A/N: Thank you to all the lovely human specimens who have read and Author alerted my other stories – all 15 of you – here is a new one! I would really like to become a beta-reader and to do so I need only TWO more stories, or this one has to have at least 6000 words, cross your fingers for me. Only one set though, two sets of crossed fingers are bad for business…
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any characters that come from said book. I'm just shrinking them to fit the roles in my story.
CharliePOV:
A New day, a new challenge; why must life throw the curve balls consisting of cranky, snotty, stubborn three year olds directly at your face? Whoever came up with the term "terrible twos" should be punched in the kidney, not in the balls because it might have been a woman – wait no, never mind I take that back, if it was a man he deserves to be hit in the balls, if it was a woman she needs a good ol' punch to the tit. Anyway, back on the subject.
My child it crazy! What happened to the sweet little doe-eyed baby she was as a baby? I blame Renee for this. This screaming, can't-stay-in-one-place, get-into-everything, question-asking, three-year-old is a product of her mother's creation, not mine. I refuse to take responsibility for my daughter's loud questions of why a fruit in the grocery store look like her "mommy's vibrating toys".
Oh and did I mention that when Little Miss Bella found these toys of her mother's she claimed them as her own and refused to let them go? Didn't think so. Renee and I had invited the Dr. and Mrs. Cullen, along with their little boy, Edward, over for dinner when she made her most recent discovery.
She and Edward were sent up to her room – little twerp better not be playing "doctor" with my little girl – while the adults enjoyed a glass of wine after dinner. Since I wasn't upstairs, and I'm guessing here, Bella decided playing dress-up with was no longer fun and went exploring in Renee's and my room. Knowing that she wasn't allowed in our room she was completely silent as she played adventurer and found Renee's stash of vibrators.
Next thing I know, Bells is standing in the middle of our living room with a vibrating rabbit in her little hands. To the horror of everyone in the room she asks:
"D-D-D-a-d-d-e-e, w-wh-a-t-t k-k-ki-n-d-d-d o-f-f t-t-o-o-y is th-i-s-s-s?" Her little voice rattling with the vibrations surging through the sex toy, "Wh-h-h-h-y d-d-o-es th-i-s-s-s pa-a-ar-t-t lo-o-o-o-k l-l-l-i-k-e-e-s-s wh-a-t-t E-d-d-e-r-r-d-d h-h-as i-n-n 'is u-u-n-di-e-e-s!"
What? Did she just ask why she just ask why it looks like Edward's penis? I knew I couldn't trust that little ginger when he promised not to play doctor. 'Scouts honor' my ass!
The room was silent, except for the sound of the rabbit vibrating. Things started to happen and happen fast. Renee dove at Bella, trying to grab the object of everyone's embarrassment, which caused Bella to run in the opposite direction yelling "No, it's mine!" at the top of her lungs. The other lying little bugger came running from upstairs, curious about all the commotion, green eyes growing huge when he saw my furious expression while his parents stared on in a mix of shocked amusement and horror.
Let's just say that night resulted in a furious Bella losing "her" new toy, a scared shitless Edward, and awkward goodbyes for the rest of us. Oh and to make it worse, Renee made a compromise with our innocent three-year-old daughter regarding a certain type of toy and a certain age , much to my objection, for the return of the sex toy.
This happened last month; dinners with the Cullens have now been moved to their house.
Today I have been forced to go grocery shopping, without Renee… with Bella… recipe for disaster. Bella is pouting in the cart, upset because she isn't being allowed to run around terrorizing the common folk.
"Pease Daddy, I promise I won't do it again! I only wants to know why Mrs. Stanly wasn't wearing any panties!" Bella's latest bout of curiosity consisted of her asking - loudly mind you - Mrs. Stanly, who was bending over to reach the bottom shelf, why she wasn't wearing any underwear and why she had a "monster from the closet ," where her "pepe" was supposed to be. My child has no shame and knows no boundaries. Again I blame this on Renee, all her fault, not mine; nope I refuse to take responsibility for this.
"No, you know that you shouldn't have asked in the first place," I sighed. Why was I cursed with a wild child? She hasn't even turned four, she's already playing doctor and has been promised a vibrator when she's older. She looks like me but acts too much like her mother.
God, please, I pray to you, please don't let her be like this when she is a teenager. Instead of finding her playing an innocent game of doctor with Edward I'll come home to find them doing the horizontal tango. The horror!
When I walk in the spot, this is what I see
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got a passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it
I'm sexy and I know it
I'm sexy and I know it
"Isabella Swan!" I jerked the cart to a stop. Where the hell had she heard that song! Was Renee listening to it in the car? My baby was too young for this song.
Her chocolate eyes grow slightly bigger at my shocked tone, "What Daddy? I gots a passion in my pants an' ain't afraid to show it. What does sexy mean? Do you know? Does Mommy know? I don't thinks Mrs. Stanly does, her face is too small."
"Where did you hear that song Isabella? Head, Bella, her head is too small, not her face," ignoring her comment about her pants. Don't freak out, Charlie, she doesn't know what she's talking about.
"Silly Daddy," she smiled at me like I was the one who didn't understand while patting my cheek in patronizing way. "Jess's sissy listens to it when she picks us up from Ms. Sue's. She listens to all types of silly songs on her car thingy. Do you wants me to sing some?"
I quickly covered her small mouth with my hand as she started a version of Cobra Starship's Good Girls Gone Bad. I'm going to need to have a talk with the oldest Stanly girl.
Bella licked my palm, making me let go, "Daddy, can we get some 'naners? I thinks I ated the last one this mornings. Oh, and some strawberries? Pease?"
"I'll make you a deal Bells, if you can sit here, quietly, and be a good girl we will buy some bananas and strawberries. Do you think you can do that?" Bribery, who ever came up with it deserves a Nobel Peace Prize; it's the best tool for temporary silence.
I could see her eyes light up but she "kept her cool" and pretended to think about the deal for a second before quickly agreeing, "of course Daddy! Yay! I pinky promise," holding out her tiny finger for me to seal the deal.
We found and collected everything on Renee's shopping list with little difficulty; that is until we reached the last item. Why Renee, why? Do you live to torture me? Tampons? Really, why do you insist on embarrassing me anyway you can? You first make me take Bella and now you make me buy these?
I casually pass the dreaded isle, looking to see if any was there through the corner of my eye. An employee is restocking the shelves. Deciding to pass on that embarrassment for now I head back to the fruits and vegetables.
I'll go back when after we get Bella's bananas and strawberries; it'll be less embarrassing.
Bella claps her hands when she realizes where we're headed. I take time to pick out the best strawberries and bananas. I have no idea in hell how to tell the difference but oh well, all the time I don't have spend in that isle. My inspection is taking so long that Bella huffs and demands I choose one; she just wants to admire the fruit herself. My child is weird if you didn't know.
Maybe I need to pick up some more condoms, I love my daughter but I don't want another running around right now.
"Daddy!" She whines, "Mommy never takes this long! Let's go!" Does she have no sympathy? Does she not understand how embarrassing the next stop is going to be? Of course she doesn't, she's Bella.
Oh no, this grocery store doesn't have self-check-out, stupid small towns not knowing the importance of self-check-out is!
"Okay, Bells, we just have to make one more stop before heading home." I heave a big sigh before walking back for the tampons like I was heading for the gallows; death to my manhood, no one from the station better not be here.
When we reach the isle of my demise (I swear there's a ticket booth demanding my man card for entry) I start to push the cart faster quickly grab Renee's request and a box of condoms; throwing them in the cart quickly before Bella could get ahold of them or anyone else see them.
Whew!
I survived! Bella was giggling from the speed of the cart so she didn't have time to notice anything or ask any questions! Success!
Feeling better I headed for check out and started to unload everything onto the counter. I was so smug about my daughter obviousness about the contents of the cart that I didn't see any of the warning signs.
Her look of frustrated curiosity.
The suspension bananas in front of her face.
Or lastly, and most importantly, the opening of her mouth.
"Daddy, why do my bananas look like one of Mommy's vibrating toys?"
A/N: What do you think? Total disaster or relatively good? Leave a review to let me know.
Thanks for reading,
WhoWantsToBeHuman