Professor Snap, and lit up. The magic cigarette manufacturing restrictions had dictated that all magical cigarettes have no adverse effects on health and no chemicals that were addictive. Since these lame safety regulations had been enforced, Las Vegas Cigarillos had started a new marketing campaign to make their cigarettes appear more badass, thus appealing to the youth demographic. One in every million cigarettes, upon completion, would explode. Nowadays, consumers were getting hooked on the thrill of gambling with their safety.
He took a sweet, strawberry drag and felt a little better. As he exhaled, he opened his eyes and almost started choking. Hung in front of him was picture of a pond with a rainbow and ducks and butterflies. Everything moved serenely and the rippling waters combined with the quacking would have been soothing for most. Snape felt like he was going to have an aneurism. The rainbow, in particular, was insufferable.
"SNAAAAAAP!" Snape roared.
"What can I do ya for, neighbour?" Professor Snap poked his face, complete with its chiseled good looks, out of his office.
"What is this," Snape pointed a trembling finger at the picture, "garbage that you are littering my hallway with?"
"Well," Professor Snap could see that this required careful attention and stepped out into the hallway, "I thought that putting a picture out here would make my office seem more welcoming to the students. You see, research has shown that looking at naturalistic scenery reduces anxiety. Why, even having a fishtank in a dentist's office has been shown to reduce panic attacks in patients…that is, as long as the fish aren't magical flesh-eating blood worms! Ha ha ha ha ha ha~!"
"What is a dentist office?" Snape looked suspiciously at Professor Snap.
"Wait, is that a Las Vegas Cigarillo?" Professor Snap looked suddenly intent.
"I'm not sharing! They're twenty knuts each!" Snape clutched them close to his sunken chest.
"Oh, no thanks, big guy!" Laugh lines crinkled around Professor Snap's sensuous blue eyes. "They're dangerous for your health! I offer addictions counseling on Mondays! You don't need those things to feel the thrill of a meaningful life."
"I smoke them occasionally to relax. And what would you know about a meaningful life? You aren't even a real doctor! Could you write me a prescription for a bottle of aspirin? Oh wait, no you can't! Because you aren't a doctor! Ha ha ha! I could make an aspirin in my potions lab in my sleep!" Snape took a long, satisfying puff from his strawberry cigarillo and blew the smoke over the painting, causing the ducks to cough.
"Well, we're going to be neighbours, so we should try to make the best of it. If I'm doing something that bothers you, please let me know and I'll do the same for you. Passive-aggressiveness gets us nowhere!" He gave his hearty laugh again as he locked his office and headed off.
"I JUST TOLD YOU I HATE YOUR PAINTING!" Snape screamed to an apparently deaf Professor Snap.
Then his cigarillo exploded.
Snape had just returned from the infirmary where Madame Pomfrey had repaired his horrible burns.
"I don't know why I smoke those things. And on top that, now I smell like strawberries!" He grumped.
As he approached the door to his office he noticed the sound of water. Professor Snap had taken his criticism to heart and replaced the scenic picture with a towering Balinese Tranquility Fountain. The enchanted waters flowed in an endless loop, controlled by a small stone rectangle in the centre. The whoosh of water reminded him of the rainfall when his father had abandoned him and his mother had wished aloud that he had been born a girl. It made him feel anxious.
"This is even worse than those damn ducks." Snape muttered.
He knocked on Professor Snap's closed office door and there was no response. Clearly the lazy bastard had turned in after 4pm. Still, Snape was never one to be reasoned with.
"OPEN UP YOU STUPID CHARLETON!" He pounded on the door, hoping to damage it. "HOW THE HELL IS THIS BETTER THAN A DUCK POND?"
He pounded on the door as hard as he could. Then he heard a clatter and whirled around, hoping to see his intended victim. Instead, he saw that the rectangle controlling the fountain had fallen over. The water's path chaotically altered and surged down the hallway. Before he could do anything about it, he was swept up and flew towards the far brick wall. Slamming into the stonework with dizzying force, Snape found himself pinned and unable to move as his mind reeled. There was water all around him and the impact had forced the air from his lungs. He gasped, trying to take in air, and only swallowed water. As much as he tried not to breathe, his body shook and involuntarily sucked in more water. His eyes started to go black around the edges and far too late he thought of reaching for his wand.
So this is it, eh? And I couldn't even accomplish my life-long dream of failing an entire graduating class.
Before his eyes closed, the pressure suddenly stopped and the water vanished. Snape fell from the wall and landed on the duck pond picture, which Professor Snap had left in the hallway. This turned out to be fortuitous, as the sharp edge of the frame jammed into his stomach, causing him vomit up all of the water and gasp for air. Quite out of strength and having a fair concussion, he rolled over to lay on his back and continued to breathe in sweet, sweet air. He heard footsteps skittering up to him, but couldn't even turn to look.
"Snapey-baby! You're hurt!" Professor Sprout's unwelcome face swam into his unfocused vision. "I'll give you CPR." He could still see her well enough to see her face flush.
Calling on reserves of strength he hadn't even realized he possessed, he pushed her forcefully out of the way and rolled onto his side.
"Get me to the infirmary, greenhouse wench." His voice was ragged and hoarse.
"Right!" She skittered off to fetch Madame Pomfrey, blushing that he had a pet name for her too.
Snape came to and found himself resting in a bed in the infirmary.
"Good morning, Severus." Snape was relieved to find Madame Pomfrey in the room with him and not Professor Sprout.
"Is she-"
"I told her you needed time to recover." Mamade Pomfrey gave a friendly wink.
"Thank Merlin." Snape let out a sigh.
The door quietly opened and Snape was aware of someone entering the room.
"I came as soon as I heard. Is he okay?" Snape recognized the quiet, respectful, and deep, manly voice of Professor Snap.
"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Madame Pomfrey gave Professor Snap a warm smile.
"He's awake? Oh thank Merlin!" Professor Snap's stupid face entered Snape's seeing range. "Severus, I'm so sorry!" He was breathing hard and it was clear he had literally run to the infirmary. "I thought the fountain would be a nice compromise, but I had no idea-" His voice stopped and he looked positively horrified.
"You mean the Balinese Tranquility Fountain? I'm surprised that you even had one! They're cheap knock-offs made in the magical assembly lines of France and were notorious for falling over, drowning nearby people, and ruining furniture. They were taken off the market in Britain years ago."
"Oh my God." Professor Snap sat down heavily in the bedside visitor's chair. "I had no idea." He covered his mouth in horror, then put his head in his hands.
"I'll give you two a moment." Madame Pomfrey, moved by his emotions and general physique, didn't want to embarrass Professor Snap by bearing witness to his manly tears.
Snape rolled his eyes.
What an emotional wreck. God help this country if our students turn out like him. Snape took feelings of remorse as a sign of emotional weakness.
As soon as the door closed behind Madame Pomfrey, Professor Snap sat up. He was dry-eyed and Snape could almost swear there was a subtle difference behind those blue eyes.
"Well, there's no sense in blaming myself now." He sighed. "Just because my plan didn't work doesn't mean that I'm a failure." Professor Snap put a firm hand on Snape's shoulder. "Oh well, there's always next time."
He gave a cold smile and walked briskly from the room, leaving Snape with a chill and a feeling of unease.