Ignorance.
There is only so much knowledge a person can gather and contain. No matter what anyone does, they will never lose ignorance, no one can know everything.
"Ignorance is bliss", a happy place, blessed, yet it is treacherous in its way, dangerous, a maze of words and images, all shaping a never ending road that one can never reach the end of. An everlasting oblivion consisting of unawareness.
Ignorance is often an excuse, and the amount of people who have said "I didn't know" can only be counted along with the stars.
There was no such justification for me. I had always been aware of the situation, the repercussions, the warnings, they had all been firmly fixed in my mind, and so the saying "Ignorance is bliss" never occurred to me. The sinner deserves the punishment, and the punishment was just, that would have been no problem with me, if only it had been mine and mine alone.
Fairness. Equality. Equivalent exchange. All these things consist of an all powerful truth, a knowledge that cannot be disputed.
I knew this.
Yet I sinned none the less.
Ignorance. It is as if the word holds the weight of all the sins of man on its letters. As if the mere mention of the syllables is a crime in itself, and all because people "Didn't know".
Sometimes I wished for ignorance, looking back, I certainly could have used it. If I had been ignorant of the ways of my fathers' books, I would never have had to face the hideous beast I had created with my knowledge. A beast of guilt and torment that I, and I alone had to bear with me.
If I had been ignorant.
If I had never known.
Memories were knowledge in the form of images and sounds, smells and feelings, emotions that are tied to certain events. If I were ignorant of all, I would have none. Let the past be wiped clear. Let me disappear into the oblivion of not knowing.
Let me be ignorant.
Trapped in the past that I strive to move away from, there is nothing more to this world than the truth, more knowledge, more awareness, the complete opposite of the ignorance I long for. And yet, I keep moving, down the road that offers an understanding that I had never had before, and all for the one I had dragged into my selfish sin.
If ignorance was to take hold of me, I would lose the one thing in the world that is worth holding onto, the one thing that keeps me anchored in reality. If I were to let myself fall into the hands of the bliss, what would happen to him? Would he move on, along with the world that never ceased?
Damn my understanding, it was just another fact that saddened me. The knowledge that I was nothing in the world, just another ant in the universe. Everything would continue without me, he would continue without me, and I would be unawares.
I struggle against contradiction each day, not knowing which need was stronger, escape, or move on?
Ignorance or truth?
Ignorance is a curse just as it is a blessing, a sea of nothing, trapped in a world of something. Order is needed if the universe is to continue, and that order grasps me in its hands, clutching at my throat and strangling the life out of me, just as it was gently caressing vitality into the inert body it had left behind, a flow that would never cease.
Ignorance was a choice, but not an option, it was a temptation, but at the same time, a proffered poison.
Swept away by the need to live, and the need to be nothing, ensnared in the struggle between the forces that threatened to rip me in half, there was no escaping the torment of choices better left alone.
And in the end, I would wind up back at the start, another day, another war, and more choices and enticements.
This was the curse of humanity.
Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss" can go fuck themselves, because this war, is nothing but bloodshed.